Different outcome
Long ago I thought I would be something different than I am today. However lots of changes and memories that dragged up long buried events. Life overwhelmed and the night fell from the blackness. I felt so lost. I never thought that life would give me the darkest mornings that restrained me from moving in any direction.
The best way to take this information was to recognize that I was not a victim, that the fighter in me became a survivor. Nothing prepared me for the level of destruction I would present to others. Nor help me understand just how evil I was inside.
Yet above all Jehovah, God, wanted to love me and still does. See, that form of love is strange to me. Even now after experiencing it for a short time while I was building my war again people. All the while Jehovah was pressing me to just let him in.
I never believed I was lovable. I never understood that a person like me could be deemed worthy even after I got baptized. I still struggled with wanting to be inside a group of people. I felt that was what I needed.
As the plans of my war fell into place I laid many bombs of destruction. Pretending to be wholesome and vibrant but deep within me I was the atomic explosion just waiting for the last second to tick off. I didn't understand my level of pain inside of me.
And when the box of dynamite was exposed the bottom of my world fell out. I was falling and falling. Dropping into this abyss that somehow ripped open a memory. The memory opened an event and I found myself curled inside a tiny ball. Rocking. Shaking. So quiet and zoned out. I surely say to you, a room full of padded white squares would have suited me well, for a while.
In my process I was losing myself in the constant battles I was waging. I kept a fake decorum so that people would just brush off who I was, carry on. I allowed many to think I was fine. Yet I was fragile as a cracked window, just one more touch and a million pieces spit across time.
I let myself fall. I let myself break. I let myself perceive that I had won the battles and was in process of winning the war. In truth I know I was done. Finished. Completely out of my mind. Then I finally faded. Grateful of the talk of the town. Letting people speculate that I caused most of the problems. I was willing to take full responsibility for everything that happened.
And I did.
Finally I thought I was free. Leaving Jehovah behind. Losing myself in a world of darkness. Still feeling the continuous rape of my childhood. Not a figurative experience. I relived over and over again the assaults and the perversion inside my spirit. Thinking I was not allowed to be loved by anyone. I was only a toy of pleasure.
In that I allowed myself to believe I was only good for sex. I tried to drown out all that happened in my youth. Finding how all that happened eating away at what was still breathing inside of me. I wanted to harm myself, emotionally. Yet, I couldn't. I had to find a new project to help me forget what was reality for me.
As I found my new project I found myself opening up, allowing my personal experiences to fall into a heart and a mind of someone. Unclear to this day if what I did was beneficial. Still I have to say, I think, maybe, it was.
Still I hadn't forgotten what tore me. Still a dysfunctional woman with tragic circumstances. And yet most people would cling to the victim status, I didn't think I qualified for that title. I didn't stop to wallow in all that had cleared me of any innocence I may have had in my childhood. I didn't allow myself to be raped over and over by being a victim.
I became the pillar to so many people. I bought my life with experience and grit. I could not stand down and yet in my process of putting my foot down, I lost what made me so distrusting of people. I just thought that my inability to trust others came from the sly salesmen in life. Only to find out just how real the trust in family was severed.
That is what made me incapable of letting Jehovah in deeper.
Talking about it helps. Therapy was amazing. Talking to someone about how rape by my drunken father, sexual abuse by my sister and my wanton actions as woman led me to be so distant from any person in my life.
That was the most defining moment in my life. When I found ways to recoup from those tragedies I felt open. Though it took me a long time to find my way back to Jehovah. To this day I still seek help in loving him. I still search for ways to prove my worth to him. Although I do comprehend that Jehovah has forgiven me. I must realize that since he has forgiven me, I must do so too.
That is where I am right now. Not above Jehovah in forgiving. Just not sure I am worthy of such standards with all that I have done. To think this strong pillar is unclear just how favorable I am to Jehovah, to myself. The worst critic you have is yourself.
We are all too hard on ourselves. I think that is why I am still struggling. I need to accept that when Jehovah forgives, all is forgiven. Then I also need to place inside my mind that since my family don't know Jehovah, I should keep praying for them, even in sleep, that they find Jehovah's word appealing within their hearts.
Until then I must continue to build trust - completely - in Jehovah. For me. This will help me believe more in all the qualities and promises Jehovah has given. Strength is a good thing but showing weakness is better. It helps a person grow and develop standards as well as trying to be obedient to Jehovah's guidelines.
For now I will keep praying for new levels of understanding, wisdom and application. Then when Jehovah says come back, I will be grateful of the loads I have had to bear. How about you?
The best way to take this information was to recognize that I was not a victim, that the fighter in me became a survivor. Nothing prepared me for the level of destruction I would present to others. Nor help me understand just how evil I was inside.
Yet above all Jehovah, God, wanted to love me and still does. See, that form of love is strange to me. Even now after experiencing it for a short time while I was building my war again people. All the while Jehovah was pressing me to just let him in.
I never believed I was lovable. I never understood that a person like me could be deemed worthy even after I got baptized. I still struggled with wanting to be inside a group of people. I felt that was what I needed.
As the plans of my war fell into place I laid many bombs of destruction. Pretending to be wholesome and vibrant but deep within me I was the atomic explosion just waiting for the last second to tick off. I didn't understand my level of pain inside of me.
And when the box of dynamite was exposed the bottom of my world fell out. I was falling and falling. Dropping into this abyss that somehow ripped open a memory. The memory opened an event and I found myself curled inside a tiny ball. Rocking. Shaking. So quiet and zoned out. I surely say to you, a room full of padded white squares would have suited me well, for a while.
In my process I was losing myself in the constant battles I was waging. I kept a fake decorum so that people would just brush off who I was, carry on. I allowed many to think I was fine. Yet I was fragile as a cracked window, just one more touch and a million pieces spit across time.
I let myself fall. I let myself break. I let myself perceive that I had won the battles and was in process of winning the war. In truth I know I was done. Finished. Completely out of my mind. Then I finally faded. Grateful of the talk of the town. Letting people speculate that I caused most of the problems. I was willing to take full responsibility for everything that happened.
And I did.
Finally I thought I was free. Leaving Jehovah behind. Losing myself in a world of darkness. Still feeling the continuous rape of my childhood. Not a figurative experience. I relived over and over again the assaults and the perversion inside my spirit. Thinking I was not allowed to be loved by anyone. I was only a toy of pleasure.
In that I allowed myself to believe I was only good for sex. I tried to drown out all that happened in my youth. Finding how all that happened eating away at what was still breathing inside of me. I wanted to harm myself, emotionally. Yet, I couldn't. I had to find a new project to help me forget what was reality for me.
As I found my new project I found myself opening up, allowing my personal experiences to fall into a heart and a mind of someone. Unclear to this day if what I did was beneficial. Still I have to say, I think, maybe, it was.
Still I hadn't forgotten what tore me. Still a dysfunctional woman with tragic circumstances. And yet most people would cling to the victim status, I didn't think I qualified for that title. I didn't stop to wallow in all that had cleared me of any innocence I may have had in my childhood. I didn't allow myself to be raped over and over by being a victim.
I became the pillar to so many people. I bought my life with experience and grit. I could not stand down and yet in my process of putting my foot down, I lost what made me so distrusting of people. I just thought that my inability to trust others came from the sly salesmen in life. Only to find out just how real the trust in family was severed.
That is what made me incapable of letting Jehovah in deeper.
Talking about it helps. Therapy was amazing. Talking to someone about how rape by my drunken father, sexual abuse by my sister and my wanton actions as woman led me to be so distant from any person in my life.
That was the most defining moment in my life. When I found ways to recoup from those tragedies I felt open. Though it took me a long time to find my way back to Jehovah. To this day I still seek help in loving him. I still search for ways to prove my worth to him. Although I do comprehend that Jehovah has forgiven me. I must realize that since he has forgiven me, I must do so too.
That is where I am right now. Not above Jehovah in forgiving. Just not sure I am worthy of such standards with all that I have done. To think this strong pillar is unclear just how favorable I am to Jehovah, to myself. The worst critic you have is yourself.
We are all too hard on ourselves. I think that is why I am still struggling. I need to accept that when Jehovah forgives, all is forgiven. Then I also need to place inside my mind that since my family don't know Jehovah, I should keep praying for them, even in sleep, that they find Jehovah's word appealing within their hearts.
Until then I must continue to build trust - completely - in Jehovah. For me. This will help me believe more in all the qualities and promises Jehovah has given. Strength is a good thing but showing weakness is better. It helps a person grow and develop standards as well as trying to be obedient to Jehovah's guidelines.
For now I will keep praying for new levels of understanding, wisdom and application. Then when Jehovah says come back, I will be grateful of the loads I have had to bear. How about you?
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