Just protecting
I have seen myself get pounded by so many things in life that in normal circumstances many would scream or beg to be put in another situation than that I have experienced. Yet each person has a different tolerance of things.
So for my to say that I understand, it is either I feel the emotions from you or I actually have experienced something similar or the exact same. Sadly most times people don't realize what I have been through in my lifetime because I remain private about my life, my memories.
Yet there were some that tried to get to know me but more often than not they were scared off by the layers they didn't get to see, and would come out when I was in melt down stage or exhaustion. Being who I am must be difficult for some people. I know that I have done lots of things that people are appalled by but that doesn't stop me from living.
I have learned as I am getting older that if I only have one good friend in a bunch of people that is just fine. Granted I miss a few others from my past I can't do anything about it now. Past is past now. Fully.
Even as the moments where even I cringe from my experiences, I even hide them deep within me. Tragic events that I strive to erase or bury. And with me I have several. Yet that doesn't help me in any way. Just makes me more of a recluse than before. Yet I am not scared off by that. I know I would love to have a companion. Though I know I can be on my own without someone too. I have learned much in these last few months.
Coming to realize I am so far different than others that it is rather scary just how much I can be by myself. Not to say that I am anti social. No. I know I need to be around people. I need to be able to help people. That is who I am.
Yet I do need silence too. Not the silence from falling asleep but the quiet time that most people forgo to be with people.
Though I know that is not for everyone. Some just can't handle silence and can't deal with life without someone within their lives every day. I get that. I have known enough that some people rely on that interaction with others to help them just breathe. Me on the other hand, no. I need quiet more times than not.
And here I am on day 3 without wearing my hearing aids all because my ears are swollen. It will be hard to put them back in. Yet I know that is part of my life. I have to accept the loud noises.
Hmm. Everything that I experience in silence and in noisy rooms is my experience. If we have similarities in life or can connect with others, that is grand. That is by far a genuine kindness. Though it seems that I relate less and less. Not withdrawing, just protecting.
So for my to say that I understand, it is either I feel the emotions from you or I actually have experienced something similar or the exact same. Sadly most times people don't realize what I have been through in my lifetime because I remain private about my life, my memories.
Yet there were some that tried to get to know me but more often than not they were scared off by the layers they didn't get to see, and would come out when I was in melt down stage or exhaustion. Being who I am must be difficult for some people. I know that I have done lots of things that people are appalled by but that doesn't stop me from living.
I have learned as I am getting older that if I only have one good friend in a bunch of people that is just fine. Granted I miss a few others from my past I can't do anything about it now. Past is past now. Fully.
Even as the moments where even I cringe from my experiences, I even hide them deep within me. Tragic events that I strive to erase or bury. And with me I have several. Yet that doesn't help me in any way. Just makes me more of a recluse than before. Yet I am not scared off by that. I know I would love to have a companion. Though I know I can be on my own without someone too. I have learned much in these last few months.
Coming to realize I am so far different than others that it is rather scary just how much I can be by myself. Not to say that I am anti social. No. I know I need to be around people. I need to be able to help people. That is who I am.
Yet I do need silence too. Not the silence from falling asleep but the quiet time that most people forgo to be with people.
Though I know that is not for everyone. Some just can't handle silence and can't deal with life without someone within their lives every day. I get that. I have known enough that some people rely on that interaction with others to help them just breathe. Me on the other hand, no. I need quiet more times than not.
And here I am on day 3 without wearing my hearing aids all because my ears are swollen. It will be hard to put them back in. Yet I know that is part of my life. I have to accept the loud noises.
Hmm. Everything that I experience in silence and in noisy rooms is my experience. If we have similarities in life or can connect with others, that is grand. That is by far a genuine kindness. Though it seems that I relate less and less. Not withdrawing, just protecting.
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