Fire and agitation

As much as the night is supposed to be depth defining I still find the fatigue pulling me into a further agitation. This incapability to erase the pain I am in is just destroying every part of me.

My spiritual food is tonight and I can barely go faster than a sloth. I rested after my short six hours today and woke moments ago. So irritated with the burning, tingling fire on my skin and in my bones.

I can't even fathom how to sit still and listen to anything.  In such a mind blowing event. To the extreme with high fever and insane laughter. There is no way I can be focused.

And I have prayed about it. Thinking I can push myself but Jehovah knows what I have and am struggling with. The mind says push the soul say rest. The heart isn't listening to either part. Just telling me to go with my gut.

So I prayed for guidance  and then I remembered that being healthy is key. All because Jehovah understands. So with that I have to remember while I am trying to come back I also must remember to rest too.

Fighting a high temperature and having such a low immunity causes disastrous events to happen.

Even worse is I am already mad at myself because I wanted to go. But chance of fainting or much worse in the hall isn't something I need. So I have to listen to Jehovah. And as much as I am chiding myself for not being well enough to go, I have to remember there is Sunday too.

Resting, getting better so I can enjoy my spiritual food is prime.

I just can't shake this irritation level. The fire, the lava inside my veins nor the tension on my nerves. So much I cannot rest in my bed for even my soul laying down is a horrid experience.

Standing and sitting just as painful.  Heating pad on shins, ice pack on lower back and just the hope of mind tricks to pull so I can reduce the temperature.

Crazy how immunity and cancers can create havoc in a person's soul. And yet just a few more times we push ourselves to the brink.

Certainly I must listen when my mind finally says settle down. It is the hardest part of realizing my weaknesses. And really resting until whatever I am battling today releases.

But I will wage war within myself more often now but each battle is different. Today it is this.

And now irritation is easing off, not completely though.  Maybe that warm cup of chai will help. Now..

So I gave a glimpse of waking, screaming with the fire. I hope no one else experiences this. Yet if they do please talk.

This is how I cope.

As for my friends who think I like breaking open my bottle of weaknesses and saying what is harming me, no. I would rather you only see a positive part of me, a healthy me.

Yet I cannot today. You have to see the bad parts too. Even in my worst moments as well. I am not a bowl of happiness all the time nor can I remain quiet forever.

Sometimes what hurts me has to be said. It has to be explained. That is as much as I can give you a picture.

And I have given you one, sort of.