I am a helper
The funny times of me just doesn't get how some people can be moving along and getting things done that are necessary to life only to have someone come in to strangle all the goodness in the moment. Why is it so impertinent to attain that blackness? Why must a person need to divide someone so much to make them feel like they have to constantly explain themselves?
I don't see the point of always having to explain myself to people. Either you do research on how to be my true friend, learn to hate me or just get out of the way. Why bother being a nuisance?
And still some inkling inside of me want to help someone comprehend and even help them be a stronger person. Its this innate piece of me. I find that I see someone struggling, I may even be the issue but I still feel the need to try to help. I daresay its a form of sadness and a bit of joy in the changes.
Yet I know there is nothing I can do to change, no, not even help these people. Yet I try so hard, grinding myself down to a piece of worn wool. Still sturdy enough but worn so thin. Why would it matter to anyone if I am ground to a thin, bare thread?
In the past I thought it mattered. The depth of the hope that someone would truly want to grasp the understanding of how I think. Today I thought of how someone can be so lost without someone. I looked over the decades of my life and only saw two times when I felt completely lost without someone. First was when my maternal grandfather died. Truth be told I stuck my feelings into a corner and I laid the blame of his death upon myself. Yet he died of natural causes in his seventies. Then when I lost touch, contact with my children. Every day got fewer and fewer until the only thing holding me in their thoughts was a possible card, if they even really got that but not by my failure of sending one.
I think about all the times that people become so crazy protective over the person they love, the person who chooses them. It is this kind of sadness I feel but not because I have a empty spot, no. It is because I have yet to "get" that pull. I have not been chosen.
All the while I still lean into my prayers to understand situations of people. I get angry because I know I have issues. I know that my frustrations are kept deep until I burst. Most of the time I am capable of working with my hands - painting or making jewelry. By far I am mediocre in the talent but I have plenty of hobbies.
When I strive so hard to try to input some advice I forget so many times that I, also, need to listen to the preaching. So many times I realize that my advice is really for me, from Jehovah but also to help others. I even come across to realize that some people just don't want or need help. They must learn their own faults and their own trials.
I have had a hard time learning to let go of people I can't help anymore. There is always something inside of me that chimes in on a new idea or theory to help. Then I realize that I pushed them away. Learning that life has to teach them what they need to know.
Days upon days I have been searching for ways to improve. Finding causes to dig deeper into. Learning where I need to apply a new direction or even sit and listen to the changes. Meditating over the differences in how I am walking.
Its that piece that makes me see, comprehend that there is still a need for me to help others. Yet the time is not right now. The moments I have now are here to show me how I need to reconnect to the one person I left behind. Jehovah.
So, sure I have so much to correct before I am capable of doing any major steps but that is how I have to go about things. And if there is a constant attack on any one person, I won't be listening. I am so tired of being played inside the middle of something I left so long ago.
All I am going to say is when someone chooses you, listen - leap and grab - not letting go. Only thing I hope for is that insecurities of stance inside that choice be demolished because I cannot be warring with a possible sibling. There is no peace in life when that is happening. There is division and I am not going to be the reason anymore.
Let the past including all that is drama surrounding any people be over. I am tired. I am living for me and my relationship with Jehovah. So much time I have, so much is precious and I am growing ever exhausted. Back down and press on to your growth. Leave the shadows where they lay.
Refresh the solitude of joy and seek the truth in love. That is all I can beg for because I am growing, finally. I hope you are too.
I don't see the point of always having to explain myself to people. Either you do research on how to be my true friend, learn to hate me or just get out of the way. Why bother being a nuisance?
And still some inkling inside of me want to help someone comprehend and even help them be a stronger person. Its this innate piece of me. I find that I see someone struggling, I may even be the issue but I still feel the need to try to help. I daresay its a form of sadness and a bit of joy in the changes.
Yet I know there is nothing I can do to change, no, not even help these people. Yet I try so hard, grinding myself down to a piece of worn wool. Still sturdy enough but worn so thin. Why would it matter to anyone if I am ground to a thin, bare thread?
In the past I thought it mattered. The depth of the hope that someone would truly want to grasp the understanding of how I think. Today I thought of how someone can be so lost without someone. I looked over the decades of my life and only saw two times when I felt completely lost without someone. First was when my maternal grandfather died. Truth be told I stuck my feelings into a corner and I laid the blame of his death upon myself. Yet he died of natural causes in his seventies. Then when I lost touch, contact with my children. Every day got fewer and fewer until the only thing holding me in their thoughts was a possible card, if they even really got that but not by my failure of sending one.
I think about all the times that people become so crazy protective over the person they love, the person who chooses them. It is this kind of sadness I feel but not because I have a empty spot, no. It is because I have yet to "get" that pull. I have not been chosen.
All the while I still lean into my prayers to understand situations of people. I get angry because I know I have issues. I know that my frustrations are kept deep until I burst. Most of the time I am capable of working with my hands - painting or making jewelry. By far I am mediocre in the talent but I have plenty of hobbies.
When I strive so hard to try to input some advice I forget so many times that I, also, need to listen to the preaching. So many times I realize that my advice is really for me, from Jehovah but also to help others. I even come across to realize that some people just don't want or need help. They must learn their own faults and their own trials.
I have had a hard time learning to let go of people I can't help anymore. There is always something inside of me that chimes in on a new idea or theory to help. Then I realize that I pushed them away. Learning that life has to teach them what they need to know.
Days upon days I have been searching for ways to improve. Finding causes to dig deeper into. Learning where I need to apply a new direction or even sit and listen to the changes. Meditating over the differences in how I am walking.
Its that piece that makes me see, comprehend that there is still a need for me to help others. Yet the time is not right now. The moments I have now are here to show me how I need to reconnect to the one person I left behind. Jehovah.
So, sure I have so much to correct before I am capable of doing any major steps but that is how I have to go about things. And if there is a constant attack on any one person, I won't be listening. I am so tired of being played inside the middle of something I left so long ago.
All I am going to say is when someone chooses you, listen - leap and grab - not letting go. Only thing I hope for is that insecurities of stance inside that choice be demolished because I cannot be warring with a possible sibling. There is no peace in life when that is happening. There is division and I am not going to be the reason anymore.
Let the past including all that is drama surrounding any people be over. I am tired. I am living for me and my relationship with Jehovah. So much time I have, so much is precious and I am growing ever exhausted. Back down and press on to your growth. Leave the shadows where they lay.
Refresh the solitude of joy and seek the truth in love. That is all I can beg for because I am growing, finally. I hope you are too.
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