Past can make you stroll
I look over photos and laugh at my silliness in childhood. So many times I stood tall and at a stance of defiance. Only for the sake of what was dark and foreboding. How I wanted so many times to just run out of the situations, hide. Yet I stood tall but cowering inside.
It took many months to undo the layers of my past. Even took great courage to open up to my mother the secrets buried for decades within me. I must say I was expecting to be banished from her sight for speaking so badly of Those who could not explain themselves.
Yet I was so lost. And when I finally talked, finally she heard my words, I was able to finally go forward. Leaving the pain behind me. No longer cowering in shame over those who had destroyed parts if my innocence.
And now?
I am just so thankful of the prayers answered. So many forward marching pieces I am in. Sure there are times I recall the what ifs of my childhood and wonder would have I been different. Maybe even weaker. As much as those days do drown me in thoughts there are the positives in these memories. That is that I no longer feel scared or in need to hide.
So many decades I did that. As well as to show people who truly wanted to know me, only shades. I never really trusted anyone or when I did, I did so too fast only to be torn. As though that was my never-ending cycle.
Those moments when you break free, inspiring.
Today I dreamt of three people. Constant changes in my mind, memories stinging my eyes. Truly surprised at the genuine love shown and being held. Treasured in a way I never thought possible.
Yet I don't understand dreams to "read" them as a new sign of sorts. I look at them as grand memories I have, just resurfacing. When I think of all those who have entered and exited I am grateful to have been a piece of them, once.
But with all the drama and trials I have dealt with and currently am enduring I am thankful I am only a concern to my family and God. For as the times pass the memories fade and the laughter and love overcomes all. Truly I say love conquers all. I know this. Not in the sense of pride but only through my experiences and even in those times I am most humble. Grateful to have aspects dropped before me.
Always learning areas I need to improve. Just as I was thinking about what the God's love book pointed out and reminded me of in Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,"(NWT) It made me think of when counsel is given to all, especially to me, where can I apply this in my life? Also am I thankful for the reminder given?
So how does that bring me through my childhood? The thoughts and memories, even emotions, help me realize just how far God went to find me. And that is truly a wonderful piece of news.
So many times in my life I could have died without knowing what God's name is and how majestic his power is. So I am grateful in the avenues he used to find me, show me who he is.
Now as I grow, I hope one day I can be, again, part of his protection. That is my positive in surviving, destroying and hoping.
See I know I destroyed people. I have been the good, the bad and the ugly. Also I have been the innocent, the played, the player and the wicked. I have been loved and hated. I have known darkness as well as light. Through my life I have done things I hated myself for and have done things I am proud of. I have been so dead and buried in life through experiences pressed on me and ones I created that how is it even possible that I saw light? How am I still here?
God. That is the ONLY answer I can give. For I know the things I have experienced, the pain I have thoroughly pushed through and the damaging effects of my actions have projected me into I can only be thankful Jehovah was giving me light to see.
So sure my life isn't over and I am not perfect. I know many places in my life need some very fine definitions and need to be daily accessed to build strength and knowledge. That is my goal. I look as every day as a grateful one to be living in. Yet am I living or just breathing?
Living. Acting on my lessons and growing.
So how are you doing?
Me? Beyond fine. I am loving.
It took many months to undo the layers of my past. Even took great courage to open up to my mother the secrets buried for decades within me. I must say I was expecting to be banished from her sight for speaking so badly of Those who could not explain themselves.
Yet I was so lost. And when I finally talked, finally she heard my words, I was able to finally go forward. Leaving the pain behind me. No longer cowering in shame over those who had destroyed parts if my innocence.
And now?
I am just so thankful of the prayers answered. So many forward marching pieces I am in. Sure there are times I recall the what ifs of my childhood and wonder would have I been different. Maybe even weaker. As much as those days do drown me in thoughts there are the positives in these memories. That is that I no longer feel scared or in need to hide.
So many decades I did that. As well as to show people who truly wanted to know me, only shades. I never really trusted anyone or when I did, I did so too fast only to be torn. As though that was my never-ending cycle.
Those moments when you break free, inspiring.
Today I dreamt of three people. Constant changes in my mind, memories stinging my eyes. Truly surprised at the genuine love shown and being held. Treasured in a way I never thought possible.
Yet I don't understand dreams to "read" them as a new sign of sorts. I look at them as grand memories I have, just resurfacing. When I think of all those who have entered and exited I am grateful to have been a piece of them, once.
But with all the drama and trials I have dealt with and currently am enduring I am thankful I am only a concern to my family and God. For as the times pass the memories fade and the laughter and love overcomes all. Truly I say love conquers all. I know this. Not in the sense of pride but only through my experiences and even in those times I am most humble. Grateful to have aspects dropped before me.
Always learning areas I need to improve. Just as I was thinking about what the God's love book pointed out and reminded me of in Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,"(NWT) It made me think of when counsel is given to all, especially to me, where can I apply this in my life? Also am I thankful for the reminder given?
So how does that bring me through my childhood? The thoughts and memories, even emotions, help me realize just how far God went to find me. And that is truly a wonderful piece of news.
So many times in my life I could have died without knowing what God's name is and how majestic his power is. So I am grateful in the avenues he used to find me, show me who he is.
Now as I grow, I hope one day I can be, again, part of his protection. That is my positive in surviving, destroying and hoping.
See I know I destroyed people. I have been the good, the bad and the ugly. Also I have been the innocent, the played, the player and the wicked. I have been loved and hated. I have known darkness as well as light. Through my life I have done things I hated myself for and have done things I am proud of. I have been so dead and buried in life through experiences pressed on me and ones I created that how is it even possible that I saw light? How am I still here?
God. That is the ONLY answer I can give. For I know the things I have experienced, the pain I have thoroughly pushed through and the damaging effects of my actions have projected me into I can only be thankful Jehovah was giving me light to see.
So sure my life isn't over and I am not perfect. I know many places in my life need some very fine definitions and need to be daily accessed to build strength and knowledge. That is my goal. I look as every day as a grateful one to be living in. Yet am I living or just breathing?
Living. Acting on my lessons and growing.
So how are you doing?
Me? Beyond fine. I am loving.
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