I thought
Looking over a few poems I have just about a month passed and I still feel that great loss of a friend. As much as I strive to be this grand person that moves forward. I am still incapable if completely washing away the time, the memories and the heartache. Surely it just proves I am a woman. Proves that I feel deeper than I wanted too. Even worse is that I still have to say that I have my moments when I just want to reach out and say ANYTHING. Yet I don't because I said goodbye.
Even worse is that I cry at times with thinking about the silly moments. Seems like decades ago. Surprisingly that is okay. Today I didn't feel well. Not because of my autoimmunity but because frankly I got a cold just trying to getting involved with work. To eliminate my mind from thinking about anything.
I strive so hard to be this person that helps everyone else, which is so ingrained inside of me. I see that there are people worse off than me. I even try so hard to forget that maybe I need someone to be there for me. Yet I don't ask for help. It isn't in me to ask.
Even more so it isn't me to go backwards either. As much as I'd like to take back the day I said goodbye I just knew if I didn't I would just be seen, forever, as a convenience. And I am not. And even if my thoughts replay the day over and over a million times in thought of hindsight, you still won't see me asking for the second chance, nor a third or seven hundredth. I just won't do it. You either got to give it to me without a pity party or you just have to walk away.
So today, in my weepy mode I have seen good memories and ones that have destroyed me. Today I just want to see one surprise. Yet I can't even begin to say what. A perchance of kindness in a day. And with that I laugh. Knowing that to do that, some would have to break out of their molds. Highly unlikely. Its just not something, people have built inside of them. The cycle is just too comforting.
Alas I just say whatever. I have been in these moments. I have built this new stone wall around myself. Trying my hardest to not let too many cracks remain open. I can't allow the waves of uncertainty to crash and seep in. Just how I have to be.
I have learn many times to just walk away. Completely wash myself of people. At times I really don't like that because I know I need just one person who is with me. Oh and to finally get what it is about me, oh how amazing that would be. Yet I know that is even more rare than a true friend.
So sure I sound bitter and sarcastic but that is just my defense mechanism. For I surely don't want to get hurt like that again. I don't want to put my time into anything too substantial if it is just me doing the work. I tire easily of that mess. Sure I can go seven, ten or even fifteen years before one day I crack. Finally sensing that I am doing too much. In fact I have done so. My soul and spirit shut down completely.
I couldn't compose myself as a real person anymore. I was so far outside of who I really was that I started to believe that I could never change, becoming the person I am supposed to be, anymore. That is sadness in any situation.
Yet did you know even through the worst of relationships and friendships I still forgive the worst of the name calling and the heated despising emotions. I always forgive. That is what makes me so gullible for people. And so I can only do so much before the bitter, coldness and alarming snapping comes out. That is when you know I have had enough. That the spirit inside of me is no longer shining.
I have been wiped out of energy to put towards people. Sure that is where heartless, calculating and destructive come into play. Yet if I were an animal put in the corner and needing to fight for my life, you would understand, right? Well that is what happens after a while. When I intake too much. When I think or overthink the various scenarios. When I finally break and need to say something. I just have to lash out. I am tired of taking on all the concerns.
Sure you think I was a person who worried about things that were of no concern to me, yet, I was still a part of you. In some way. SO I snapped.
And now. Well I am not sorry for being accurate in my assessment of the situation. I think the hardest part is that you knew I was right. Even worse is how silly the steps were. So clear.
Yet I let so much slip away. I let so much of what I saw of the big picture and the details of the wedged puzzle pieces, slide on by. Letting the actions of people prove that cycles still run a big routine.
Even more noted that today, every day I say something whether inside my mind or pasting on instagram I have some sort of retort back. Its a huge sadness that some people feel the necessity to ruin another person, based on another person's view, or standings. I have to admit I only allowed one instance to let me run with someone's opinion of another person, and I dissed that person so fast. But soon became a realization I was a listener to idle gossip. Ah I reaped my actions.
So now I just listen to what I read on a person. I stick with what my gut says. Sadly, many times too accurate for my own liking. Even more so are the very understanding aspects of the outcome. Only because the cycles are the same.
And right this minute, my eyes have cleared up. Now listening to Plumb. Onward I sigh with the rise of a temperature but I am satisfied that I cried. I needed you to know that my mind still thinks about things, about a man, about friendships washed away and about life what could have been and will be. Shocking as it is, the mountains is where it goes from here.
I can't expect anyone to know what exactly I am saying but I understand the depth of it. The flashes and the pictures. The comprehension of what solitude and gratitude I have. I will find myself there, with a black coffee and laughter. Where I will bump into an old friend.
I don't expect that to be any part of truth to some or even for them to acknowledge what I understand as definite. All I can say is trust Jehovah. He knows.
As I will always do.
So sure, I thought about you today. I dreamed of hugging. I felt warmth in a smile even as my tears fell. I don't expect anything to be done, just that my words were heard. All other parts of life is up to you.
One never knows the future but trusts what Jehovah knows.
Even worse is that I cry at times with thinking about the silly moments. Seems like decades ago. Surprisingly that is okay. Today I didn't feel well. Not because of my autoimmunity but because frankly I got a cold just trying to getting involved with work. To eliminate my mind from thinking about anything.
I strive so hard to be this person that helps everyone else, which is so ingrained inside of me. I see that there are people worse off than me. I even try so hard to forget that maybe I need someone to be there for me. Yet I don't ask for help. It isn't in me to ask.
Even more so it isn't me to go backwards either. As much as I'd like to take back the day I said goodbye I just knew if I didn't I would just be seen, forever, as a convenience. And I am not. And even if my thoughts replay the day over and over a million times in thought of hindsight, you still won't see me asking for the second chance, nor a third or seven hundredth. I just won't do it. You either got to give it to me without a pity party or you just have to walk away.
So today, in my weepy mode I have seen good memories and ones that have destroyed me. Today I just want to see one surprise. Yet I can't even begin to say what. A perchance of kindness in a day. And with that I laugh. Knowing that to do that, some would have to break out of their molds. Highly unlikely. Its just not something, people have built inside of them. The cycle is just too comforting.
Alas I just say whatever. I have been in these moments. I have built this new stone wall around myself. Trying my hardest to not let too many cracks remain open. I can't allow the waves of uncertainty to crash and seep in. Just how I have to be.
I have learn many times to just walk away. Completely wash myself of people. At times I really don't like that because I know I need just one person who is with me. Oh and to finally get what it is about me, oh how amazing that would be. Yet I know that is even more rare than a true friend.
So sure I sound bitter and sarcastic but that is just my defense mechanism. For I surely don't want to get hurt like that again. I don't want to put my time into anything too substantial if it is just me doing the work. I tire easily of that mess. Sure I can go seven, ten or even fifteen years before one day I crack. Finally sensing that I am doing too much. In fact I have done so. My soul and spirit shut down completely.
I couldn't compose myself as a real person anymore. I was so far outside of who I really was that I started to believe that I could never change, becoming the person I am supposed to be, anymore. That is sadness in any situation.
Yet did you know even through the worst of relationships and friendships I still forgive the worst of the name calling and the heated despising emotions. I always forgive. That is what makes me so gullible for people. And so I can only do so much before the bitter, coldness and alarming snapping comes out. That is when you know I have had enough. That the spirit inside of me is no longer shining.
I have been wiped out of energy to put towards people. Sure that is where heartless, calculating and destructive come into play. Yet if I were an animal put in the corner and needing to fight for my life, you would understand, right? Well that is what happens after a while. When I intake too much. When I think or overthink the various scenarios. When I finally break and need to say something. I just have to lash out. I am tired of taking on all the concerns.
Sure you think I was a person who worried about things that were of no concern to me, yet, I was still a part of you. In some way. SO I snapped.
And now. Well I am not sorry for being accurate in my assessment of the situation. I think the hardest part is that you knew I was right. Even worse is how silly the steps were. So clear.
Yet I let so much slip away. I let so much of what I saw of the big picture and the details of the wedged puzzle pieces, slide on by. Letting the actions of people prove that cycles still run a big routine.
Even more noted that today, every day I say something whether inside my mind or pasting on instagram I have some sort of retort back. Its a huge sadness that some people feel the necessity to ruin another person, based on another person's view, or standings. I have to admit I only allowed one instance to let me run with someone's opinion of another person, and I dissed that person so fast. But soon became a realization I was a listener to idle gossip. Ah I reaped my actions.
So now I just listen to what I read on a person. I stick with what my gut says. Sadly, many times too accurate for my own liking. Even more so are the very understanding aspects of the outcome. Only because the cycles are the same.
And right this minute, my eyes have cleared up. Now listening to Plumb. Onward I sigh with the rise of a temperature but I am satisfied that I cried. I needed you to know that my mind still thinks about things, about a man, about friendships washed away and about life what could have been and will be. Shocking as it is, the mountains is where it goes from here.
I can't expect anyone to know what exactly I am saying but I understand the depth of it. The flashes and the pictures. The comprehension of what solitude and gratitude I have. I will find myself there, with a black coffee and laughter. Where I will bump into an old friend.
I don't expect that to be any part of truth to some or even for them to acknowledge what I understand as definite. All I can say is trust Jehovah. He knows.
As I will always do.
So sure, I thought about you today. I dreamed of hugging. I felt warmth in a smile even as my tears fell. I don't expect anything to be done, just that my words were heard. All other parts of life is up to you.
One never knows the future but trusts what Jehovah knows.
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