Stillness
I get this moment of stillness when I think of the goodness I receive in a meeting. This tiny gasp of warmth that overcomes my spirit. Then the waking sighs that find my smile. See I didn't think I would ever feel this level of joy again. Finding the necessary source of happiness. It is my faith.
I thought, for the longest time, I was in need of improving physically to just make me completely whole. Only to realize that physical attributes come and go. I should have dug deeper and searched wider for the reality of what made me content.
So you ask, what makes me content? Well it is the constant search of another answer to questions I have about Jehovah. Not necessarily is it the need to have companionship but I need the relationship with Jehovah. That is what makes my life fuller.
I can't expect many to understand that nor do I strive to fill people of the voids within my story. I just have accepted the burnt bits of me as tatting. I can always add more thread and incorporate more knots. However what really holds me together is the hope, the trust in Jehovah. I thought it would be decades before I admit that again.
Trusting in Jehovah is not an easy feat for me. I wasn't saying I am above Jehovah but I just thought I wasn't worth being his child. I mean I have been evil in so many ways, why would he still love me? Why? How? Yet he does. Jehovah searches for me. Not sure how to explain just how important that is for me to keep searching, digging for answers.
So in the silent moments before a zoom meeting I find myself taking deep breaths then the exhales of shaking notions. All I can do is pray before I set my face upon the video and hope that my faith becomes even more strong with view of talks, meetings and comments.
As for now, I gather strength in places I didn't think were allowed to me. I say my thanksgiving to Jehovah for another day completed. Then my mind settles and I try to fall asleep. Adjusting my brain to a fog and no anxiety.
So that if tomorrow is given, I will be able to find out what is going on with me. For now I cannot stress over what is underlying. All I can do is pray and sleep. This is how the new day can come.
When the stillness of a darkened room calms me, I blink into memories and dreams. Goodness that finds my breath in the morning. One more day I woke, thanking Jehovah. That stillness is a blessing and love.
That is how Jehovah is. Sincere and powerful.
I thought, for the longest time, I was in need of improving physically to just make me completely whole. Only to realize that physical attributes come and go. I should have dug deeper and searched wider for the reality of what made me content.
So you ask, what makes me content? Well it is the constant search of another answer to questions I have about Jehovah. Not necessarily is it the need to have companionship but I need the relationship with Jehovah. That is what makes my life fuller.
I can't expect many to understand that nor do I strive to fill people of the voids within my story. I just have accepted the burnt bits of me as tatting. I can always add more thread and incorporate more knots. However what really holds me together is the hope, the trust in Jehovah. I thought it would be decades before I admit that again.
Trusting in Jehovah is not an easy feat for me. I wasn't saying I am above Jehovah but I just thought I wasn't worth being his child. I mean I have been evil in so many ways, why would he still love me? Why? How? Yet he does. Jehovah searches for me. Not sure how to explain just how important that is for me to keep searching, digging for answers.
So in the silent moments before a zoom meeting I find myself taking deep breaths then the exhales of shaking notions. All I can do is pray before I set my face upon the video and hope that my faith becomes even more strong with view of talks, meetings and comments.
As for now, I gather strength in places I didn't think were allowed to me. I say my thanksgiving to Jehovah for another day completed. Then my mind settles and I try to fall asleep. Adjusting my brain to a fog and no anxiety.
So that if tomorrow is given, I will be able to find out what is going on with me. For now I cannot stress over what is underlying. All I can do is pray and sleep. This is how the new day can come.
When the stillness of a darkened room calms me, I blink into memories and dreams. Goodness that finds my breath in the morning. One more day I woke, thanking Jehovah. That stillness is a blessing and love.
That is how Jehovah is. Sincere and powerful.
Comments
Post a Comment