I still breathe. I exist

        To awaken crying at five am is not how I wanted
to awaken. Ah but the shock and disorder in my
memories is what call the tears to be brought raging.

        The alert of arguing with a grown person who
has not a sound mind. The most hateful reminder
that to only a few that I do still exist. Such nastiness
to dredge up.

        Oh how the tears fall. Yes my sister, my nephew
and my brother in law died. Yet one grandchild, the
last still exist but no recognition on either side.
Such hurtfulness when trying to make sense of it
to women of lost minds.

        I did not want to recall such a moment but
that what I did as I awoke. Such a tragedy but I feel
as though I cannot scream passed who they were
to anyone. As though from my sleep I am crawling
from underneath them with no name.

        Still the only thing that keeps me going is
the fact that I still breathe. That Jehovah gives me
my breath every morning. To press back the
meanness of feeble older minds, decaying with
disease. One of the many imperfections of us humans.

        Yes I still live. I still walk. I still run. I still live!
To have some forget my mother bore two girls not one
is a harsh reality in life. Much more so that Jehovah
gives me my strength to be even more steady. To
help me laugh and shine where sorrow and hate
would have been.

      So much has been taught. I love all my family
and those who don't remember I exist, I am sadden
momentarily. For no matter how nasty they become
I will remember we all are imperfection and I should
love them even more.

      So each step I take will draw me closer to
Jehovah because he is the only one that knows I
still am family. No denying I am his. To this, brings
great comfort.

     So for those who think I am cold, reserved or
distant now you can understand a piece of my
strength. So forgive me if, today is not a day I smile.

     I am trying. That is all Jehovah needs to know.
A struggle with who I am. Mary.