Grand story for a child
See the theory in life for me was that I would gain this grand love and we would last for a lifetime. Then within the progress of ups and downs the story we built would prove of grand trusts and lots of children. Many untold understandings and many pieces of laughter. So faltering in steps and tears. Yet we were strong with each other.
Perhaps all in all it was a grand story for a child.
Yet the woman within me still can dream. I still hope for many pieces of that to happen but not holding my breath. And by far not waiting for someone to drop into my lap. Just not who I am. I believe that hard work, communication and laughter helps keep a relationship together. I understand that to the depth of me. And to say only love is the reason, no I can't say that.
I don't feel too desperate nor lonely to be in a constant search for someone. I have grown accustomed to being myself, alone. Sure there are times where I want to reach out and say something to someone but alas I recall I don't have a privilege anymore.
Sure it sounds as though I put salt in the wound inside myself. Making me a bitter person, I am not. I am not shallow in the understanding that it takes a woman between five and ten years to recoup from a relationship. For men it takes three to five years. I have seen both types jump right into a relationship forgoing the opportunity of seeing who they are without someone. In those moments I feel extreme pity on them.
It is okay to start to want to someone after a while, yet after you have formed this sort of independence within yourself the mechanism of want is overruled by need. And need isn't something I have yet. There is no need for me to attach myself to anyone. So many lessons I have learned.
Sure I can submit to some things but to give my independence over to a man who sees me not as an equal but a peasant, no. I lived that long enough to not be pushed into that ever again.
Once, long ago, I stood at a door, knocking, unsure if it was unlocked or not. I waited and waited but no one answered. I understood then that I wasn't the one that was to be allowed to enter. It was something I did not fret over. I accepted that I wasn't the person.
So I had to look elsewhere. A different path. A different place to stand. Not caring whether I was seen or not. I am not begging to be overrun but I demand that I am real.
Though it matters not now. It was long ago.
The greatest stories ever hoped for by a child, just fables.
Time heals. We don't forget but we heal. We get up and keep going. Else when we stop, pray for a swift, peaceful death. That is how I have looked at life. Light is everywhere. Just search.
I still hope. I still dream.
But not of anyone in particular anymore.
Perhaps all in all it was a grand story for a child.
Yet the woman within me still can dream. I still hope for many pieces of that to happen but not holding my breath. And by far not waiting for someone to drop into my lap. Just not who I am. I believe that hard work, communication and laughter helps keep a relationship together. I understand that to the depth of me. And to say only love is the reason, no I can't say that.
I don't feel too desperate nor lonely to be in a constant search for someone. I have grown accustomed to being myself, alone. Sure there are times where I want to reach out and say something to someone but alas I recall I don't have a privilege anymore.
Sure it sounds as though I put salt in the wound inside myself. Making me a bitter person, I am not. I am not shallow in the understanding that it takes a woman between five and ten years to recoup from a relationship. For men it takes three to five years. I have seen both types jump right into a relationship forgoing the opportunity of seeing who they are without someone. In those moments I feel extreme pity on them.
It is okay to start to want to someone after a while, yet after you have formed this sort of independence within yourself the mechanism of want is overruled by need. And need isn't something I have yet. There is no need for me to attach myself to anyone. So many lessons I have learned.
Sure I can submit to some things but to give my independence over to a man who sees me not as an equal but a peasant, no. I lived that long enough to not be pushed into that ever again.
Once, long ago, I stood at a door, knocking, unsure if it was unlocked or not. I waited and waited but no one answered. I understood then that I wasn't the one that was to be allowed to enter. It was something I did not fret over. I accepted that I wasn't the person.
So I had to look elsewhere. A different path. A different place to stand. Not caring whether I was seen or not. I am not begging to be overrun but I demand that I am real.
Though it matters not now. It was long ago.
The greatest stories ever hoped for by a child, just fables.
Time heals. We don't forget but we heal. We get up and keep going. Else when we stop, pray for a swift, peaceful death. That is how I have looked at life. Light is everywhere. Just search.
I still hope. I still dream.
But not of anyone in particular anymore.
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