Still I must

         The moist air draws me outside only to press me
further back into a warm covering. So much to just step
outside.

        The rain has fallen in so many area but still the
replenishing parts are left open. I am hesitant to even
inch myself outside. The hope of no more tears, no more
spilling of weighted breaths yet there is more.

        Perhaps more prayers, more words in confidentiality
to my Father, Jehovah. Oh the sighs that release upon
my soul help my spirit soar one cloud higher.

        Still the want to sleep just sits as the neutralizer
as the heart beats rapidly. So much dances, teases
me now that sleep would not be calming. Crying on the
other hand would be soothing me as though a lost lullaby.

       I know expressing all this will help but also the hope
of a smile upon a face. Alas I cannot ask of such things
from others only myself.

      So now here after I have studied for a while the mind
needs a moment to release. Oh the pent up anger of
trying so hard to keep my distance, striving even more
so to speak in whispers. I just cannot. The love of family
demands me to be vocal, to express the despair I have
from always initiating conversations. Just once, please,
just seeking me out to say word would be a welcomed
surprised.

     Alas I can only be patient as Jehovah commands.

     Still I tire, sometimes,of always striving to be the
best support system to others. Sometimes I am just
wanting to show my weaknesses. Still, though, I hold
back because there may just be someone out there in
greater need than me.

     No, no that doesn't mean my level of need is
insignificant, just I feel less noticed. So I trek through
the company and keep up appearances only to
cry once I am in solitude.

     How deafening that is even to those who are lively.
Yes just a moment of spurring where Jehovah opens for
a word to press against my spirit, for me to absorb. Yes
I need to hear it. I need to feel the love of concern over
my well-being. Yes I too am weak.

   Sometimes you may have to dig for the reality but it
is there. Just a few questions could receive the greatest
reception. Still the first step is to initiate a conversation.

      Oh how I pray for one of those questions to come
knocking, inquiring over my day. Alas I will have to
wait my turn.

     One day, I will let all see that the solid exterior only
holds together a soft shell waiting to be explored. Oh
how saddening it is to have to beg for a moment.

    Still I must.