Slowing down
Days upon days run together and soon the opportunity of life slips away. The hellos and goodbyes whip passed the eyes and never even leave the lips. Oh how crazy that sounds but so many of us are doing just that. Forgoing the intimacy of comfort and safety.
But what is the necessity anyhow? Is there really any hope in the slowing down of time? No. The hopes and dreams that you held just yesterday will mean nothing in just a few days, down the road. Indeed the pull of strings or even a cutting of leading ways just seems impossible for so many. The option of backing off of something or someone seems unimaginable. That if we did that, then life would harm us.
Yet we are harming ourselves by pushing too far. Dying too young for what? A thrill or a bigger house? Still the hope of simplicity rings inside of me. I never will know what it is like to live with one hundred dollars in my checking account. Not for the means that I spend it, it is just I have never had that much in my "change" purse to make a splurge purchase.
For me I am not sad by the means I live. I know that for some I look like a pathetic person. Even more so that I am almost forty two and I live with my mother. And expanding on that, the fact that I have no credit cards.
My only debt that I holds over me are those of constant doctor visits I have and a student loan from decades before. Yet I haven't seen a doctor since January. Not out of negligence nor sheer defiance, no. It is that even as I rake my pennies together I pay my dues to my ex, my loans and divide whether I should go to doctor or feed myself.
Least I allow you to imagine I am begging or ignorant of the severity of lack of medicine for my autoimmune disease. Oh I understand the reality that even those who have unlimited credit lines choose too. I am not saying that I am poor or that I have bad money management. I am more in the sense explaining to you I have no way of paying straight out of pocket. No insurance to note. I was not given any this year.
So for my maintaining some sense of dignity among the working world, I strive my hardest to dig myself deep into the projects that settle before me. Yet I am only one person. Yes I know how to multitask but again I repeat I am but one person.
So how do I walk without having my medicines for almost ten months? I am shaken. I am weak. I am tired, exhausted. Yet I still smile. I still maintain a positive outlook. I see my trials as a lesson to keep going forward. So I search.
I keep holding onto the hard work I have done for years. Praying that my endurance will overpower the darkness that surrounds me. And somehow at the end of the year I lay down the hard work I have pressed inside of me, to finally relax a bit. Just a few days a week and finally make good on a visit to a doctor.
Alas the simplicity of my life can only be explained that way. And yet I hold no contest over anyone who is better or worse than me. I only wanted to state my truth.
Exhaling. Saying my hopes and maintaining my level of curiosity. I look forward to the times when I can slow down even more than I am of recent. So that I may enjoy the smaller beauty in life. A smile is seated upon rosy lips, spread over ghastly pale skin. Indeed I keep holding my head up.
Prayer is high. And time is slowing down.
Rest soon to hold me.
But what is the necessity anyhow? Is there really any hope in the slowing down of time? No. The hopes and dreams that you held just yesterday will mean nothing in just a few days, down the road. Indeed the pull of strings or even a cutting of leading ways just seems impossible for so many. The option of backing off of something or someone seems unimaginable. That if we did that, then life would harm us.
Yet we are harming ourselves by pushing too far. Dying too young for what? A thrill or a bigger house? Still the hope of simplicity rings inside of me. I never will know what it is like to live with one hundred dollars in my checking account. Not for the means that I spend it, it is just I have never had that much in my "change" purse to make a splurge purchase.
For me I am not sad by the means I live. I know that for some I look like a pathetic person. Even more so that I am almost forty two and I live with my mother. And expanding on that, the fact that I have no credit cards.
My only debt that I holds over me are those of constant doctor visits I have and a student loan from decades before. Yet I haven't seen a doctor since January. Not out of negligence nor sheer defiance, no. It is that even as I rake my pennies together I pay my dues to my ex, my loans and divide whether I should go to doctor or feed myself.
Least I allow you to imagine I am begging or ignorant of the severity of lack of medicine for my autoimmune disease. Oh I understand the reality that even those who have unlimited credit lines choose too. I am not saying that I am poor or that I have bad money management. I am more in the sense explaining to you I have no way of paying straight out of pocket. No insurance to note. I was not given any this year.
So for my maintaining some sense of dignity among the working world, I strive my hardest to dig myself deep into the projects that settle before me. Yet I am only one person. Yes I know how to multitask but again I repeat I am but one person.
So how do I walk without having my medicines for almost ten months? I am shaken. I am weak. I am tired, exhausted. Yet I still smile. I still maintain a positive outlook. I see my trials as a lesson to keep going forward. So I search.
I keep holding onto the hard work I have done for years. Praying that my endurance will overpower the darkness that surrounds me. And somehow at the end of the year I lay down the hard work I have pressed inside of me, to finally relax a bit. Just a few days a week and finally make good on a visit to a doctor.
Alas the simplicity of my life can only be explained that way. And yet I hold no contest over anyone who is better or worse than me. I only wanted to state my truth.
Exhaling. Saying my hopes and maintaining my level of curiosity. I look forward to the times when I can slow down even more than I am of recent. So that I may enjoy the smaller beauty in life. A smile is seated upon rosy lips, spread over ghastly pale skin. Indeed I keep holding my head up.
Prayer is high. And time is slowing down.
Rest soon to hold me.
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