"Just tired"
Nothing so rare as the idea that I am just "tired on my feet". That expression to whimper to someone else is the most understated comment of the year. When I am in a full flare, like today, no amounts of tired is classified as what I am really feeling.
Tell me what do you say when you feel the veins inside of your arms and legs thrashing hot lava and stones down in them? What would be your tolerance of that sort of pain? Even more so is the spine cracking and twisting burn you feel as you stand and walk? How about that crushing weight of the sock you wear on your foot? How does that classify as a simple tiredness or even just a slight pain?
I want to know what you call the raging temperature of hundred one or two as you have to push through a day of work. I want to know the meaning of what "tolerance" and forgiveness can be for those who have no energy left but keep going on, playing this face of smiles. Please tell me that what I feel, the existence of my skin, muscles, veins and bones thrashing against me is. I know what I am.
I know I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis Disease. This causes so many remarks that just irritates me. Oh there is a pill for that. Oh my friend has that, she cured herself. Oh I have that too but I don't hurt like you do. Yeah I know. And I have also heard the many things like you don't look sick. You are faking it. You are lying. You are lazy.
No I have a chronic illness that I can't get rid of. Yes there is a pill I can take but it only helps certain things. No I can't take pain medicine, because so fortunate of me, I am allergic. So all I am left with is the efforts of meditation, yoga and tears. More often than not it is focusing the pain and all else through meditation and breathing exercises.
And when I do find time and energy, and not at work, I make it known I am going for a hike. That is my strong suit to keep going in life. To seek the points of nature. To forget about all the insensitive people in my life and to find strength in what I love the most. The breeze. The greenery. The small insects.
Those are the moments I search for when I am experiencing these pressing points. Yet often I just want to sleep it all away. And more times than not, I cannot.
Ah so tell me I am fine. Tell me what I experience with Hashimoto's is a dream. For if it was I would like my energy back. I would like to feel like a real person, completely free to outstretch myself. I do miss those moments.
And still I just want to curl in a ball. I don't want to cry and I don't want to feel the stones, the lava, the crushing and the burning. I just want to breathe without cause of harm.
Is that so bad to want?
Perhaps for those who see nothing. Hear nothing. And are too shallow to understand, perhaps I am faking it. But if they walked in my shoes, would they survive? Or would they be begging for assistance?
Tell me I am "just tired".
Tell me what do you say when you feel the veins inside of your arms and legs thrashing hot lava and stones down in them? What would be your tolerance of that sort of pain? Even more so is the spine cracking and twisting burn you feel as you stand and walk? How about that crushing weight of the sock you wear on your foot? How does that classify as a simple tiredness or even just a slight pain?
I want to know what you call the raging temperature of hundred one or two as you have to push through a day of work. I want to know the meaning of what "tolerance" and forgiveness can be for those who have no energy left but keep going on, playing this face of smiles. Please tell me that what I feel, the existence of my skin, muscles, veins and bones thrashing against me is. I know what I am.
I know I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis Disease. This causes so many remarks that just irritates me. Oh there is a pill for that. Oh my friend has that, she cured herself. Oh I have that too but I don't hurt like you do. Yeah I know. And I have also heard the many things like you don't look sick. You are faking it. You are lying. You are lazy.
No I have a chronic illness that I can't get rid of. Yes there is a pill I can take but it only helps certain things. No I can't take pain medicine, because so fortunate of me, I am allergic. So all I am left with is the efforts of meditation, yoga and tears. More often than not it is focusing the pain and all else through meditation and breathing exercises.
And when I do find time and energy, and not at work, I make it known I am going for a hike. That is my strong suit to keep going in life. To seek the points of nature. To forget about all the insensitive people in my life and to find strength in what I love the most. The breeze. The greenery. The small insects.
Those are the moments I search for when I am experiencing these pressing points. Yet often I just want to sleep it all away. And more times than not, I cannot.
Ah so tell me I am fine. Tell me what I experience with Hashimoto's is a dream. For if it was I would like my energy back. I would like to feel like a real person, completely free to outstretch myself. I do miss those moments.
And still I just want to curl in a ball. I don't want to cry and I don't want to feel the stones, the lava, the crushing and the burning. I just want to breathe without cause of harm.
Is that so bad to want?
Perhaps for those who see nothing. Hear nothing. And are too shallow to understand, perhaps I am faking it. But if they walked in my shoes, would they survive? Or would they be begging for assistance?
Tell me I am "just tired".
Comments
Post a Comment