The river
A walk along the river hold such a daring dream. This cracked blue lining that just settles the deepest uncertain part of me. I settle myself down upon the watered down pebbles just holding onto the peace that is coming deep within me.
I cradle my head with my left hand. I just sit there and meditate over the joy that is found within this tiny moment. No one here to destroy any level of solitude I am engulfed in. No one to tear me away from the cored clarity that rings true.
Just listen to the quiet water lapping up against rocks. Listen to the race each section of the river has against the next. Just watch the waves rumble down the pathway. Do you find yourself just being a part of that serenity?
I gather my thoughts only long enough to shuffle them out of the way just so I can truly relax and enjoy the stillness within myself. I can't explain just how magnificent that is to do, but if you ever really knew me, to shut down completely was refreshing.
Even though I have relaxed and meditated of the grandeur of the creativity of Jehovah I still find myself wanting to get up and walk in the water. Taking my shoes off even knowing the water is icy. To take that risk of catching a cold just for that sweet, empty moment of bliss. Sure.
As I am standing up to do just that I realize the magnitude of the power in the water. The strength it has gained from the racing down this worn pathway. Truly I am a bit apprehensive of trying something spontaneous. For I know I am not that type of person.
I calculate and plan over and over. I over thinking and then I think some more. Alongside of chiding myself for thinking too much. Then at times I just don't do anything. Ah. But that releases anxieties that I push aside for now.
So now the mind just is so mellow. I have stood there by the river, got in the shallow parts with my bare feet. I even slipped a little but it was just the river saying that is enough. Don't go too far. So now I am just walking down the riverbed so I can just breathe in the beauty of the water and nature all around.
Yet I hear behind me rustling. I just say ugh and realize that I was not just alone but I had only imagined it. That is the joy of the river. And it is even more so when I have someone standing with me, not saying a word, just enjoying it like I was. Feeling that complete awe and cleanliness deep within.
Gratitude.
I can't expect people to get the conflicts that sit inside of me. I can only ask of those who want to be a part of my life, to be willing to walk with me even in the darkest times of my life. Not saying a word just holding me, helping me with acknowledging when I won't say I need your help but my spirit is screaming it.
That is the type of person that has to be a part of my circle. Not those people that are here one day then down the line in four or six days. That is not how it works with me.
I won't admit I need your help but when I finally break down and I would have hoped by then you read the stresses in my soul and sat my mind at ease. Teaching my spirit that things will be okay, with you by my side.
Perhaps I have such high hopes. But like the river, deep within my spirit I rage this uncommon strength. I know that isn't mine alone. Yet sometimes I do need reassurance that I am capable of keep on going.
Certainly I can hope for the ideas that form here. Even put many great theories into projection. Yet I struggle with what is reality when I have run a billion ideas or scenarios in my mind. So sometimes having someone just stop and say I am capable of doing this or that, even expanding into giving encouragement.
This daring dream of walking along the river is truly what I feel is the next stage of my life. I know there won't be many who actually understand me, for I am a confusing person. Yet I won't deny that I am emotional, sensitive, imaginative, demanding, reserved and even vulnerable. And though some of these things are my negatives and flaws I have a great many parts that are positive.
So for someone to walk with me along the river, quietly. Observing how I feel when I walk away, truly a remarkable thing. Even more so when they want to hear more about it.
Silly perhaps but I do dream. I do hope big. I do dare to be just me. Only because I am tired of hiding.
If you want to be there for me you will have to step up. I won't know unless the boldness is shown. Yet what I know inside of me, just has this underlining and I truly to get people. I comprehend more than you know.
Probably in many ways I a bad and lonely thing. Yet my independence is there too. I can be good by myself but I can be amazing with someone who wants to be with me.
The two sides of me. I know what I want. But I won't beg for it and I certainly won't lower myself to the crude nor welcome mat of the lesser years. I have learned.
Perhaps, if you are bold enough, you my find I am actually a quite warm hearted, peace loving, helpful and inspiring kind of person. That is if anyone is listening.
I cradle my head with my left hand. I just sit there and meditate over the joy that is found within this tiny moment. No one here to destroy any level of solitude I am engulfed in. No one to tear me away from the cored clarity that rings true.
Just listen to the quiet water lapping up against rocks. Listen to the race each section of the river has against the next. Just watch the waves rumble down the pathway. Do you find yourself just being a part of that serenity?
I gather my thoughts only long enough to shuffle them out of the way just so I can truly relax and enjoy the stillness within myself. I can't explain just how magnificent that is to do, but if you ever really knew me, to shut down completely was refreshing.
Even though I have relaxed and meditated of the grandeur of the creativity of Jehovah I still find myself wanting to get up and walk in the water. Taking my shoes off even knowing the water is icy. To take that risk of catching a cold just for that sweet, empty moment of bliss. Sure.
As I am standing up to do just that I realize the magnitude of the power in the water. The strength it has gained from the racing down this worn pathway. Truly I am a bit apprehensive of trying something spontaneous. For I know I am not that type of person.
I calculate and plan over and over. I over thinking and then I think some more. Alongside of chiding myself for thinking too much. Then at times I just don't do anything. Ah. But that releases anxieties that I push aside for now.
So now the mind just is so mellow. I have stood there by the river, got in the shallow parts with my bare feet. I even slipped a little but it was just the river saying that is enough. Don't go too far. So now I am just walking down the riverbed so I can just breathe in the beauty of the water and nature all around.
Yet I hear behind me rustling. I just say ugh and realize that I was not just alone but I had only imagined it. That is the joy of the river. And it is even more so when I have someone standing with me, not saying a word, just enjoying it like I was. Feeling that complete awe and cleanliness deep within.
Gratitude.
I can't expect people to get the conflicts that sit inside of me. I can only ask of those who want to be a part of my life, to be willing to walk with me even in the darkest times of my life. Not saying a word just holding me, helping me with acknowledging when I won't say I need your help but my spirit is screaming it.
That is the type of person that has to be a part of my circle. Not those people that are here one day then down the line in four or six days. That is not how it works with me.
I won't admit I need your help but when I finally break down and I would have hoped by then you read the stresses in my soul and sat my mind at ease. Teaching my spirit that things will be okay, with you by my side.
Perhaps I have such high hopes. But like the river, deep within my spirit I rage this uncommon strength. I know that isn't mine alone. Yet sometimes I do need reassurance that I am capable of keep on going.
Certainly I can hope for the ideas that form here. Even put many great theories into projection. Yet I struggle with what is reality when I have run a billion ideas or scenarios in my mind. So sometimes having someone just stop and say I am capable of doing this or that, even expanding into giving encouragement.
This daring dream of walking along the river is truly what I feel is the next stage of my life. I know there won't be many who actually understand me, for I am a confusing person. Yet I won't deny that I am emotional, sensitive, imaginative, demanding, reserved and even vulnerable. And though some of these things are my negatives and flaws I have a great many parts that are positive.
So for someone to walk with me along the river, quietly. Observing how I feel when I walk away, truly a remarkable thing. Even more so when they want to hear more about it.
Silly perhaps but I do dream. I do hope big. I do dare to be just me. Only because I am tired of hiding.
If you want to be there for me you will have to step up. I won't know unless the boldness is shown. Yet what I know inside of me, just has this underlining and I truly to get people. I comprehend more than you know.
Probably in many ways I a bad and lonely thing. Yet my independence is there too. I can be good by myself but I can be amazing with someone who wants to be with me.
The two sides of me. I know what I want. But I won't beg for it and I certainly won't lower myself to the crude nor welcome mat of the lesser years. I have learned.
Perhaps, if you are bold enough, you my find I am actually a quite warm hearted, peace loving, helpful and inspiring kind of person. That is if anyone is listening.
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