Striking lessons
I stayed awake long enough to see if one strike would open in my favor. Yet I know I was foolish in hoping so. I really had thought that maybe, just once, things would fall the way I hoped. Yet I don't dare try to reach out for something that God is telling me no to.
I have learned that the lessons there are slicing. They dig deep and cut you so finely that you don't even realize you are bleeding out, until too late. Those are the moments I don't ever want to experience again.
I have come to realize that life is funny in the actions that are taken and choices given. The care to walk the correct ways and yet we find ourselves still tracing back to the older steps. Even more so are the times when we have applied the directions we needed and still fell short of the tall orders.
That is why I feel such pain for those who are still playing a game with people. I don't get the need to constantly be attacking yourselves while you are trying to find a person to cling too. Perhaps I choose not to understand their ways, only for the fact of them being harmful to both me and them.
Surely that sounds quite egotistical. Though the safety barrier that I have built is growing tall. I am slowly dissecting the ways of my life in no comparison to another. My life, my choices, my experiences may be similar but we are all different. That is the quest I am always on. Searching and seeking what can be real and is true.
Perhaps many will say I lied. I have done so to keep my world protected. I didn't cater to others which makes me insensitive to their emotions. Yet I have seen right through them. Their light isn't bright. I can't help it if they are people I would rather not be near.
For not the sake of hatred do I stand clear of them. I am here because I have cared too much. I have carried too much of their emotions inside of me. I have seen their darkness. I have felt it shred me to pieces. And those who dare stand next to me and say I am heartless has no clue the depth I swam to get back to the surface of the ocean.
Yet who would they believe? The truth or the victims? Never really the one people believed anyhow. I always got the extra questioning on detailed runs. I always got the severity or even took it so others didn't have to be weighed down. Yet no one dared to open their mouths in my defense. I am used to that. That small bit of loss.
The walls I build is to cover me so this doesn't happen again. The extreme nasty questions don't slaughter me as I try to help someone new. This is just how my life is. One rescue after another. No want or need of glory because that isn't mine to take.
I just know that as much as I have experienced in my lifetime, I wouldn't beg my worst friend to listen in. For I understand that the fly on the wall has the juiciest gossip but never really understands the real parts of a person. They can only make sly suggestions that insinuate the wrong ideas.
Its that sadness that held me today. I lifted my head as the poundings began. I allowed so many people to make their own assumptions about me. No I didn't even dare to correct them because their judgement over me was already decided. All for the sake of not wanting to listen.
So now the waves of the evening harshest thoughts have gone to mush. Weighing in on the counter defense of protection and life. So many strikes in life that would put me in the ground by now. Yet as my family says I have grit.
And now I just wait. Assess what I can and keep going. Listening and being patient as God as commanded. Now I let go and carry forward without the disgust of other people's emotions inside of me. Knocked down all of the fake people and out with myself. My life is beginning again, just as my dream revealed.
Each real step shown in some repressed memory. A good piece of joy is rooting for me. I can't say that I will be doing so for anyone else for a while but that is just fine. My help is needed here within me. So if you want to be my friend you have to see I am first.
I have learned that the lessons there are slicing. They dig deep and cut you so finely that you don't even realize you are bleeding out, until too late. Those are the moments I don't ever want to experience again.
I have come to realize that life is funny in the actions that are taken and choices given. The care to walk the correct ways and yet we find ourselves still tracing back to the older steps. Even more so are the times when we have applied the directions we needed and still fell short of the tall orders.
That is why I feel such pain for those who are still playing a game with people. I don't get the need to constantly be attacking yourselves while you are trying to find a person to cling too. Perhaps I choose not to understand their ways, only for the fact of them being harmful to both me and them.
Surely that sounds quite egotistical. Though the safety barrier that I have built is growing tall. I am slowly dissecting the ways of my life in no comparison to another. My life, my choices, my experiences may be similar but we are all different. That is the quest I am always on. Searching and seeking what can be real and is true.
Perhaps many will say I lied. I have done so to keep my world protected. I didn't cater to others which makes me insensitive to their emotions. Yet I have seen right through them. Their light isn't bright. I can't help it if they are people I would rather not be near.
For not the sake of hatred do I stand clear of them. I am here because I have cared too much. I have carried too much of their emotions inside of me. I have seen their darkness. I have felt it shred me to pieces. And those who dare stand next to me and say I am heartless has no clue the depth I swam to get back to the surface of the ocean.
Yet who would they believe? The truth or the victims? Never really the one people believed anyhow. I always got the extra questioning on detailed runs. I always got the severity or even took it so others didn't have to be weighed down. Yet no one dared to open their mouths in my defense. I am used to that. That small bit of loss.
The walls I build is to cover me so this doesn't happen again. The extreme nasty questions don't slaughter me as I try to help someone new. This is just how my life is. One rescue after another. No want or need of glory because that isn't mine to take.
I just know that as much as I have experienced in my lifetime, I wouldn't beg my worst friend to listen in. For I understand that the fly on the wall has the juiciest gossip but never really understands the real parts of a person. They can only make sly suggestions that insinuate the wrong ideas.
Its that sadness that held me today. I lifted my head as the poundings began. I allowed so many people to make their own assumptions about me. No I didn't even dare to correct them because their judgement over me was already decided. All for the sake of not wanting to listen.
So now the waves of the evening harshest thoughts have gone to mush. Weighing in on the counter defense of protection and life. So many strikes in life that would put me in the ground by now. Yet as my family says I have grit.
And now I just wait. Assess what I can and keep going. Listening and being patient as God as commanded. Now I let go and carry forward without the disgust of other people's emotions inside of me. Knocked down all of the fake people and out with myself. My life is beginning again, just as my dream revealed.
Each real step shown in some repressed memory. A good piece of joy is rooting for me. I can't say that I will be doing so for anyone else for a while but that is just fine. My help is needed here within me. So if you want to be my friend you have to see I am first.
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