Reaching inside of me
These moments when I sit here and think over my many stumbling blocks I reach back into my mind. I look to find the light that was just glistening droplets of water in the biggest darkness.
Finally seeing just how much I was gone inside makes me wonder why I allowed it for so long. And yet had I stopped at any point would I be a different person now. Well yes but I understand the degree of necessity in learning what I did.
I finally learned what it was like to love someone with every fiber of my being, feeling amazing about it and then feeling the horrific downfall. Knowing I was just a fool.
And I ask myself over and over again, had I changed when I should have, where would I be? Yet even the changing parts left me still standing at the doorway I am at currently. Just a few years late.
Though I laugh and cry over this I have still found joy.
Today I have done a lot of ups and downs. Recalling good and bad memories that span a long time. Even with the worst of it all I still smile. Only because I gained so much knowledge of life.
How can that be wrong?
Sure my choices and my actions were horrible but I gained the life lessons so when approached again I know what to do. It's the kindness Jehovah gives. He protects his people from people like me.
Although he even searches for those exactly, or worse than me. Somewhere he see this heart of gold, even if it is gold dust. Still it shines bright. And he finds us. This is the love he displays.
Though not sure what he saw in me but I once was his child. Now I am just me, waiting.
That sounds depressing but it isn't because if you knew how many times Jehovah found me you would be surprised in how I listened to him, through who.
Floored but grateful. That is me speaking as a friend. And though that friendship is gone, I too am still grateful.
Once, if not more, a day laugh at the sense of humor Jehovah has. I am still have much gratitude from even the worst times. I say my thanks to Jehovah for having you help me knock myself down. I am.
Perhaps that is what makes me odd to some people. To be grateful for the fall, to wipe the dust from my backside and get back up. I always thought it was better to personally experience things than to be left with someone else's emotions. At least from mine I can gain what the worst case scenario became. What the outcome eventually leads to. I am confident in Jehovah's power.
So to say today, Jehovah has given me more insight into my brain - The thoughts and memories. I give thanks to that.
Sure a bit of darkness in the lighted days but that balances things in my life better. Sure I miss talking to you but I won't ask for you to read nor respond. I know life is bringing you ups and downs - lots and lots of drama. Yet you know you are driven by that.
I am not sad you didn't pick me. I understand we would have killed each other, but friendship would have been nice to be genuinely clinging too.
Yet. I still don't ever fit your style of a friend. I was too crazy, too emotional and became too distant. I just got to the point of understanding I waz just that early morning conversation when all the rest of your friends slept.
Yet not disappointed. Just for once wanted to be the one of something different.
That I am now. Just a writer you read. Just a memory you can't wipe clean. I am content with that. I have to be.
So snuggle away and drink coffee in the we bits of the morn but I hope you don't think of me in those moments. If you do I hope the accident of my name slips your lips. Suiting.
Hmm. Indeed it is. For thoughts and memories are stronger and more potent when you miss someone you don't want to admit to.
Finally seeing just how much I was gone inside makes me wonder why I allowed it for so long. And yet had I stopped at any point would I be a different person now. Well yes but I understand the degree of necessity in learning what I did.
I finally learned what it was like to love someone with every fiber of my being, feeling amazing about it and then feeling the horrific downfall. Knowing I was just a fool.
And I ask myself over and over again, had I changed when I should have, where would I be? Yet even the changing parts left me still standing at the doorway I am at currently. Just a few years late.
Though I laugh and cry over this I have still found joy.
Today I have done a lot of ups and downs. Recalling good and bad memories that span a long time. Even with the worst of it all I still smile. Only because I gained so much knowledge of life.
How can that be wrong?
Sure my choices and my actions were horrible but I gained the life lessons so when approached again I know what to do. It's the kindness Jehovah gives. He protects his people from people like me.
Although he even searches for those exactly, or worse than me. Somewhere he see this heart of gold, even if it is gold dust. Still it shines bright. And he finds us. This is the love he displays.
Though not sure what he saw in me but I once was his child. Now I am just me, waiting.
That sounds depressing but it isn't because if you knew how many times Jehovah found me you would be surprised in how I listened to him, through who.
Floored but grateful. That is me speaking as a friend. And though that friendship is gone, I too am still grateful.
Once, if not more, a day laugh at the sense of humor Jehovah has. I am still have much gratitude from even the worst times. I say my thanks to Jehovah for having you help me knock myself down. I am.
Perhaps that is what makes me odd to some people. To be grateful for the fall, to wipe the dust from my backside and get back up. I always thought it was better to personally experience things than to be left with someone else's emotions. At least from mine I can gain what the worst case scenario became. What the outcome eventually leads to. I am confident in Jehovah's power.
So to say today, Jehovah has given me more insight into my brain - The thoughts and memories. I give thanks to that.
Sure a bit of darkness in the lighted days but that balances things in my life better. Sure I miss talking to you but I won't ask for you to read nor respond. I know life is bringing you ups and downs - lots and lots of drama. Yet you know you are driven by that.
I am not sad you didn't pick me. I understand we would have killed each other, but friendship would have been nice to be genuinely clinging too.
Yet. I still don't ever fit your style of a friend. I was too crazy, too emotional and became too distant. I just got to the point of understanding I waz just that early morning conversation when all the rest of your friends slept.
Yet not disappointed. Just for once wanted to be the one of something different.
That I am now. Just a writer you read. Just a memory you can't wipe clean. I am content with that. I have to be.
So snuggle away and drink coffee in the we bits of the morn but I hope you don't think of me in those moments. If you do I hope the accident of my name slips your lips. Suiting.
Hmm. Indeed it is. For thoughts and memories are stronger and more potent when you miss someone you don't want to admit to.
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