Tinder balance
I sit here thinking over all that tears me in the past few years. Those one time moments that I wanted so badly to go a different route and yet they went sour. Not because I am down by anything just the sorting of the mind so the noises of throbbing pain can disperse.
These quakes that hold me paralyzed just momentarily. The times where I was off by some sort of measure that was to someone else's norm. And only to stay focused now on the idea of slowly dissecting anything that would cause such harm. Yet in truth of it all I know I was partially to blame for the results.
Even in the times of what fell between the cracks of time, I still understood my place in the situation. It is kind of funny how that all fits into the grand scheme of life. The big picture that some don't know nor want to see.
I no longer hide myself from the reality of such incidents. I find myself reaching for some sort of recognition but not in that of some worldly sense. I only want to be seen by myself. To understand the depth that is really me. And yet there is so many levels, which one to dive into is the key, I suppose.
Though the twisting inside my ear and jawbone I still manage to clinch my teeth. Grinding my enamel to shards. All for the sake of dissolving any kind of mercy within myself. Sound self harming but I am not. If I were to do that I would be just letting myself go completely.
Only in doing that, Satan and all those against me win. I don't think that should be allowed. Even in those days I am heavy with stones and bricks weighing my limbs down I still know I can defeat them all with hope and faith.
As crazy as that sounds that is my balance. Faith.
Yet most people have no clue about me. Not because I am cold or snobbish. By far the least of that. It is more from the understanding the wisdom in the whole picture of life and just being very private about that. No need for someone to laugh at me.
I have experienced that depth before. The cackling that echoes not just in empty houses but in mind and mirrors. No need of the snide remarks of made out to be shy or simple because the brain thinks too much to place words in a speech. Oh no. That kind of involuntary punishment is best left for those who truly need the lesson to improve. I have had my fair share.
And at these seconds tonight, this morning, I find the slow fall back into picking out louder boxes and crushing them. Indeed to try to put an image inside someone's mind of how that works out, truly trivial and somewhat mundane. Bleak in the expressions spoken.
So in that mode I generally just remain quiet. Just watching and inhaling the emotions of others as I should. Starving myself of their truths just so I can rest easily. As crazy as that sound the more sane it feels.
Right now the pinging noises shatter my eardrum as the tightening of the jaw eases the tension in my temples. A domino effect, I suppose. And to that driven image I play on the lights and sounds drowning out as the pulsing circles my head and draws a line down my neck and spine. Indeed the tears from earlier have found their home.
Dried but painful. Was it worth it? Yes. For I was able to a release even though I am pretty sure I wiped away a whole line of forgiveness. Yet I have to take that in stride. Just has to be that. Reaching out was the necessity in the situation. As much as it hurt me to be vulnerable and broken I could not lie.
In doing so I displayed this marvelous courage that I never thought I could have again. Remarkable. Yet in all that was given still stains are made. Untouchable ones but they are left there for a reason. That being the lesson I was to grasp. The choices I made.
And now, where do I stand?
A little less sure. A little less confident. A little less strong. A lot less boastful. A lot more of leaning. Kind of broken but placing new, remodeled pieces into place. I can't for the complete me anymore but I can get real close. Is that okay by me? It has to be. For the life I am in right now is a cautious one. A more precise one. A bit more planned and categorized.
There is nothing wrong in being open about the fragility. In fact it just enhances that I am so far from perfection. So, so far. But that doesn't have to be what draws the line for me. I can still look for the "brighter side" of things. Even more so is turning the off into outstanding. Yet now it is just take a little more time for me.
Slowing way down so I can learn to really inhale. Finding the right mechanism for me to act within. This is what is thundering through my mind. So far it has taken from three images to twenty minutes to describe them. Indeed the training of a certain focus. In saying that I even laugh. For the knowledge in that statement is way undervalued.
In truth I just want to remember to take steps to keep me going until Jehovah says stop. When that day comes I will just be very grateful of the time I was allowed. How long? I really don't know. I am not a fortune teller or magician. In that I don't expand on them either. No need when Jehovah is in control.
I smile with this gracious news. Tying up the loose ends of silence and pain. Settling for a night of rest. I hope tomorrow Jehovah gives me the gift of waking once more. In that I say good night.
Hug those who really, deeply move you to do something powerful. Especially those you don't talk to at all. You would be surprised just how much that one or two words spoken or an act is received. Indeed. For me, I hug myself and the memories. Then close the light to darkness inside my room. Finding that relaxing peace and smile with the joy of a trial today.
These quakes that hold me paralyzed just momentarily. The times where I was off by some sort of measure that was to someone else's norm. And only to stay focused now on the idea of slowly dissecting anything that would cause such harm. Yet in truth of it all I know I was partially to blame for the results.
Even in the times of what fell between the cracks of time, I still understood my place in the situation. It is kind of funny how that all fits into the grand scheme of life. The big picture that some don't know nor want to see.
I no longer hide myself from the reality of such incidents. I find myself reaching for some sort of recognition but not in that of some worldly sense. I only want to be seen by myself. To understand the depth that is really me. And yet there is so many levels, which one to dive into is the key, I suppose.
Though the twisting inside my ear and jawbone I still manage to clinch my teeth. Grinding my enamel to shards. All for the sake of dissolving any kind of mercy within myself. Sound self harming but I am not. If I were to do that I would be just letting myself go completely.
Only in doing that, Satan and all those against me win. I don't think that should be allowed. Even in those days I am heavy with stones and bricks weighing my limbs down I still know I can defeat them all with hope and faith.
As crazy as that sounds that is my balance. Faith.
Yet most people have no clue about me. Not because I am cold or snobbish. By far the least of that. It is more from the understanding the wisdom in the whole picture of life and just being very private about that. No need for someone to laugh at me.
I have experienced that depth before. The cackling that echoes not just in empty houses but in mind and mirrors. No need of the snide remarks of made out to be shy or simple because the brain thinks too much to place words in a speech. Oh no. That kind of involuntary punishment is best left for those who truly need the lesson to improve. I have had my fair share.
And at these seconds tonight, this morning, I find the slow fall back into picking out louder boxes and crushing them. Indeed to try to put an image inside someone's mind of how that works out, truly trivial and somewhat mundane. Bleak in the expressions spoken.
So in that mode I generally just remain quiet. Just watching and inhaling the emotions of others as I should. Starving myself of their truths just so I can rest easily. As crazy as that sound the more sane it feels.
Right now the pinging noises shatter my eardrum as the tightening of the jaw eases the tension in my temples. A domino effect, I suppose. And to that driven image I play on the lights and sounds drowning out as the pulsing circles my head and draws a line down my neck and spine. Indeed the tears from earlier have found their home.
Dried but painful. Was it worth it? Yes. For I was able to a release even though I am pretty sure I wiped away a whole line of forgiveness. Yet I have to take that in stride. Just has to be that. Reaching out was the necessity in the situation. As much as it hurt me to be vulnerable and broken I could not lie.
In doing so I displayed this marvelous courage that I never thought I could have again. Remarkable. Yet in all that was given still stains are made. Untouchable ones but they are left there for a reason. That being the lesson I was to grasp. The choices I made.
And now, where do I stand?
A little less sure. A little less confident. A little less strong. A lot less boastful. A lot more of leaning. Kind of broken but placing new, remodeled pieces into place. I can't for the complete me anymore but I can get real close. Is that okay by me? It has to be. For the life I am in right now is a cautious one. A more precise one. A bit more planned and categorized.
There is nothing wrong in being open about the fragility. In fact it just enhances that I am so far from perfection. So, so far. But that doesn't have to be what draws the line for me. I can still look for the "brighter side" of things. Even more so is turning the off into outstanding. Yet now it is just take a little more time for me.
Slowing way down so I can learn to really inhale. Finding the right mechanism for me to act within. This is what is thundering through my mind. So far it has taken from three images to twenty minutes to describe them. Indeed the training of a certain focus. In saying that I even laugh. For the knowledge in that statement is way undervalued.
In truth I just want to remember to take steps to keep me going until Jehovah says stop. When that day comes I will just be very grateful of the time I was allowed. How long? I really don't know. I am not a fortune teller or magician. In that I don't expand on them either. No need when Jehovah is in control.
I smile with this gracious news. Tying up the loose ends of silence and pain. Settling for a night of rest. I hope tomorrow Jehovah gives me the gift of waking once more. In that I say good night.
Hug those who really, deeply move you to do something powerful. Especially those you don't talk to at all. You would be surprised just how much that one or two words spoken or an act is received. Indeed. For me, I hug myself and the memories. Then close the light to darkness inside my room. Finding that relaxing peace and smile with the joy of a trial today.
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