Why do I bother to love

How does it feel to set aside all that is real for just that one moment in time? How far fetched is the layers of pain felt? Do I even deserve this level? Yes of course.

It is only right that I not feel nor explain. Nothing matters anymore. I strive to be right but I cannot. I cannot move forward and I only want to lay in today or last week.

Yet to the reality of things I cannot go back. There are no corrections I am capable of doing except signing out.

The mind reels in the unwinding pain.  And still I stand tall, and still. It is only proper to lose the greatest parts of me for that is only how I keep going.

I wanted a choice. I wanted to be that choice. Yet I see there is not one ever in  place. Such a grand escaping laughter that finds me here.

Losing.  Letting go. I am walking away.
Leaving my service Jehovah because I can no longer take it. I can no longer pretend to not feel.

I don't see why I bother to love.