Ticked off at myself

rolling tides of emotions just fall everywhere. Nothing makes sense. Nothing can be controlled and yet I don't want parts of me controlled. Just means that everyone wins again. Its not right.

So today as crushed as I am it won't matter tomorrow. Tomorrow is new and my head will be up. The day will go better and the truth inside of me will settle. Then the night will come and I will be ready for things to roll down the road.

So to speak of what is troubling me is wrong, I suppose and to tell the truth to people is unheard of these days. Yet the damaging blow is that the ache hits the pain even more when the its personal. Its one thing when the blow is looking out but when it aimed at the mind and heart of me, well I am suffering.

Not intentionally but its the same nevertheless. All good and well but I am just at a very low moment tonight and its just not something I wanted to deal with. I didn't want to feel anything but joy. I wanted to settle down and be relieved someone else had happiness, joy overflowing upon their day. Yet I feel that I have killed it.

So now I chide myself even more for the simple, stupidity of feeling any damn thing. Its just typical of my emotions, my expressions that I would have to have a moment. Seriously I am so mad at myself because now I am apologizing for feeling anything. WHY?

SO tired of apologizing. Ready to just settle into my hermit mode and not be anything but here. And still that solves NOTHING.

Just means I deal with my head and my heart with disastrous ways. Now I am ready to just slice off half of me to adjust to this severe indifference.

That too solves nothing. Just the "I told you so". I hate hearing that just as much as I do chiding myself. So.

Yeah. Just gonna put it out there.