Results harder than past

Hard to see, sometimes, the results of how life turns because of decisions you made in your past. Yet how sometimes they can come back at you in your present. Yet how to kick them all aside so you can be a real person again is the harsh parts.

The reality that even with all the therapy in the world and the methods to erase parts of your past things still fly back, hard at you.

Those are the moments I just want to shut down. The hurt of ripping skin, the cutting of depths within to climate those times. Yet sometime there are these weird triggers and you have to fight against them in the life you live now.

Those times where washing your soul to a burning, scalding red still doesn't cleanse the spirit of the disgust you hold for yourself.

I realize this sounds like depression talking but it is not. It is this part of you that regurgitates on occasion only to assault your dreams or even walking senses. How do you break free but to walk and write?

With those events in your life pushed so far back in the mind, every once in the great while they demand you recall so you can relearn the anguish. It's a horrible way to reenter the day. Yet what lesson can we obtain from the moment, the experience? Despite the horrors?

So why did I gain insight today? I have no understanding except to recall we are all imperfect people.  With knowing I was not the child he asked for in all senses of the word. Not wanted, please abort. Too small and so many disabilities.

Though with that constant reminder and the assault to my soul I still stood before him, forgiving him of his actions. I still know not what the reason was but that I could move forward.

The day he passed I never looked back to his family. Not even when his mother and sister stated I wasn't family. Nor did I speak against the woman he was married to, #5 as she spat in my face when I called him a monster.

I held my head up and grieved in my own way, for the innocence gone so long ago. Yet how does this help me today?

I was able to see passed the monster and help me through today. With all that I have found out about me I have learned that if a nasty human monster can't destroy me as a whole why should I drown myself in a misery state over a genetic monster?

So with that I took today as any other one.  One step at a time. With one breath as the next. Holding onto the hope I could make it through without incidents.

Almost.

Yet I stood up and kept going. The surprise of an old sister was a whammy but made me feel so alive. Shaken and vunerable right inside my personal space but I held my ground.

Weakened but firm.

All I can be right now.  And I was. Then I broke. Hysterical crying before I headed off towards home.

Cleared the air. Invited the cool day into my mind and lungs. Defining how the night should be. Quiet. Relaxed. Decisive.

And it did go that way until too many plans were made and I crumbled. Though it was bad I still made joy from it. Cuddled in a ball reading Cicada Summer and enjoying my hot cup of coffee.

For that is the best way to release parts of me. And I sigh right now as the heating pad hits the right areas.

Smiling and being soothed. Another short day tomorrow but lots of work. Time will tell.

Prayers and lessons.

To friends who encourage and strangers who smile, thank you.