I used to wonder
I used to wonder who read my work and who benefited from my words. Noe I come to realize it doesn't matter. My words don't cease just for others to stand in awe. I don't go to poetry slams or reads just for the fact my words are private but worldly said.
In so much of me needs a voice. Whether it be said, painted or crafted. I really wouldn't have a talent of any sort if it were not for Jehovah. So my praise is to him. I used to be afraid, after being disfellowshipped, for even saying his name. It was as though I was pouring sand in his eyes.
Then only to realize the only person I am really doing that to is me. Jehovah knows me, dust to bone, ash to skin and blood to muscle. He knows ever part of me, and at times that can be one scary thing to address. Yet that is the love and respect I have for him.
And when I write whether through paints, wire, stones, ink, photos or computer I am grateful for Jehovah just giving me life. That is faith. Hebrews 11:1-3. My "talents", my words are not mine but gifts of Jehovah.
And the best thing about how I changed my perspective of life, is that I learned where I wanted, needed to be. I even began clumping the want with the need because my desire to be with Jehovah is so truth digging, thst the spirit threw the need before my eyes.
So odd in my expressions but here I am sitting with my bible open to Hebrews 11 reread what was discussed in the talk Brother McNeil gave Sunday. And recognizing that this was a talk I needed to hear. Romans 12:2 was key scripture -- transformed.
See I realized that yeah when I changed from student to baptism candidate then to pioneer I transformed but was it real? This time around is a true transformation. It's the one that transitions me from being the selfish wanton disfellowshipped person to a sister again.
Yet as much as the heart wants it all to happen fast the mind recognizes baby steps are needed. I was away from any spiritual food for almost 7 months. Then I had almost 2 months of heartfelt bursts only to tackle something only Job would understand and yet so many do understand these trials.
So sure once I wondered if anyone listened to me. I wondered if certain people got messages or even flew ininto big discussions. But I soon realized that it doesn't matter.
My words are here for people to grow, maybe even reconnect with Jehovah or family, even possible friends. But even more so my words are for me. Just to express what is going on in my life.
And as much as I want to say hey to a few people, not a priority anymore. My life turned severe and plenty of areas I learned that used to matter are simply STUPID.
As I make this new Mary I hope I gain the better relationship with Jehovah. I won't know until something is felt, is right. I just don't need to rush right now. I need the time.
To relearn. To be real in front of Jehovah and keep speaking. In case someone does read and says words, encouragement is all I need. Because the best part is I found the path I want to be on. And as many obstacles I am ready for the battle because I know in the end I gain Jehovah as my protector, once more. Everything is worth that.
So sure I still ask but no I don't wonder. I just keep moving towards my goals. Attaining what I need to be able to be in Paradise with all my friends, family.
Maybe you will be there to, welcoming me.
In so much of me needs a voice. Whether it be said, painted or crafted. I really wouldn't have a talent of any sort if it were not for Jehovah. So my praise is to him. I used to be afraid, after being disfellowshipped, for even saying his name. It was as though I was pouring sand in his eyes.
Then only to realize the only person I am really doing that to is me. Jehovah knows me, dust to bone, ash to skin and blood to muscle. He knows ever part of me, and at times that can be one scary thing to address. Yet that is the love and respect I have for him.
And when I write whether through paints, wire, stones, ink, photos or computer I am grateful for Jehovah just giving me life. That is faith. Hebrews 11:1-3. My "talents", my words are not mine but gifts of Jehovah.
And the best thing about how I changed my perspective of life, is that I learned where I wanted, needed to be. I even began clumping the want with the need because my desire to be with Jehovah is so truth digging, thst the spirit threw the need before my eyes.
So odd in my expressions but here I am sitting with my bible open to Hebrews 11 reread what was discussed in the talk Brother McNeil gave Sunday. And recognizing that this was a talk I needed to hear. Romans 12:2 was key scripture -- transformed.
See I realized that yeah when I changed from student to baptism candidate then to pioneer I transformed but was it real? This time around is a true transformation. It's the one that transitions me from being the selfish wanton disfellowshipped person to a sister again.
Yet as much as the heart wants it all to happen fast the mind recognizes baby steps are needed. I was away from any spiritual food for almost 7 months. Then I had almost 2 months of heartfelt bursts only to tackle something only Job would understand and yet so many do understand these trials.
So sure once I wondered if anyone listened to me. I wondered if certain people got messages or even flew ininto big discussions. But I soon realized that it doesn't matter.
My words are here for people to grow, maybe even reconnect with Jehovah or family, even possible friends. But even more so my words are for me. Just to express what is going on in my life.
And as much as I want to say hey to a few people, not a priority anymore. My life turned severe and plenty of areas I learned that used to matter are simply STUPID.
As I make this new Mary I hope I gain the better relationship with Jehovah. I won't know until something is felt, is right. I just don't need to rush right now. I need the time.
To relearn. To be real in front of Jehovah and keep speaking. In case someone does read and says words, encouragement is all I need. Because the best part is I found the path I want to be on. And as many obstacles I am ready for the battle because I know in the end I gain Jehovah as my protector, once more. Everything is worth that.
So sure I still ask but no I don't wonder. I just keep moving towards my goals. Attaining what I need to be able to be in Paradise with all my friends, family.
Maybe you will be there to, welcoming me.
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