Here I am
It took me a whole day to realize that there is no use crying over split milk. You live and learn. I wanted so badly to be a part of a life, mean something to someone but I realize that isn't who I am. I am not going to drown in sorrow over the fact that I wasn't chosen.
I just feel that when I do go back to Jehovah's house that all that I will be doing is going home to someone who really does love me. Sure I know I can't do it right now. There is still hate left in me today. So much anger that follows.
And so much of me just wants to fling myself across the country and never look back. Yet that solves nothing. It only proves that a man won. See that is the heart of me. Not pride but some sort of self preservation. The sacrifice of staying put when every fiber of me itches to get out and away.
Sort of the whole point of changing my outlook once again. Its truly an interesting thought. And worse is that I totally would have jumped back into the Kingdom hall but I realize that I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I would still be placing my pursuit of some odd justice for my broken pieces. How wrong that is to go back to a hall. So I have to explore myself. Not get caught up in the tendrils of those who were important to me once.
I have blocked and deleted so many people just to keep away from one man. To this part of me I only hide. That is the sad bits of me. I am still changing for you. Why do I even bother? I can't keep allowing you to affect me.
Yet here I am.
Soon the night closes, I am in for a long night of no sleep just because my head throbs from all the tears I shed today. I caused my migraine to be worse. It is the pain I must endure. Yet my tears were those words I could not speak.
I still cannot speak them. So I let the stains of dried salt leave a trail down my face. I hope you are happy. Yet I don't care anymore. I lost that feeling when you once again drowned me out.
Yes everything has to be my fault when I say the truth. I understand that will always be the ploy you have. For that I feel regret you never learned that you, too, are the problem. Yet that isn't my problem anymore. It is hers.
I gladly hand all that crap over. Good riddance. Reality bites. It even hurts a sour bitty. Believe me. Tables turn. As though right now my words seem malice and unforgiving the truth of a the turning circle you have, truth rings even deeper.
And I know you understand the meaning.
So when all said and done. My eyes will dry up and my icy cold will open clearly. I will become that stranger you always wanted. So pardon if I bump into you somewhere, the scowl will be deadly.
I will not bite but the dripping of acid will burn. As I walk away laughing.
I just feel that when I do go back to Jehovah's house that all that I will be doing is going home to someone who really does love me. Sure I know I can't do it right now. There is still hate left in me today. So much anger that follows.
And so much of me just wants to fling myself across the country and never look back. Yet that solves nothing. It only proves that a man won. See that is the heart of me. Not pride but some sort of self preservation. The sacrifice of staying put when every fiber of me itches to get out and away.
Sort of the whole point of changing my outlook once again. Its truly an interesting thought. And worse is that I totally would have jumped back into the Kingdom hall but I realize that I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I would still be placing my pursuit of some odd justice for my broken pieces. How wrong that is to go back to a hall. So I have to explore myself. Not get caught up in the tendrils of those who were important to me once.
I have blocked and deleted so many people just to keep away from one man. To this part of me I only hide. That is the sad bits of me. I am still changing for you. Why do I even bother? I can't keep allowing you to affect me.
Yet here I am.
Soon the night closes, I am in for a long night of no sleep just because my head throbs from all the tears I shed today. I caused my migraine to be worse. It is the pain I must endure. Yet my tears were those words I could not speak.
I still cannot speak them. So I let the stains of dried salt leave a trail down my face. I hope you are happy. Yet I don't care anymore. I lost that feeling when you once again drowned me out.
Yes everything has to be my fault when I say the truth. I understand that will always be the ploy you have. For that I feel regret you never learned that you, too, are the problem. Yet that isn't my problem anymore. It is hers.
I gladly hand all that crap over. Good riddance. Reality bites. It even hurts a sour bitty. Believe me. Tables turn. As though right now my words seem malice and unforgiving the truth of a the turning circle you have, truth rings even deeper.
And I know you understand the meaning.
So when all said and done. My eyes will dry up and my icy cold will open clearly. I will become that stranger you always wanted. So pardon if I bump into you somewhere, the scowl will be deadly.
I will not bite but the dripping of acid will burn. As I walk away laughing.
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