Glancing over

Looking over the poems the last few days, I have had enough time to soak in all that was bad and overturn it with goodness. Certainly the fact of working it off and forgoing any kind of connection with anyone helped me to just live.

Just breathe.

Today I did no art. I stayed inside, baked, read books and watched movies. So many things to allow me to realize there is such a thing as a blessing in turmoil.  And as I sat here doing all kinds of research I see that there are plenty of methods I can do to be well, as much as I can.

With that I have to be grateful. In no way is it an obligation. I had much fun in my last few years enough to be wary of that type again. To be a grown up that has more weight on their organs verses shoulders. I accept it.

And though I note the more times I am tired I also see the spurts of energy that unload before me. How can I be anything but thankful?

I have put off so much this weekend to really reflex on the changes that will be happening. Even though I don't know the steps I am not afraid.

Sure I have moments where my tears flow out of the ordinary and my soul shakes with sobbing but it is good to have that form of cleansing. Even though the next day a migraine strikes.

A worthy opponent met with sleep and a heating pad. Perhaps the life source of coffee in abundance too. I laugh.

The truth that coffee is a comfort. Black and chewy. The sway to bring my head back to straight. This is a bit of joy. An espresso if you would give one.

Alas what all I have read I see the changes of frustration, a woman unable to contain the weakest, most vulnerable point but I also have noticed my acceptance of what is to follow.

To me that is the positive in the whole weekend. The acceptance.  Giving myself time to adjust. Not quite ready to burst my bubble of protection to let anyone else in. Not ready to let anyone else know of the papers.

Acceptance comes from me first. The goals and plans I once had changed yesterday evening. The one part of me I really can't explore. Just scratch the lists and hope.

Live day to day just as a dream.  And from there learn to grow with what I have.

Life is beyond many things. People strive to prolong all sorts of waves. Yet if it was just modified to the smallest of extremes you would be amazed at how beautiful a single breath could be.

Ah that is the big picture in tiny glimpses.

Would you smile at that wisdom?

Ah the day is quite over for many and mine is still blazing on. Sleep comes little less more often. Yet I am grateful for what I do get. Yet I didn't mean to bring that to this writing. That is another story, another year.

And all I wanted to realize today was that I can do nothing and be okay with it. I can sit in silence without my hearing aid and read captions and facial expressions. Just be myself. No need to contact anyone and no need to feel sorry for connecting once, to some.

That is the peace I had today. Friendships of old taught me many things and grateful and joyful are just a few moments pieces together.

I am allowed to miss. I am allowed to speak of him. I am allowed many things. Once importance was high regard. Yet now I can only imagine. Which is fine. Accepted.

So here have my words. Pray for my soul and enhance the growth of my spirit.  For weariness is crowding me.

Slowness I am but I smile. Holding close to what once was mine even if only in words.