Darkness
I was just thinking about how detrimental life was as a teenager. Sure I had a few friends with who I felt the most kinship with. And school was school.
Yet to explore that dark side of my life is never part of who I am. I will say I was not oblivious to pain, nor rape, nor abuse, nor suicidal thoughts. I cut myself. Surprisingly I healed. Not many scars are left on the outside of me.
Many inside. Draining me. Yet when you learn about how important your life is to someone, anyone and beyond that to Jehovah, God you halt.
Sure it is a battle you feel daily but the truth is that there is gray areas. Some cannot be strong enough to keep battling but others can. I am one who can.
Granted though there are many who struggle every second of the day with emotions in darkness while shining great light upon others. There are no signs. There are no warnings. It just happens.
My force of reckoning is when I learned in the bible that Jehovah, God has the ONLY power to read hearts, give life and take it. That is what really rung true for me. Granted when I read it, I was not studying to be a Jehovah's witness. I learned that when I was searching for truth.
And ,now, do I have many thoughts of drowning myself out of people's lives? No. I have the force to reckon with. Sure I have low days where reconfirming my place with people is high and there was only one time since high school I cut myself.
In March of this year I cut my hand and my leg. I felt no joy in it and no release from emotional pain. Coming to realize that writing in my journal was by far more releasing than anything.
And today, what brought up this thought? It was looking back over just how much turbulence I have survived through. It's that push that helps people see we are all imperfect. The outward appearances hold us looking "fine" for so many people. Though I can say I am beyond fine. I am amazing.
And though I experienced my roughness in life the biggest joy I can say I have is surviving, to help other see. Plus to show there are people out there worse off than me.
I don't compare myself to anyone. I don't "use" other people's stories to tell mine. If you dig around in my life well enough you can see the pictures are all parts of the play I give. The grand ovation at the end.
Today though I thought of all my friends and family who couldn't push through the roughness. It's tragedy that helps me see I can make it. With their trials I learn, I adapt and I apply.
So this is how I know to keep going. Then with learning Jehovah is searching for me, I am most grateful. Family.
I cannot express just how deep that means to me. And yet you only thought I was superficial. No. Just private.
My depth is far. So are others. So I find it important to express bits and pieces of me.
Then finding myself again. A level no one can divide from me ever again.
Yet to explore that dark side of my life is never part of who I am. I will say I was not oblivious to pain, nor rape, nor abuse, nor suicidal thoughts. I cut myself. Surprisingly I healed. Not many scars are left on the outside of me.
Many inside. Draining me. Yet when you learn about how important your life is to someone, anyone and beyond that to Jehovah, God you halt.
Sure it is a battle you feel daily but the truth is that there is gray areas. Some cannot be strong enough to keep battling but others can. I am one who can.
Granted though there are many who struggle every second of the day with emotions in darkness while shining great light upon others. There are no signs. There are no warnings. It just happens.
My force of reckoning is when I learned in the bible that Jehovah, God has the ONLY power to read hearts, give life and take it. That is what really rung true for me. Granted when I read it, I was not studying to be a Jehovah's witness. I learned that when I was searching for truth.
And ,now, do I have many thoughts of drowning myself out of people's lives? No. I have the force to reckon with. Sure I have low days where reconfirming my place with people is high and there was only one time since high school I cut myself.
In March of this year I cut my hand and my leg. I felt no joy in it and no release from emotional pain. Coming to realize that writing in my journal was by far more releasing than anything.
And today, what brought up this thought? It was looking back over just how much turbulence I have survived through. It's that push that helps people see we are all imperfect. The outward appearances hold us looking "fine" for so many people. Though I can say I am beyond fine. I am amazing.
And though I experienced my roughness in life the biggest joy I can say I have is surviving, to help other see. Plus to show there are people out there worse off than me.
I don't compare myself to anyone. I don't "use" other people's stories to tell mine. If you dig around in my life well enough you can see the pictures are all parts of the play I give. The grand ovation at the end.
Today though I thought of all my friends and family who couldn't push through the roughness. It's tragedy that helps me see I can make it. With their trials I learn, I adapt and I apply.
So this is how I know to keep going. Then with learning Jehovah is searching for me, I am most grateful. Family.
I cannot express just how deep that means to me. And yet you only thought I was superficial. No. Just private.
My depth is far. So are others. So I find it important to express bits and pieces of me.
Then finding myself again. A level no one can divide from me ever again.
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