A wait game
Looked over a few more scriptures to help me push to research more. I will have to wait until later to see if that push was something I wanted to listen to or not. Sitting here I recalled the words of a sister who told me as long as I went to a kingdom hall they could pray for me. I felt sad that I heard those words again just a moment ago.
I really hope that going to a Kingdom hall was just that easy. Yet I feel as though I am playing a lie when I sit in there listening to the brothers and sisters give their talks or demonstrations. I feel as it is a lie when nothing is touching my heart. As though I am stating to Jehovah, yeah I am here, present just not listening with my whole mind, whole heart, whole soul and whole strength.
I don't think that is learning anything. It makes the respect for Jehovah and all his people disappear. I cannot afford to begin to disrespect Jehovah now. I have already and the ONLY way back is to learn how to respect him completely.
I can't expect all those who knew me before to understand why it is SO important NOT to lie to Jehovah. Even more so not to feel as though I am playing a game with the seriousness of the truth. I just don't want to go back in pretending that I cared about anything said. I don't want the barrier of a pretense there.
I can't begin to understand people that go but still are playing both sides of the polo stick. Why? I suppose it is something that they are trained to do. I suppose that is why I am different. My learning methods are different. Each person is different.
Yet the only question I want to ask is : do you really ingest what is being taught?
I won't go further in exploring that because I will get sidetracked from my training. So now I just settle into playing a card game in hopes that all my thoughts are squashed enough that my eyes will finally shut.
This would be delightful in the least. Exuberance in the grandest form. Ah. Alas another hour half has lunged forward. So a declaration of six am being the near, possible, time for sleep. Oh I hope.
Now the sleep and wait game and twists and turns remain. A prayer of sleep is high.
And the day begins to break soon. Back to my card game.
I really hope that going to a Kingdom hall was just that easy. Yet I feel as though I am playing a lie when I sit in there listening to the brothers and sisters give their talks or demonstrations. I feel as it is a lie when nothing is touching my heart. As though I am stating to Jehovah, yeah I am here, present just not listening with my whole mind, whole heart, whole soul and whole strength.
I don't think that is learning anything. It makes the respect for Jehovah and all his people disappear. I cannot afford to begin to disrespect Jehovah now. I have already and the ONLY way back is to learn how to respect him completely.
I can't expect all those who knew me before to understand why it is SO important NOT to lie to Jehovah. Even more so not to feel as though I am playing a game with the seriousness of the truth. I just don't want to go back in pretending that I cared about anything said. I don't want the barrier of a pretense there.
I can't begin to understand people that go but still are playing both sides of the polo stick. Why? I suppose it is something that they are trained to do. I suppose that is why I am different. My learning methods are different. Each person is different.
Yet the only question I want to ask is : do you really ingest what is being taught?
I won't go further in exploring that because I will get sidetracked from my training. So now I just settle into playing a card game in hopes that all my thoughts are squashed enough that my eyes will finally shut.
This would be delightful in the least. Exuberance in the grandest form. Ah. Alas another hour half has lunged forward. So a declaration of six am being the near, possible, time for sleep. Oh I hope.
Now the sleep and wait game and twists and turns remain. A prayer of sleep is high.
And the day begins to break soon. Back to my card game.
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