Music that talks
Just getting home from work and I sit looking around at my projects I must finish and the only thing I can think of doing is listening to music. I need to get my mind off of the memories that came back to me in my drive home.
The hope of forgiving and walking back into the lives of those who were once such great importance to me. Yet I know what my gut says, no. I lost all opportunities to that option. It kind of just sinks my breath deep inside of me. Almost to the point of choking me.
I dare want to just say hi but there are no platforms for that. Not one. So today I just have to let the sobs choke me and the tears roll down my face. I have to listen to the words thrashing inside of me. I hope the calm comes when a good song rides in.
There is nothing I can say to bring people back into my life. It is just how it has to be but it doesn't mean I don't hurt when I think about them. I rip up my core just reminding myself that I was the one that pushed too far and I got the due I am owed.
Yet just that one tingling hope. Yet even with that I laugh. Sniffling knowing that I can't hold open my arms and hope that they want to be inside them. It really sickens me but that is life. That is how I must move.
But still the one thing that makes me keep searching for that hope is trust in truth. That deep feeling inside of me that says I know I will some day. Although I don't know when. I never understand the depth of that certainty I have. You just try to shake it off of me, but see it come charging back into the system.
Such an unusual person I can be. The circumstances too. I shake my head in doubt when it comes to really listening to what I know is real. And then I just do hear, apply it. So simple and yet so complex.
I know that those who I want back in my life read. I know that they see what my emotions are. I know that even their friends read. I get that. Yet I won't say what is really sinking low inside of me. Especially all that I have held.
Oh how I just want the thoughts to end. Just long enough to make me strong again. I don't want to feel weak when I know I can be bolder. Though what is the point, in this case. The whole idea is to just let go of the barriers and allow the emotions of me pour out. Why bother sitting here bottling it all up for someone who cares nothing over them? I need to just allow the flowing tears to cause the headache and stuffy nose.
At least then I will understand the truth depth of how I really felt for those people. I don't see the point in holding it in now, no one will see it. Just me and my cat.
So I suppose it doesn't matter if I screamed how I feel via poetry, it just won't come back to hurt anyone. They are just the past that creeps up on you here and there. Memories that make me just want to curl up in a ball. Ceasing to breathe to just forget.
When I close my eyes blank pages await to be filled not me holding an eraser to eliminate some other images just to make room for new hopes. Just. well. That is it for now.
But I really do want to talk but how?
The hope of forgiving and walking back into the lives of those who were once such great importance to me. Yet I know what my gut says, no. I lost all opportunities to that option. It kind of just sinks my breath deep inside of me. Almost to the point of choking me.
I dare want to just say hi but there are no platforms for that. Not one. So today I just have to let the sobs choke me and the tears roll down my face. I have to listen to the words thrashing inside of me. I hope the calm comes when a good song rides in.
There is nothing I can say to bring people back into my life. It is just how it has to be but it doesn't mean I don't hurt when I think about them. I rip up my core just reminding myself that I was the one that pushed too far and I got the due I am owed.
Yet just that one tingling hope. Yet even with that I laugh. Sniffling knowing that I can't hold open my arms and hope that they want to be inside them. It really sickens me but that is life. That is how I must move.
But still the one thing that makes me keep searching for that hope is trust in truth. That deep feeling inside of me that says I know I will some day. Although I don't know when. I never understand the depth of that certainty I have. You just try to shake it off of me, but see it come charging back into the system.
Such an unusual person I can be. The circumstances too. I shake my head in doubt when it comes to really listening to what I know is real. And then I just do hear, apply it. So simple and yet so complex.
I know that those who I want back in my life read. I know that they see what my emotions are. I know that even their friends read. I get that. Yet I won't say what is really sinking low inside of me. Especially all that I have held.
Oh how I just want the thoughts to end. Just long enough to make me strong again. I don't want to feel weak when I know I can be bolder. Though what is the point, in this case. The whole idea is to just let go of the barriers and allow the emotions of me pour out. Why bother sitting here bottling it all up for someone who cares nothing over them? I need to just allow the flowing tears to cause the headache and stuffy nose.
At least then I will understand the truth depth of how I really felt for those people. I don't see the point in holding it in now, no one will see it. Just me and my cat.
So I suppose it doesn't matter if I screamed how I feel via poetry, it just won't come back to hurt anyone. They are just the past that creeps up on you here and there. Memories that make me just want to curl up in a ball. Ceasing to breathe to just forget.
When I close my eyes blank pages await to be filled not me holding an eraser to eliminate some other images just to make room for new hopes. Just. well. That is it for now.
But I really do want to talk but how?
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