One day no longer reserved

    So decorated in olives, embroidered creams,
denim and mulitcolored paisley. Displayed on a sofa
awaiting the news of a person on a phone.

    Prepping for a trek outside in cold for a nice, icy
cold drink. Funny how the little things trigger
memories from long ago.

    Discovering what decision was from person on
phone I sat recalling a memory where my nephew
went "flying" (running) down the hallway in pajama
bottoms and an afghan saying he was SUPER ERIC.
(A.K.A. SPIDERMAN) Lol. He was always cracking me
up.

    Big sighs echo in the tv blaring room. No one
hears, feels but me.

    Now a soft smile applies itself across my face. Ah
my eyes sparkle a radiant royal blue. How
quaint I look.

    The images stick in my head. How wonderfully
happy he was, how my son, too, used to do that.
Running through the hallways and house looking,
playing my superhero.

    So now time has flown by. Going on 3yrs. Life
changes. Ever growing are the days. One day I will
get a chance to explain, to talk to all and be able
to allow all to just fall into the right places.

    So hard to talk about. Still a very sensitive subject.
I try my hardest to keep my personal issues away
from so many people. My hardships are mine, so
I thought. Many people are kind but listening is
what they "should" want to do for me, with me.

    Jehovah takes care of knowing. He sees that I am
in need of a conversation or open ear. So nature
or a car ride is where all is expressed. Explaining
myself to anyone is the hardest thing to do. I did
that twice. I don't want to be destroyed again. Was
so hard to build up again. Letting people in only
to be ripped apart because they had their own
insecurities. Letting mine be torn was easier for them.
Well Jehovah took care of me.

    I have learned it is best to stay quiet for so many
reasons. So if you think I am being rude, quiet or
too stubborn it is just my defensive self. Jehovah
understands why. Some others, too, may know
as well.

    All I can say is don't give up. Keep trying.
Somehow, someday the weight will crush and the
river will come racing down. Be prepared and
please don't turn away because I will want you to
know all of the truth, all of me.

     So here I sit thinking about the peaceful times,
the quiet mornings of past where love was there.
Knowing now that love is everywhere, I am at ease.
No longer scared of the possibilities. No longer in
need of someone else to support me. Just Jehovah.

    Family is grand. Some are cruel, though. Still
we all are imperfect so I let all of it disappear.
Turning their hatred into kindness. Thanking
Jehovah for teaching, still drawing me closer and
closer.

    So now I just hope kindness is on your mind.
Gentle is my breathing. Remembering times when
children were laughing, racing and softly napping.
A small smile spreads across my lips. Breathing
slow and deep.

    I hope you come to understand I am not snobby
nor rude just reserved. I hope you see that I can
cry, that I love unconditionally even from
thousands of miles. I hope you feel compassion
and friendship for me. One day I will bloom. You,
everyone will see. For now it is a rare few that
I open to. Time is what is needed. Jehovah is
healing this child of his, one grain at a time.

           One day I will be complete.