My progress
I have all these wonderful Watchtowers dating back to 2010. The Awakes I didn't keep many, now chiding myself for not having some. I realize that I can go to the website and look but to feel the connection of paper is just a blessed piece.
A kindness that the paper meant so much and was hard to get finished. That old world printing so pressed inside of me.
Looking over a few I recall my notes on the study Watchtowers. I miss how I didn't study very hard on some. These moments where being rushed or the importance to getting back with those going out into service. I had high regard of that.
Yet the mind wasn't completely there. I had other motives. It was not really me having my heart in it anymore. The hope to reach someone and help bring them to learn about the bible. I didn't see the point anymore.
Then expanding into a foreign language was not what I should have done. Yet I did follow into it. Loving every minute. Yet getting too involved in a social whirlwind, so much that I lost who I was. Not seeing that I was dropping off the spectrum of the importance in finding people who needed to hear what the bible really said.
So far from even letting the words soak into my heart, so far of accepting the directions that Jehovah was pushing in my face. So much of me ignoring him for my own personal gain. I know I fell. I know exactly when I lost contact with Jehovah. It was long before I was disfellowshipped.
I let go and just waited for all parts to spiral out of control. Dragging the dead point to the highest mountain. That is where I just felt a HUGE sigh of relief. I no longer had to pretend to be someone important. No one would have to look up to me anymore.
Yes I was so grateful that Jehovah heard my death cries.
To this day I can say that I have opened my eyes to so many different types of people. Not for the reason of wanting to be best buds but for the aspect of one day being able to reach them. That is my goal.
Yet the first steps are the hardest. I only have one goal right now. To make it to the Memorial. If anything else is available before then I am not sure but I will keep praying about it. Yet my ultimate goal is the Memorial. That will be the first interesting step.
Anything else is the icing on the cake. But for now, I have to work on the reaching out further. I am still working on those horrible issues within myself. Yet even though I am scared I know I will be okay. Stated earlier in another poem is the 1 Corinthians 10:13 scripture. I wholeheartedly see that as well as the piece in the beginning of 1 Corinthians (1:27, 28). 27 "but God chose the foolish things of the world to put the wise men to shame and God chose the weak things of the world to put the strong things to shame. 28 and God chose the insignificant things of the world and the things looked down on.."(NWT)
I have to see that Jehovah chose me for a reason. So I am grateful that he keeps putting people in my line of sight to keep searching for the truth inside my heart, once more. I had to cry a little bit today. I saw a good person I knew before and I actually was going to ask her something, yet I didn't. I just hoped her night stayed wonderful and that life was beautiful.
Yet that takes me back to this AMAZING sister who helped me with so much, and I couldn't let her inside my life. I couldn't allow myself to drag her down at all. But her favorite scripture rings so LOUD in my head. This is truly the scripture I have to help me besides so many other ones but this woman was truly remarkable. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore, we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside is wasting away certainly the man we are inside is being renewed from day to day. For though the tribulation is momentary and light. It works out for us a glory that is of more and more surpassing greatness and is everlasting; while we keep our eyes, not on the things seen, but on the things unseen. For the things seen are temporary, but the things unseen are everlasting." (NWT)
I have to keep reminding myself of the unseen. That is the glory to behold. The kind gift from Jehovah. So much of me is gone but I still hold out for that. So what is stopping me from entering the Kingdom hall? The fact I don't exercise the faith. I don't apply it anymore. I pray. But I don't search like I used to. That is the part that harms me. Scares me because I am doing wrong to Jehovah for my stupidity.
Yet all I need is that one push. It will come soon. That I have to be patient for. A bit of kindness in the relearning. Jehovah wants all his children back. So I am trying. But am I really trying hard - no. My progress is sloth slow, tortoise fast. Yet I am growing.
That is progress nevertheless.
I have to find that reason to stay chained to Jehovah's table. I have to search for that part that makes me see WHY Jesus died for me. I let that go. I have forgotten why it was so precious of a gift. See that is where I have to relearn everything. I can't expect to just jump back in. And I certainly felt that if I kept going to the hall all this time, I really was only hurting myself more and asking myself to hate Jehovah. He doesn't deserve hate especially not from me.
So that is my progress. Knowing that it is my prerogative to listen to what Matthews 5:44,45 says " However I say to you: Continue to love your enemies and to pray for those who persecute you, so that you may prove yourselves sons of your Father who is in the heavens, since he makes his sun rise on both the wicked and the good and makes it rain on both the righteous and the unrighteous." (NWT)
I have to remind myself that, that is the way to live life. Striving for that as the best goal.
All I can say is that yes, it has been a real EYE opener. And I am so grateful to Jehovah for the swift kick in my rear. I needed it and he saw that. I am thankful and praising him this bit of joy. Now comes the dreams.
As for anyone reading this, I hope you see the encouragement that can be found within good and bad people. And even though I am disfellowshipped and have been away from the truth a whole six months I recognize the reality of how much the bible tells us. So I must find a way to go find myself back in Jehovah's loving arms.
I don't expect just a year. I don't expect anything. I just hope. That is the best thing.
A kindness that the paper meant so much and was hard to get finished. That old world printing so pressed inside of me.
Looking over a few I recall my notes on the study Watchtowers. I miss how I didn't study very hard on some. These moments where being rushed or the importance to getting back with those going out into service. I had high regard of that.
Yet the mind wasn't completely there. I had other motives. It was not really me having my heart in it anymore. The hope to reach someone and help bring them to learn about the bible. I didn't see the point anymore.
Then expanding into a foreign language was not what I should have done. Yet I did follow into it. Loving every minute. Yet getting too involved in a social whirlwind, so much that I lost who I was. Not seeing that I was dropping off the spectrum of the importance in finding people who needed to hear what the bible really said.
So far from even letting the words soak into my heart, so far of accepting the directions that Jehovah was pushing in my face. So much of me ignoring him for my own personal gain. I know I fell. I know exactly when I lost contact with Jehovah. It was long before I was disfellowshipped.
I let go and just waited for all parts to spiral out of control. Dragging the dead point to the highest mountain. That is where I just felt a HUGE sigh of relief. I no longer had to pretend to be someone important. No one would have to look up to me anymore.
Yes I was so grateful that Jehovah heard my death cries.
To this day I can say that I have opened my eyes to so many different types of people. Not for the reason of wanting to be best buds but for the aspect of one day being able to reach them. That is my goal.
Yet the first steps are the hardest. I only have one goal right now. To make it to the Memorial. If anything else is available before then I am not sure but I will keep praying about it. Yet my ultimate goal is the Memorial. That will be the first interesting step.
Anything else is the icing on the cake. But for now, I have to work on the reaching out further. I am still working on those horrible issues within myself. Yet even though I am scared I know I will be okay. Stated earlier in another poem is the 1 Corinthians 10:13 scripture. I wholeheartedly see that as well as the piece in the beginning of 1 Corinthians (1:27, 28). 27 "but God chose the foolish things of the world to put the wise men to shame and God chose the weak things of the world to put the strong things to shame. 28 and God chose the insignificant things of the world and the things looked down on.."(NWT)
I have to see that Jehovah chose me for a reason. So I am grateful that he keeps putting people in my line of sight to keep searching for the truth inside my heart, once more. I had to cry a little bit today. I saw a good person I knew before and I actually was going to ask her something, yet I didn't. I just hoped her night stayed wonderful and that life was beautiful.
Yet that takes me back to this AMAZING sister who helped me with so much, and I couldn't let her inside my life. I couldn't allow myself to drag her down at all. But her favorite scripture rings so LOUD in my head. This is truly the scripture I have to help me besides so many other ones but this woman was truly remarkable. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore, we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside is wasting away certainly the man we are inside is being renewed from day to day. For though the tribulation is momentary and light. It works out for us a glory that is of more and more surpassing greatness and is everlasting; while we keep our eyes, not on the things seen, but on the things unseen. For the things seen are temporary, but the things unseen are everlasting." (NWT)
I have to keep reminding myself of the unseen. That is the glory to behold. The kind gift from Jehovah. So much of me is gone but I still hold out for that. So what is stopping me from entering the Kingdom hall? The fact I don't exercise the faith. I don't apply it anymore. I pray. But I don't search like I used to. That is the part that harms me. Scares me because I am doing wrong to Jehovah for my stupidity.
Yet all I need is that one push. It will come soon. That I have to be patient for. A bit of kindness in the relearning. Jehovah wants all his children back. So I am trying. But am I really trying hard - no. My progress is sloth slow, tortoise fast. Yet I am growing.
That is progress nevertheless.
I have to find that reason to stay chained to Jehovah's table. I have to search for that part that makes me see WHY Jesus died for me. I let that go. I have forgotten why it was so precious of a gift. See that is where I have to relearn everything. I can't expect to just jump back in. And I certainly felt that if I kept going to the hall all this time, I really was only hurting myself more and asking myself to hate Jehovah. He doesn't deserve hate especially not from me.
So that is my progress. Knowing that it is my prerogative to listen to what Matthews 5:44,45 says " However I say to you: Continue to love your enemies and to pray for those who persecute you, so that you may prove yourselves sons of your Father who is in the heavens, since he makes his sun rise on both the wicked and the good and makes it rain on both the righteous and the unrighteous." (NWT)
I have to remind myself that, that is the way to live life. Striving for that as the best goal.
All I can say is that yes, it has been a real EYE opener. And I am so grateful to Jehovah for the swift kick in my rear. I needed it and he saw that. I am thankful and praising him this bit of joy. Now comes the dreams.
As for anyone reading this, I hope you see the encouragement that can be found within good and bad people. And even though I am disfellowshipped and have been away from the truth a whole six months I recognize the reality of how much the bible tells us. So I must find a way to go find myself back in Jehovah's loving arms.
I don't expect just a year. I don't expect anything. I just hope. That is the best thing.
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