Don't ask me to feel
A morning of turmoil and sand. The grit that makes the painfulness so tedious.
When a person tells you they don't like to cry, don't make them churn up feelings that would cause any kind of tears. The need to not cry is very powerful on my case.
Ever have one of those bad, bad hangover headaches? That is what it is like for me in an aftermath of crying. The long drawn out bawling. Yes it is good to release tears but the repercussion of doing so is worse than being near a train on a hangover day.
Been awake since 2am nursing this migraine. Finally some release. Still lots of tension in the jawline, neck and shoulders. Yet that is pain I can handle.
I must make people understand that crying is great. The release of all that weighs down on me is supreme but I don't like to do it. I really don't like to cry because the tension that forms in my head, this clearing causes such a grand explosion in my head and keeps on exploding until there is calm.
Yet I have to work today. Listening to screaming people and dealing with drama at work, I'd prefer to be calm and peaceful not walking in pain.
I know I brought this on myself but I was just irritated and envious of a person and situation that it regurgitated something inside of me that sent me into a downward spiral. Even more so is when telling people why I am crying. And they are part of it. Having to explain myself but be delicate in telling them.
I hate that. Having to be gentle when I am hurting just so others won't be offended. WHY do you bother to ask me if you don't want the brutal truth of why I am hurting? WHY bother, really?
I mean you want to know and I give my truthful reason and give all of to you and then you become shocked, what was the purpose of the explaining when in due possibility you are part of the issue? Why did I bother?
Then I cry more because I know I have offended. What ploy is that when you wanted to know the truth?
Its damaging. Makes me falter in how the rest of the explaining should go when I want to say all but now I know I can't because you can't handle it.
This is why I apologize for being real to so many people. There is just enough sensitivity of others I can handle and when I am hurting I have to be considerate of others too. Hogwash.
In this way I learn when you ask what is bothering me, just not to say anything or sugar coat it so you have still no idea the depth of the pain. Because not only are you going to be super sensitive but you are also going to be listening to respond and label.
Hence why I don't see the point in explaining anything about me. Too many people have become "hurt" because they asked why I hurt. I just want to lay it all out. I want to be able to go forward afterwards. Yet in so many cases I have put myself in a locked case in the corner. My levels of hurt are deep.
Don't you ever dare say its okay to feel when you have no idea the depth of the emotions I gain. Nor the pain that follows. And don't you dare say you want to know my pain when all you are wanting is the skimming the fat off the milk. Especially when the depth is to the bottom of the barrel.
Its just best for you to back away before you decide to label me. Before you decide that you want to give personal input on the reason why I felt the way I did. Better yet walk away before you call me insensitive because I have had enough of the emotions eating me. So much that when I explain everyone that is involved in my pain, don't even dare entertain in your mind that I am cold hearted and a hypocrite. When you don't know how long I have been holding onto what is killing me.
So don't tell me its okay to feel when you have no idea what I feel. And all you really want to know is the gist of the emotion. Just walk away because if you cannot listen without the reasons of judging then its just best you are not in my life.
Just walk away. But don't you dare tell me that I am cruel, cold, insensitive when I told you I don't like to cry. There was a reason. Now you have seen it and now you have labeled me. I told you not to do that, and you said you would not, now you have.
How is it you ask me to trust you when you eat your own words?
When a person tells you they don't like to cry, don't make them churn up feelings that would cause any kind of tears. The need to not cry is very powerful on my case.
Ever have one of those bad, bad hangover headaches? That is what it is like for me in an aftermath of crying. The long drawn out bawling. Yes it is good to release tears but the repercussion of doing so is worse than being near a train on a hangover day.
Been awake since 2am nursing this migraine. Finally some release. Still lots of tension in the jawline, neck and shoulders. Yet that is pain I can handle.
I must make people understand that crying is great. The release of all that weighs down on me is supreme but I don't like to do it. I really don't like to cry because the tension that forms in my head, this clearing causes such a grand explosion in my head and keeps on exploding until there is calm.
Yet I have to work today. Listening to screaming people and dealing with drama at work, I'd prefer to be calm and peaceful not walking in pain.
I know I brought this on myself but I was just irritated and envious of a person and situation that it regurgitated something inside of me that sent me into a downward spiral. Even more so is when telling people why I am crying. And they are part of it. Having to explain myself but be delicate in telling them.
I hate that. Having to be gentle when I am hurting just so others won't be offended. WHY do you bother to ask me if you don't want the brutal truth of why I am hurting? WHY bother, really?
I mean you want to know and I give my truthful reason and give all of to you and then you become shocked, what was the purpose of the explaining when in due possibility you are part of the issue? Why did I bother?
Then I cry more because I know I have offended. What ploy is that when you wanted to know the truth?
Its damaging. Makes me falter in how the rest of the explaining should go when I want to say all but now I know I can't because you can't handle it.
This is why I apologize for being real to so many people. There is just enough sensitivity of others I can handle and when I am hurting I have to be considerate of others too. Hogwash.
In this way I learn when you ask what is bothering me, just not to say anything or sugar coat it so you have still no idea the depth of the pain. Because not only are you going to be super sensitive but you are also going to be listening to respond and label.
Hence why I don't see the point in explaining anything about me. Too many people have become "hurt" because they asked why I hurt. I just want to lay it all out. I want to be able to go forward afterwards. Yet in so many cases I have put myself in a locked case in the corner. My levels of hurt are deep.
Don't you ever dare say its okay to feel when you have no idea the depth of the emotions I gain. Nor the pain that follows. And don't you dare say you want to know my pain when all you are wanting is the skimming the fat off the milk. Especially when the depth is to the bottom of the barrel.
Its just best for you to back away before you decide to label me. Before you decide that you want to give personal input on the reason why I felt the way I did. Better yet walk away before you call me insensitive because I have had enough of the emotions eating me. So much that when I explain everyone that is involved in my pain, don't even dare entertain in your mind that I am cold hearted and a hypocrite. When you don't know how long I have been holding onto what is killing me.
So don't tell me its okay to feel when you have no idea what I feel. And all you really want to know is the gist of the emotion. Just walk away because if you cannot listen without the reasons of judging then its just best you are not in my life.
Just walk away. But don't you dare tell me that I am cruel, cold, insensitive when I told you I don't like to cry. There was a reason. Now you have seen it and now you have labeled me. I told you not to do that, and you said you would not, now you have.
How is it you ask me to trust you when you eat your own words?
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