My hope, my children
To the many times I wanted to write to my kids about their father and I, I decided that they must choose how their relationship went with him. Even more so of me.
See I haven't spoken to my children in almost 3 years. I let them decide what kind of relationship they want with me. For every time I would speak to them I would be accused of hating them and even leaving them because I never wanted kids.
Oh but if they knew just how much animosity is given to me by their father and his parents they would have possibly understood. Yet today marks many changes in my life. My son turns 20 and my daughter turns 13. These are great things in my mind.
Yet I must appear to be the one who neglected them. If they knew how many times I have tried to call and gotten to not call back or try calling this day. It is profound at the actions from a family never saw me as good enough nor ever liked me well enough to be understanding.
Yet even in those moments I still think of how so badly I wanted connection.
Every day I miss my children but I know they have grown to dislike me long ago. I understand that. Especially when it has been said over and over again I never loved them, in fact I never wanted children nor that I was a lovable person.
Far from the truth. Yet I don't ask to paint an image of me now. They will see what they know is true to the reality. If they find that their own choice brings them to my door, I cannot do anything but rejoice and find tears falling.
Until then I am the silent one hoping.
Yet why you ask, don't I pursue things? I have been told things by their father and it is difficult to get through any time. In fact the last time I spoke to their father was last year. Spoken were words that projected his authority. So no I won't give him any more fuel.
I just give notice to my children in photos I have. That is my hope, one day they want to know me. Come see me. And open their arms wide for a hug. I can keep hoping.
My prayer to have them in my life permanently.
One day.
See I haven't spoken to my children in almost 3 years. I let them decide what kind of relationship they want with me. For every time I would speak to them I would be accused of hating them and even leaving them because I never wanted kids.
Oh but if they knew just how much animosity is given to me by their father and his parents they would have possibly understood. Yet today marks many changes in my life. My son turns 20 and my daughter turns 13. These are great things in my mind.
Yet I must appear to be the one who neglected them. If they knew how many times I have tried to call and gotten to not call back or try calling this day. It is profound at the actions from a family never saw me as good enough nor ever liked me well enough to be understanding.
Yet even in those moments I still think of how so badly I wanted connection.
Every day I miss my children but I know they have grown to dislike me long ago. I understand that. Especially when it has been said over and over again I never loved them, in fact I never wanted children nor that I was a lovable person.
Far from the truth. Yet I don't ask to paint an image of me now. They will see what they know is true to the reality. If they find that their own choice brings them to my door, I cannot do anything but rejoice and find tears falling.
Until then I am the silent one hoping.
Yet why you ask, don't I pursue things? I have been told things by their father and it is difficult to get through any time. In fact the last time I spoke to their father was last year. Spoken were words that projected his authority. So no I won't give him any more fuel.
I just give notice to my children in photos I have. That is my hope, one day they want to know me. Come see me. And open their arms wide for a hug. I can keep hoping.
My prayer to have them in my life permanently.
One day.
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