A dream of beautiful things
I dream in color. Sometimes so vivid I wake up talking to the person in my dream. Even more so I am shaken by the fact that it was just a dream.
Last night I dreamed so loudly that I laughed and felt quite happy beyond words. Yet when I awoke to see that it wasn't real the stomach lurched and the day felt squashed. And I just kept on going. Though the desire to just close my eyes one more time. To recall the small smile that was found there. The one that settled deep within my spirit.
Only to realize that I cannot have that moment. I chided myself and sighed, picking myself back up and going. Straight into work without thoughts.
Yet it was imperative to lay down in words the dream. I realize that it just being a dream, it will remain there. I am fine with that, now.
I arrived at your door wearing jeans and a red tee shirt. Not the usual that I wear to work. Something that screams my comfort level. I say hi and give a quick peck on either cheek. A warming gift of friendship.
Then beg to enter because the chill is raising goosebumps across my arms, under my coat. I smoothly place my feet inside, a uninvited entrance yet, you laugh as a warm invite. Shaking the snow from my coat, I slide it off and hang it up. Then giggling as the wet snowflakes soak into my ginger red tresses.
I walk in and place myself on the sofa. Just right in the center. Come, I motion, come sit down with me. Tell me how have you been doing? I have not seen you in forever, I say. Twirling my fingers through a few locks to calm my nerves.
All I am getting from you is the stare. As though in shock or not quite sure what to say.
Making me nervous to the point of saying goodbye, only to realize I just got here. I am curious over the what ifs and the grand conversations. Is it possible?
I want so badly to break the ice yet I am now just in a staring stage. You get up to do something and I going on in my mind, contemplating whether a good or bad idea. And so I am in process of leaving when you place a glass of wine in front of me. Saying this will heat your blood.
I laugh nervously. Just because I what you say is true. And it sure is cold outside. So of course I take my sips, slowly. For no food has been in my stomach today. Only a lot of rattled nerves.
Cautiously I tread. Asking again how you are just as you are asking same thing. Jinx.
Then as the awkward laughing ends the glow of the evening opens. The comfort of just lost friendships are unraveling. Nothing more. Just the talk of old friends. Its that comfort that I miss. And yet to admit that to you then is raw. I cannot say a word.
Life took us on a roller coaster. A wonderful life adventure. We had lots of laughs as an older set of people would. The night rolled on. Before I even realized it we had drank the whole bottle and into another. Just good times of talking. How life was delightful and painful but no jealousy nor strife withheld us of the comforting shoulder bump or the tap on the leg.
(you see these are those out loud in dreaming moments I had)
And soon enough we are coming to a close. I am getting up from the sofa and lopsided but happy. We were capable of just sitting in each other's company without anything else. Bliss I said. I whispered to myself a reminder. (saying it out loud in my room)
And you caught my hand. It was a nice gesture but I withdrew fast. I did not want that moment. Especially as I was leaving. The lightness of sincerity you gave, I just didn't want to feel it. And you caught on. Apologizing for the caress, which it really was.
I just laughed nervously and asked for my coat. Saying I had a long night ahead of me. It was so good to run into you. A sight for sore eyes, indeed. (even in my reality I was quietly crying)
You helped me place my arms into my sleeves. I felt odd. Even as you lifted the hair from my neck. Feeling your fingers on my nape sent chills. I didn't want to admit you could still have that affect on me, even after all these years. And yet I say nothing.
And you see it.
I grab my keys and lean in for that hug. That one last hug. Kind of hoped it wasn't going to be the last, yet I didn't know what the next moment held. I just had my good times. I was not going to push for anything more than the warmth of your arms before I entered the cold winter night.
(in my sleep I sat straight up. Waking up and feeling incomplete. It took a full forty minutes to fall back to sleep. Repeating the hug part and leading into the next)
The next part is what makes it hard to understand whether dream or reality it was breathtaking.
As I let go of you. Sliding my hands to put into my pockets. Looking for my gloves I had taken off before entering your doorway. You grab my wrists. Latching them behind me and against the door, crushing my body between the hard metal door and you. Not sure what to do, I just breathe and close my eyes. Not sure if those kisses you gave were real or all my imagination. First one you gave was on my forehead. I cried.
Then the next was on my nose. I squirmed when you did that. Then the last was on my left collarbone. I tried to swallow but the uncertainty of the moment let me drown. I was not sure what would happen next but whatever it was, nothing could make me want to hide more than that forehead kiss.
All my dreams of my lifetime was just wanting one on my forehead and it to be that genuine. Gawd how I cried. You didn't understand. Just a simple gesture was enough to make me crash. As I fell to the floor I knocked you down, so not graceful. We laughed. I leaned my head into your chest and I cried more.
Then you pulled my head up for another forehead kiss. Then one on my lips. I tried so hard to pull away. But you were not allowing that. In fact that drove you deeper. Scaring me so bad.
This is how I wake up. So vividly. So scared. So unsure about the rawness and the genuine emotion. What is worse is that I keep dreaming of this. Obviously I am that, a dreamer, a romantic. A lost cause in any case.
So the genuine kiss on the forehead, yeah that would make me weaker than a kiss on the lips. More than a hug and wine. Alas life is kind. Gentle in the way I have to laugh about the romantic appearances in the dream.
To realize the hard emotions of comfort and genuine loyalty. Raw heat. Its real. Or so implied.
I will never know but it is kind to dream of such beautiful things.
Even now I laugh at the aspect of reality in any part of this. Truly a piece to just reread over and over. No opportunity in a snow driven day years down the road. By far nothing will place us in the same town let alone the same street decades down the road. So yes, chalk up a bit of laughter with the romantic in me.
Place your mind at ease. I won't search for you. I won't beg for anything. I won't bother you ever. That is my reality.
This was the dream I have had for several weeks. Time to place it in a box. Say good night Mary.
Last night I dreamed so loudly that I laughed and felt quite happy beyond words. Yet when I awoke to see that it wasn't real the stomach lurched and the day felt squashed. And I just kept on going. Though the desire to just close my eyes one more time. To recall the small smile that was found there. The one that settled deep within my spirit.
Only to realize that I cannot have that moment. I chided myself and sighed, picking myself back up and going. Straight into work without thoughts.
Yet it was imperative to lay down in words the dream. I realize that it just being a dream, it will remain there. I am fine with that, now.
I arrived at your door wearing jeans and a red tee shirt. Not the usual that I wear to work. Something that screams my comfort level. I say hi and give a quick peck on either cheek. A warming gift of friendship.
Then beg to enter because the chill is raising goosebumps across my arms, under my coat. I smoothly place my feet inside, a uninvited entrance yet, you laugh as a warm invite. Shaking the snow from my coat, I slide it off and hang it up. Then giggling as the wet snowflakes soak into my ginger red tresses.
I walk in and place myself on the sofa. Just right in the center. Come, I motion, come sit down with me. Tell me how have you been doing? I have not seen you in forever, I say. Twirling my fingers through a few locks to calm my nerves.
All I am getting from you is the stare. As though in shock or not quite sure what to say.
Making me nervous to the point of saying goodbye, only to realize I just got here. I am curious over the what ifs and the grand conversations. Is it possible?
I want so badly to break the ice yet I am now just in a staring stage. You get up to do something and I going on in my mind, contemplating whether a good or bad idea. And so I am in process of leaving when you place a glass of wine in front of me. Saying this will heat your blood.
I laugh nervously. Just because I what you say is true. And it sure is cold outside. So of course I take my sips, slowly. For no food has been in my stomach today. Only a lot of rattled nerves.
Cautiously I tread. Asking again how you are just as you are asking same thing. Jinx.
Then as the awkward laughing ends the glow of the evening opens. The comfort of just lost friendships are unraveling. Nothing more. Just the talk of old friends. Its that comfort that I miss. And yet to admit that to you then is raw. I cannot say a word.
Life took us on a roller coaster. A wonderful life adventure. We had lots of laughs as an older set of people would. The night rolled on. Before I even realized it we had drank the whole bottle and into another. Just good times of talking. How life was delightful and painful but no jealousy nor strife withheld us of the comforting shoulder bump or the tap on the leg.
(you see these are those out loud in dreaming moments I had)
And soon enough we are coming to a close. I am getting up from the sofa and lopsided but happy. We were capable of just sitting in each other's company without anything else. Bliss I said. I whispered to myself a reminder. (saying it out loud in my room)
And you caught my hand. It was a nice gesture but I withdrew fast. I did not want that moment. Especially as I was leaving. The lightness of sincerity you gave, I just didn't want to feel it. And you caught on. Apologizing for the caress, which it really was.
I just laughed nervously and asked for my coat. Saying I had a long night ahead of me. It was so good to run into you. A sight for sore eyes, indeed. (even in my reality I was quietly crying)
You helped me place my arms into my sleeves. I felt odd. Even as you lifted the hair from my neck. Feeling your fingers on my nape sent chills. I didn't want to admit you could still have that affect on me, even after all these years. And yet I say nothing.
And you see it.
I grab my keys and lean in for that hug. That one last hug. Kind of hoped it wasn't going to be the last, yet I didn't know what the next moment held. I just had my good times. I was not going to push for anything more than the warmth of your arms before I entered the cold winter night.
(in my sleep I sat straight up. Waking up and feeling incomplete. It took a full forty minutes to fall back to sleep. Repeating the hug part and leading into the next)
The next part is what makes it hard to understand whether dream or reality it was breathtaking.
As I let go of you. Sliding my hands to put into my pockets. Looking for my gloves I had taken off before entering your doorway. You grab my wrists. Latching them behind me and against the door, crushing my body between the hard metal door and you. Not sure what to do, I just breathe and close my eyes. Not sure if those kisses you gave were real or all my imagination. First one you gave was on my forehead. I cried.
Then the next was on my nose. I squirmed when you did that. Then the last was on my left collarbone. I tried to swallow but the uncertainty of the moment let me drown. I was not sure what would happen next but whatever it was, nothing could make me want to hide more than that forehead kiss.
All my dreams of my lifetime was just wanting one on my forehead and it to be that genuine. Gawd how I cried. You didn't understand. Just a simple gesture was enough to make me crash. As I fell to the floor I knocked you down, so not graceful. We laughed. I leaned my head into your chest and I cried more.
Then you pulled my head up for another forehead kiss. Then one on my lips. I tried so hard to pull away. But you were not allowing that. In fact that drove you deeper. Scaring me so bad.
This is how I wake up. So vividly. So scared. So unsure about the rawness and the genuine emotion. What is worse is that I keep dreaming of this. Obviously I am that, a dreamer, a romantic. A lost cause in any case.
So the genuine kiss on the forehead, yeah that would make me weaker than a kiss on the lips. More than a hug and wine. Alas life is kind. Gentle in the way I have to laugh about the romantic appearances in the dream.
To realize the hard emotions of comfort and genuine loyalty. Raw heat. Its real. Or so implied.
I will never know but it is kind to dream of such beautiful things.
Even now I laugh at the aspect of reality in any part of this. Truly a piece to just reread over and over. No opportunity in a snow driven day years down the road. By far nothing will place us in the same town let alone the same street decades down the road. So yes, chalk up a bit of laughter with the romantic in me.
Place your mind at ease. I won't search for you. I won't beg for anything. I won't bother you ever. That is my reality.
This was the dream I have had for several weeks. Time to place it in a box. Say good night Mary.
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