Raking
This clear rake over the day seems fine until you get to the grating of my nerves. Finding this one particular moment stretching my agitation a bit too tight for my comfort.
Yet I say nothing except a sigh in the cooling air. Waiting for the burst in January to find me. Soon.
Goodness has to follow the righteous ones. Believe me I am far from that line. As much as I am trying to find my way back the tidbits of people dropping through my store and my Instagram are getting quite up there on the questions.
It brings be back to all those who kept asking when are you getting baptized. I understood their hopes and wants for me to be a sister but the growth within my heart has to be strong. Right now it isn't. Every day it wavers because of the issues I am thrown.
Today just took the cake. I understand that there is no need to feel offended nor invaded but the frequent stops are getting annoying. Yet I just keep working.
Even more so when I just need my time. With all that I have learned in two weeks I am surprised I haven't drowned myself in some sort of misery self indulgent party. Throwing a pity party and dwelling on all that life has ended.
I cannot do that. I have to make every day I have count. EVERY DAY!
And as much as I was jumpy and annoyed by parts of today I had to remember not to go to sleep angry, panicky nor upset. Peace and calm is where my night has to go.
Disappointments have to fade throughout the day. So whether I write, read, take pictures, paint, make jewelry or walk I have to let whatever pieces that affect me dissolve before I can finally say good night.
Probably why so many night sleep gets shorter and shorter. The concerns I have that weigh on me. If only more and more can hear. Yet I don't want to say anything.
I am tired of being drowning in a negative illness. One right after another. Soon the night calls me to stop. Just that quick breath outside demands my mind to straight up and kick out all that plagues me.
No longer do I hope for a romantic entanglement. Ha. I had one for a long time only to be cast away. So hurt can be there. Especially when you tried to win but in the end you still lost.
Yet did I lose? Just myself trying to be something that no one could see anymore.
This is why my search for Jehovah is ongoing. It is a constant alarm that makes me stronger. I don't linger on the pain I won with him. I don't linger on the hurt I found with rejection. I keep going.
I still love him but just as I should a stranger. Everyone deserves love. No one needs hate. I couldn't give that to him if I tried. I don't even hate my father nor my sister.
I just love the memories and the people they will be. A positive sightline.
And now just the agitation ceases and I laugh of the sniffles and tears. Thankful I still feel something for those people that gave me lessons in life.
And I thank them now and forever.
Yet I say nothing except a sigh in the cooling air. Waiting for the burst in January to find me. Soon.
Goodness has to follow the righteous ones. Believe me I am far from that line. As much as I am trying to find my way back the tidbits of people dropping through my store and my Instagram are getting quite up there on the questions.
It brings be back to all those who kept asking when are you getting baptized. I understood their hopes and wants for me to be a sister but the growth within my heart has to be strong. Right now it isn't. Every day it wavers because of the issues I am thrown.
Today just took the cake. I understand that there is no need to feel offended nor invaded but the frequent stops are getting annoying. Yet I just keep working.
Even more so when I just need my time. With all that I have learned in two weeks I am surprised I haven't drowned myself in some sort of misery self indulgent party. Throwing a pity party and dwelling on all that life has ended.
I cannot do that. I have to make every day I have count. EVERY DAY!
And as much as I was jumpy and annoyed by parts of today I had to remember not to go to sleep angry, panicky nor upset. Peace and calm is where my night has to go.
Disappointments have to fade throughout the day. So whether I write, read, take pictures, paint, make jewelry or walk I have to let whatever pieces that affect me dissolve before I can finally say good night.
Probably why so many night sleep gets shorter and shorter. The concerns I have that weigh on me. If only more and more can hear. Yet I don't want to say anything.
I am tired of being drowning in a negative illness. One right after another. Soon the night calls me to stop. Just that quick breath outside demands my mind to straight up and kick out all that plagues me.
No longer do I hope for a romantic entanglement. Ha. I had one for a long time only to be cast away. So hurt can be there. Especially when you tried to win but in the end you still lost.
Yet did I lose? Just myself trying to be something that no one could see anymore.
This is why my search for Jehovah is ongoing. It is a constant alarm that makes me stronger. I don't linger on the pain I won with him. I don't linger on the hurt I found with rejection. I keep going.
I still love him but just as I should a stranger. Everyone deserves love. No one needs hate. I couldn't give that to him if I tried. I don't even hate my father nor my sister.
I just love the memories and the people they will be. A positive sightline.
And now just the agitation ceases and I laugh of the sniffles and tears. Thankful I still feel something for those people that gave me lessons in life.
And I thank them now and forever.
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