I get it now

Over time you learn who you are by great trials and some losses. There is sadness but you always make the point to keep going.

Once you slow down and become flailing then you dissolve. Never once did I want to be there ad yet I have been there many times.

It takes a great toll on me but I am able to keep silent the words in my head. Just once I wanted to be the center of attention .

Yet that is foolish. You learn not to become that because you already realize how much has been lost for one cause. Then you get up and breathe. Inhaling to the deepest point and just letting go.

Releasing all that is kept inside. Exploding the tears where you don't want them to let. Then the ONE person you don't want to experience your anguish, somehow gets to see them all.

Then what happens. Oddness. The experience of hearing them say you are crazy, too emotional or too hateful. Just the depth of misunderstanding they have for you, cuts deeper into your spirit.

Then all you want to do is run. Never look back. Forget the things that have been built. All were what?

Alas it matters not because you will never explain the anguish. You continue to watch as they destroy you.

All you can do is just walk away. Screaming, crying but hopefully a real person once more.

All I can say is I hoped to never amount to robot status. Answer your phone. Do your duty but make sure I feel dirt in my spirit. Yes I have accomplished that. 

I understand I am only a tool. I get that now.