The labelled hello
I unloaded and refreshed my mind. As well as finding out that some charcoal scrubs are just permanent staining. Its a good laugh I had and got to smile so loud. Now the day will be better. Hopefully a bit of kindness will come my way.
I won't know but I certainly hope. A kind hello is echoing inside my head. This bouncy childlike voice that says haha catch me if you can attitude. So good to have that gentle feeling inside. To unclog the person I should be so I can learn to help others.
I know my issues of friendships will always be something that picks at me but that is something I have to learn to live with. No need for me to feel bad because I walked away when I thought it was the end. It was the time because eventually I would irritate the last nerve. I knew I would do that.
And I did.
Yet you know the only thing I regret is not pushing the nerves before. Not showing that I can be like that, to hide myself for someone is WRONG. I hated doing it. I hated showing who I am to someone who I thought knew me.
That was the roughest part.
And still here I am moving along. Unwinding the tattered tapestry strings. Finding a new place for them to be incorporated. Not in our tapestry. Not on our burnt bridge. Once I cared about how people perceived me but I had to learn that if I always hiding who I am to people when will they want to search for me?
I just have to let go. It is the best thing to be opened up, even dusted off. Finding out who I am and what Jehovah intends for me to do. This is my truth.
I am a jealous type only because I had trusted in someone only to be torn. I didn't believe words anymore. I had to see if promises people gave, actually would ring true. Only to know that promises are just words people say to appease another person in hopes of gaining favors somewhere down the road.
It is not a truth, not even an action.
I don't trust too many people even though I give it pretty easily. I lean into the hope that the words spoken are real. That they keep their word. Yet I have learned over and over again that we are all imperfect. Fall short so many times.
I realized I had high expectations when someone gave me a promise. I really hoped that it would come true and to be proven that I was a fool, stabs me. So pardon if the crazy or crabby side of me comes out. For if you ever promise me something you best own up to it. For otherwise I shuck you out with the rest of the lot.
And when you see me get angry, really angry and say I should reconsider, had you not seen that I had several times over? Most people have never seen me livid. Oh those who do learn fast to stand clear. And those precious few that do know how to handle me like that, I say thank you.
Yet jealousy is not really the meaning of true jealousy. I have such a grand expansion of passion for subjects, people and places. When I get so involved in one of these I can become an advocate, so driven, so passionate about it, them that the idea of coveting or spouting jealousy shines out. Yet I am not coveting nor jealous. I am passionate and determined. Either to bring a complete task out of the situation or to protect people from harm. And with this is where some like to label me cold hearted, crazy, fierce, emotional and just downright messed up. Yet did you really begin to look at me?
I could go on and on over my flaws, trust me, there are many. Yet to find someone that really wants to sit down, hold a conversation (by this I mean you ask lots of questions to me) with coffee and get to know me, an unusual prospect. Most have been scared off by the labels they placed on me because I have so many contradictions and layers that they never seem to feel like they can get all of what they want to know.
If there was a book about me it would be those chose your own direction or a map to the next page kind of book. Nothing really to the point. So much of me is closed up. I have been hurt too many times.
Yet as many times as I have been knocked down, I can still dust off my backside and stand up again. That is my conviction, my positive energy and my passion.
If anyone dares themselves to sit down and want to get to know me, sure I am open. But I won't EVER make the first move. Just how it is.
Quiet but observant.
Now just readying myself for another cup of hot chai tea. Drink of choice of late.
I hope I gave some part of understanding me. Ah all I can do now is just enjoy the night until the next poem.
I won't know but I certainly hope. A kind hello is echoing inside my head. This bouncy childlike voice that says haha catch me if you can attitude. So good to have that gentle feeling inside. To unclog the person I should be so I can learn to help others.
I know my issues of friendships will always be something that picks at me but that is something I have to learn to live with. No need for me to feel bad because I walked away when I thought it was the end. It was the time because eventually I would irritate the last nerve. I knew I would do that.
And I did.
Yet you know the only thing I regret is not pushing the nerves before. Not showing that I can be like that, to hide myself for someone is WRONG. I hated doing it. I hated showing who I am to someone who I thought knew me.
That was the roughest part.
And still here I am moving along. Unwinding the tattered tapestry strings. Finding a new place for them to be incorporated. Not in our tapestry. Not on our burnt bridge. Once I cared about how people perceived me but I had to learn that if I always hiding who I am to people when will they want to search for me?
I just have to let go. It is the best thing to be opened up, even dusted off. Finding out who I am and what Jehovah intends for me to do. This is my truth.
I am a jealous type only because I had trusted in someone only to be torn. I didn't believe words anymore. I had to see if promises people gave, actually would ring true. Only to know that promises are just words people say to appease another person in hopes of gaining favors somewhere down the road.
It is not a truth, not even an action.
I don't trust too many people even though I give it pretty easily. I lean into the hope that the words spoken are real. That they keep their word. Yet I have learned over and over again that we are all imperfect. Fall short so many times.
I realized I had high expectations when someone gave me a promise. I really hoped that it would come true and to be proven that I was a fool, stabs me. So pardon if the crazy or crabby side of me comes out. For if you ever promise me something you best own up to it. For otherwise I shuck you out with the rest of the lot.
And when you see me get angry, really angry and say I should reconsider, had you not seen that I had several times over? Most people have never seen me livid. Oh those who do learn fast to stand clear. And those precious few that do know how to handle me like that, I say thank you.
Yet jealousy is not really the meaning of true jealousy. I have such a grand expansion of passion for subjects, people and places. When I get so involved in one of these I can become an advocate, so driven, so passionate about it, them that the idea of coveting or spouting jealousy shines out. Yet I am not coveting nor jealous. I am passionate and determined. Either to bring a complete task out of the situation or to protect people from harm. And with this is where some like to label me cold hearted, crazy, fierce, emotional and just downright messed up. Yet did you really begin to look at me?
I could go on and on over my flaws, trust me, there are many. Yet to find someone that really wants to sit down, hold a conversation (by this I mean you ask lots of questions to me) with coffee and get to know me, an unusual prospect. Most have been scared off by the labels they placed on me because I have so many contradictions and layers that they never seem to feel like they can get all of what they want to know.
If there was a book about me it would be those chose your own direction or a map to the next page kind of book. Nothing really to the point. So much of me is closed up. I have been hurt too many times.
Yet as many times as I have been knocked down, I can still dust off my backside and stand up again. That is my conviction, my positive energy and my passion.
If anyone dares themselves to sit down and want to get to know me, sure I am open. But I won't EVER make the first move. Just how it is.
Quiet but observant.
Now just readying myself for another cup of hot chai tea. Drink of choice of late.
I hope I gave some part of understanding me. Ah all I can do now is just enjoy the night until the next poem.
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