My worth
Imagined bliss when I fell. Yet today I realized some dreams are meant to be shut down. And gladly I do that everyday I think of the hope to speak again.
I relive that last moment. I realize I pushed so hard, the door and I wanted it to be slammed. I hoped hard and I got that. I am grateful that no longer am I a friend on some glorified ladder. Either way it was never ending. Now it is.
I had dreamed of waiting for you and even hoping I was worthy of real kisses from you. Only to place the idea on hold. Of course I was worth that and so much more. Maybe not to you but I was worth it.
I even allowed myself to feel guilty for asking my worth to you. I allowed myself to say nothing about my feelings only to realize that was the worst emotion ever. To settle oneself as an eternal friend. What bull.
I deserve more. Yes deserve. My worth is above your pay. So friendship to me is more than a quick roll. It was worth it's weight in conversation. Since that was nothing we had I am grateful the door slammed shut.
I even at one point in time craved to have you, even if it was just going to be in a hug. And now, off. My soul aches over my stupidity. I have moved forward.
Not once have I had the want nor need to even see if life is carrying on the way you desired. Much less is there an itch to see if there were stumbling blocks. For now I see my job is over.
Sure I had a major momentary lapse of craziness but I am placing that out with the rest of the trash. Sure times echoed the memories made but the thing is, they are just the past flashing by. I have no emotion for them now.
I was so desperate, at one time, to be near you. Even have a text from you and yet now I laugh at how simple you thought me to be. A big push over that you gained laughs from. No.
I was drawn down a road that I had to turn around on. I couldn't allow myself be dirt again. I had been there once with you. You even tossed me like a sack of potatoes. And I had waited for that moment again. Waiting.
Dare I say I was allowing it to happen again. But I stopped. I stooped so low to see someone doing the same. I laughed. I laughed so hard watching a replay of my actions done by someone else. I laughed and pushed you to the brink. And you know what, it was so liberating.
To recognize my worth of a woman was so much more powerful. I didn't want to live under a wing of diguises and lies anymore. I had done that once already for you. Yes all for you.
And though sometimes being a raw woman I get desperate. Yet by far never too close to finding you. Never.
I welcomed my empty emotion. I welcomed the reality. I welcomed being alone but not lonely. For I am by far not lonely.
Shaking my soul I dive deep to the healing spirit. I have so many scars and yet I still can stand, walk bravely as I have before.
Sure I sound insane to you because I am far above what you look for. I am not helpless anymore. I didn't think I could walk on my own, without you. Yet I proved it.
This tortured and battered spirit still questions life, Jehovah. So I know I will be okay. Every day is new for me. As the tiny ripples begin to grow the forest and ocean thrive.
I don't expect you to ever understand me. That, I have comes to terms with. I know now, that I was not your equal. Though she is out there. I hope you find her. For I know that she isn't near yet.
I always give hope to the fact that one day I am no longer guessing but absorbing. Each new step of life is pulling me to learn.
No longer will I be waiting. No longer will I be that memory. No longer will I wonder. Though you will.
Sadly that is the course of truth. The reality of it all. And I am sorry that life, you will learn, isn't as expected but harder.
Though now I see the peace I have even in my healing. I see the pure calm that I experience daily in knowing the key has been tossed. Knowing that my mind is wondering about the process in getting closer to Jehovah once more.
That is my healing. I can't say you will ever get it. But that is okay. You have friends, imperfect people that "get you " sort of. Not all parts but that is how you play your game of life.
Cheerio. Dhanyabad.
I relive that last moment. I realize I pushed so hard, the door and I wanted it to be slammed. I hoped hard and I got that. I am grateful that no longer am I a friend on some glorified ladder. Either way it was never ending. Now it is.
I had dreamed of waiting for you and even hoping I was worthy of real kisses from you. Only to place the idea on hold. Of course I was worth that and so much more. Maybe not to you but I was worth it.
I even allowed myself to feel guilty for asking my worth to you. I allowed myself to say nothing about my feelings only to realize that was the worst emotion ever. To settle oneself as an eternal friend. What bull.
I deserve more. Yes deserve. My worth is above your pay. So friendship to me is more than a quick roll. It was worth it's weight in conversation. Since that was nothing we had I am grateful the door slammed shut.
I even at one point in time craved to have you, even if it was just going to be in a hug. And now, off. My soul aches over my stupidity. I have moved forward.
Not once have I had the want nor need to even see if life is carrying on the way you desired. Much less is there an itch to see if there were stumbling blocks. For now I see my job is over.
Sure I had a major momentary lapse of craziness but I am placing that out with the rest of the trash. Sure times echoed the memories made but the thing is, they are just the past flashing by. I have no emotion for them now.
I was so desperate, at one time, to be near you. Even have a text from you and yet now I laugh at how simple you thought me to be. A big push over that you gained laughs from. No.
I was drawn down a road that I had to turn around on. I couldn't allow myself be dirt again. I had been there once with you. You even tossed me like a sack of potatoes. And I had waited for that moment again. Waiting.
Dare I say I was allowing it to happen again. But I stopped. I stooped so low to see someone doing the same. I laughed. I laughed so hard watching a replay of my actions done by someone else. I laughed and pushed you to the brink. And you know what, it was so liberating.
To recognize my worth of a woman was so much more powerful. I didn't want to live under a wing of diguises and lies anymore. I had done that once already for you. Yes all for you.
And though sometimes being a raw woman I get desperate. Yet by far never too close to finding you. Never.
I welcomed my empty emotion. I welcomed the reality. I welcomed being alone but not lonely. For I am by far not lonely.
Shaking my soul I dive deep to the healing spirit. I have so many scars and yet I still can stand, walk bravely as I have before.
Sure I sound insane to you because I am far above what you look for. I am not helpless anymore. I didn't think I could walk on my own, without you. Yet I proved it.
This tortured and battered spirit still questions life, Jehovah. So I know I will be okay. Every day is new for me. As the tiny ripples begin to grow the forest and ocean thrive.
I don't expect you to ever understand me. That, I have comes to terms with. I know now, that I was not your equal. Though she is out there. I hope you find her. For I know that she isn't near yet.
I always give hope to the fact that one day I am no longer guessing but absorbing. Each new step of life is pulling me to learn.
No longer will I be waiting. No longer will I be that memory. No longer will I wonder. Though you will.
Sadly that is the course of truth. The reality of it all. And I am sorry that life, you will learn, isn't as expected but harder.
Though now I see the peace I have even in my healing. I see the pure calm that I experience daily in knowing the key has been tossed. Knowing that my mind is wondering about the process in getting closer to Jehovah once more.
That is my healing. I can't say you will ever get it. But that is okay. You have friends, imperfect people that "get you " sort of. Not all parts but that is how you play your game of life.
Cheerio. Dhanyabad.
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