Yep, nope

Ever just walk into a room, look around and say "yep, nope" and turn around and walk back out? Me so many days. Every time I do that, was it because I was scared or was there too much drama? Who knows.

Point made is that there are just going to be days in my life where pulling of the covers isn't going to restart the day. Any part of it. Not even going into the room is that crushing feeling going to disappear.

Yet I do go in. I do own up to my part of the bargain and I remain until the pressure of eeriness has me jumping. Then I just gotta go.

Still the point is that I did go in. I did sit in the most uncomfortable set of classifications of me and didn't stir until the point was unbearable. I even allowed myself to push through it a little and stick myself out there.

Even though every fiber of my being was screaming no, no. Yet here I am.

Now I have to go back, try to explain things. Yet what is there to explain when I was being real? What was there the need to clarify for people? The sickness that settles inside of me when the truths I have seen play out.

I lose a lot of people from saying what I know. I lose a lot of good grounds because of what I know. Yet it tears me but I keep going because that is how I know to do.

I don't give my information to many people. I don't need to be dissected like a dead frog. I don't need the judgments of people who never have walked in my shoes let alone know why I have so many scuffs on them. Or even know how far I had to go to get where I am now.

The point is I don't need friends that judge even from within the past knowings. I need people who are going to stay here within my realm to just move along with me. Not settle and keep reminding me that moving or getting out or needing space is going to help me.

I already know that. And that is the "yep, nope" experience I have. I know I need to go. But those steps towards it are hard. Instead of the constant reminders I need to be away, why not just rejoice in the fact I am getting out and doing things local. Or entertain the mind with ideas of places I can go.

The point is that I know I am making progress in my own ways. See I hadn't needed to talk to people every day. I hadn't the need to get involved with people. Yet I know I need people to help me. I know that. And that is why pulling the covers over my head, today, seems ideal.

I know telling people I need them is the worst dependency I have to explain. One of the most difficult things to hope that understanding is there. That I don't need to dive deep into my layers to help them see I need them.

So my point is that if you know I talk to you, then you gotta understand I won't take the steps to talk. You gotta understand that I just don't want to do the eerie uncomfortable settling. Because I did that once before and I got hurt.

So if you know I need you, you are going to have to take steps to come to me. Because I have been pulled and quartered. I am striving to stitch up my pieces to be whole again. So today is the "yep, nope" day. If you want to see how I am doing you are going to have to take the steps because as of right now I am just a little outside the uncomfortable comfortable zone.

I don't know how to get into an area where I am going to be anything but weird.

So do what you want. I am staying here until I know its safe to walk into a room, and be me.

Not sure as of now.