I should have listened
A long night ahead. I should have taken the precautions and noted the extra levels of energy. Sometimes I forget about my autoimmunity and feel like super woman again. A "normal"person.
Then this hits. A fever, wheezing, vomiting and chills. No sleep on top of that.
All I can do now is sit up, lean over and inhale the Vicks vapor rub in hopes that my nerves will settle. Even that of the gasping for air. This is so crazy.
I close my eyes long enough to see the black and white snow that comes on an old RCA television. Truly life right now is anything BUT black and white. There is so much gray that even the closest to charcoal gray or even muddy white seems good. Yet right now, not trying to dwell on the negative.
I am trying to calm the mind and stomach long enough to fall deeply into a tunnel of racing trains. Sleep will come when all is relaxed. A hope of just three hours of slumber sounds delightful.
In honesty a very deep desire.
Here I am massaging temples, scalp and neck including collarbone. All in the hopes that some thing knocks me out.
Truly a want in severity. I laugh at that statement as I deeply inhale the aroma of oils.
Just one moment to lean my head into my palm. The sigh that erupts from the ragged lungs. A single tear sheds only because I need to release this frustration.
The ache and pull of my muscles beneath my rib cage just seems to overflow in sensory flashing. Not fair is what I scream in my head. Just had a grand relaxing day and then this crud.
Too late to back out now. I made a promise and I must keep it. Whether I give 30 or 50 tomorrow at least I am there to give some portion of me.
And knowing I need some amount of sleep to pull through, even on fumes, I lay my head to my pillow and pray.
In the silence of my room I hear the raspy inhaled and just shiver. Focusing on the good in all of this, this is all temporary. This is something I can handle because if I could not, Jehovah would not allow it.
And with that the muscles in my shoulder blades gain their own kind of screaming as the spine and all kinds of muscles pull. Just for that deep inhale.
Right now I just wanna know why!
And when I lean back down to breathe in again the sweet aroma of Vicks I am grateful to be alive. I may be hurting and not able to explain the levels of annoyance this all is but I can describe the way the nerves, the skin, the muscles all react with such a limited amount of air.
At this point I just take another moment to close my eyes. Just that minute or two to further separate pain from soul. Mind over matter.
So much of my training as a child. Distance yourself from the pains and dissect places you can endure it. Then place the mind into motion, triggering the nerves to react as though, say knee verses thigh, pain throbs. Places I can see and disengage ideas of scalding lava inside my veins.
Truly a talent or trained skill I acquired.
With that there are a few rare places I cannot relocate nor slice off the nerve to nullify it. Yet hundreds of pieces of me can be bland. Blunt and swiped away.
Interesting the things you teach yourself as growing up. Those things that eliminate all hurt and disgusting parts of your life.
In truth this does seem to help 70% of the time. At this moment the nerves are tingling in areas of necessity. So the breath becomes very shallow. My mind races to release toxins from my outer shell. Soon enough I can attempt to repeat the laying upright against seven pillows in hopes of sleep.
A challenge I welcome.
Yet it hurts worse as I race to the restroom for dry heaving now. Not pretty but tolerable. Clean face and smooth down hair. Tossed mess I am but I am real and alive.
Proven by a racing heart of 110. Proven I need to calm every part of me. No rush of any attack. Please by far no want of more pills.
Once more a mad dash. Welcomed is the cool tiles and cold feet. All is bliss even in this crazy night. Still I am breathing and in all its oddity I am still with lots of laughter and joy.
I try, though, not to laugh too much. For the wheezing enhances. So pardon the weird smile and that 80s designed hairstyle. I am just trying to shut parts of me down so a recoup and restoration is possible. Even if only for those short hours.
Maintaining my sense of humor I think about the comedy in these fits and just how much I am capable of swimming under the water. Four minutes before coming to surface if not longer.
If that isn't a comedy or errieness I don't know what is. The sense of humor.
In this time right now, the eyes begin to droop. The coughing and wheezy me has slowed way down. It is nice. A moment of peace.
Truly a joyful moment. So smile with me as the lungs beg for air and the hearty laughter begs for room to grow. And me, I lay back in hopes everything is over.
Until tomorrow evening when I can rest more. Gaining health where it is necessary. Maintaining that promise I made. Holding true to my performance and loving the challenges I have achieved.
Moments now. Soon I attempt and stick to the routine. Long enough to dig and hope. Pray and lean.
That is me now. Chills, fever and slow breathing. A hope to make it, even if it is on fumes.
Time to sleep or try. Wheezing be as it is. Laying my hopes with Jehovah and leaning on him to make me press forward.
Positive as the eyes of slate flicker closed. Defined black and white picture stands before me. Only startling me is the deep emeralds.
Indeed thank you for the help. Sleep.
Now. Zzzzz.
Then this hits. A fever, wheezing, vomiting and chills. No sleep on top of that.
All I can do now is sit up, lean over and inhale the Vicks vapor rub in hopes that my nerves will settle. Even that of the gasping for air. This is so crazy.
I close my eyes long enough to see the black and white snow that comes on an old RCA television. Truly life right now is anything BUT black and white. There is so much gray that even the closest to charcoal gray or even muddy white seems good. Yet right now, not trying to dwell on the negative.
I am trying to calm the mind and stomach long enough to fall deeply into a tunnel of racing trains. Sleep will come when all is relaxed. A hope of just three hours of slumber sounds delightful.
In honesty a very deep desire.
Here I am massaging temples, scalp and neck including collarbone. All in the hopes that some thing knocks me out.
Truly a want in severity. I laugh at that statement as I deeply inhale the aroma of oils.
Just one moment to lean my head into my palm. The sigh that erupts from the ragged lungs. A single tear sheds only because I need to release this frustration.
The ache and pull of my muscles beneath my rib cage just seems to overflow in sensory flashing. Not fair is what I scream in my head. Just had a grand relaxing day and then this crud.
Too late to back out now. I made a promise and I must keep it. Whether I give 30 or 50 tomorrow at least I am there to give some portion of me.
And knowing I need some amount of sleep to pull through, even on fumes, I lay my head to my pillow and pray.
In the silence of my room I hear the raspy inhaled and just shiver. Focusing on the good in all of this, this is all temporary. This is something I can handle because if I could not, Jehovah would not allow it.
And with that the muscles in my shoulder blades gain their own kind of screaming as the spine and all kinds of muscles pull. Just for that deep inhale.
Right now I just wanna know why!
And when I lean back down to breathe in again the sweet aroma of Vicks I am grateful to be alive. I may be hurting and not able to explain the levels of annoyance this all is but I can describe the way the nerves, the skin, the muscles all react with such a limited amount of air.
At this point I just take another moment to close my eyes. Just that minute or two to further separate pain from soul. Mind over matter.
So much of my training as a child. Distance yourself from the pains and dissect places you can endure it. Then place the mind into motion, triggering the nerves to react as though, say knee verses thigh, pain throbs. Places I can see and disengage ideas of scalding lava inside my veins.
Truly a talent or trained skill I acquired.
With that there are a few rare places I cannot relocate nor slice off the nerve to nullify it. Yet hundreds of pieces of me can be bland. Blunt and swiped away.
Interesting the things you teach yourself as growing up. Those things that eliminate all hurt and disgusting parts of your life.
In truth this does seem to help 70% of the time. At this moment the nerves are tingling in areas of necessity. So the breath becomes very shallow. My mind races to release toxins from my outer shell. Soon enough I can attempt to repeat the laying upright against seven pillows in hopes of sleep.
A challenge I welcome.
Yet it hurts worse as I race to the restroom for dry heaving now. Not pretty but tolerable. Clean face and smooth down hair. Tossed mess I am but I am real and alive.
Proven by a racing heart of 110. Proven I need to calm every part of me. No rush of any attack. Please by far no want of more pills.
Once more a mad dash. Welcomed is the cool tiles and cold feet. All is bliss even in this crazy night. Still I am breathing and in all its oddity I am still with lots of laughter and joy.
I try, though, not to laugh too much. For the wheezing enhances. So pardon the weird smile and that 80s designed hairstyle. I am just trying to shut parts of me down so a recoup and restoration is possible. Even if only for those short hours.
Maintaining my sense of humor I think about the comedy in these fits and just how much I am capable of swimming under the water. Four minutes before coming to surface if not longer.
If that isn't a comedy or errieness I don't know what is. The sense of humor.
In this time right now, the eyes begin to droop. The coughing and wheezy me has slowed way down. It is nice. A moment of peace.
Truly a joyful moment. So smile with me as the lungs beg for air and the hearty laughter begs for room to grow. And me, I lay back in hopes everything is over.
Until tomorrow evening when I can rest more. Gaining health where it is necessary. Maintaining that promise I made. Holding true to my performance and loving the challenges I have achieved.
Moments now. Soon I attempt and stick to the routine. Long enough to dig and hope. Pray and lean.
That is me now. Chills, fever and slow breathing. A hope to make it, even if it is on fumes.
Time to sleep or try. Wheezing be as it is. Laying my hopes with Jehovah and leaning on him to make me press forward.
Positive as the eyes of slate flicker closed. Defined black and white picture stands before me. Only startling me is the deep emeralds.
Indeed thank you for the help. Sleep.
Now. Zzzzz.
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