Deaden

I think when you get cancer you tend to deaden everything. Eliminate all thoughts of wanting any companionship because all I could think about is who would want this. And with that I became my own person. Not to say I don't reach out for help to family, but I lean more so on Jehovah than I did anyone in my family or work environment.

So unclear as to where I was going in life that praise of making it to the next day was the ONLY thing in mind and heart. And every tear I carried and cried in secrecy I have Jehovah to thank for the courage and strength given.

You know even though I am disfellowshipped I still know Jehovah hears.  And for going through something as life threatening as cancer I am grateful for the smallest bits of care and love he sent my way.

Surprisingly just seeing faces of people I used to talk to were encouraging. They didn't know they did any good for me, but Jehovah does. And even those who didn't know I was disfellowshipped, when I told them my praise of thanksgiving to Jehovah for that push I gained through them.

Heartwarming and spirit encouraging.

And with the cancer I dealt with and currently so, I am grateful not to involve anyone else. It has helped me build and rebuild my relationship with Jehovah to a different level.

I still have checkups to do and I am a long ways from being healed but to say that with last surgery ninety five percent was removed, I am only singing in whispers, thoughts to Jehovah.

It's this kind of renew and reunion you can't help but get excited over. So sure I am unclear on when to look into a letter to brothers because my heart, soul and mind is with Jehovah but I am concerned about my spirit.

Perhaps that is why I tell myself to wait. I don't think I am worthy of the right process yet. Still so much of me remains silent. Still so much of me that isn't where I want to be, but does that mean I am placing my opinion above Jehovah's?

Oh I really don't know.

What even more is how much each one of these watchtowers, lessons of the bible and life studies brings me back to my error.  So do I still feel the guiltiness of who I am, what I did and does that let me think I don't deserve to be a child of Jehovah's?

Really so many questions that fall inside of me. Even more is the deadening of all body parts. Truly I have let an illness make me see that it is worth it just to be protected by Jehovah.

Though my path back to Jehovah has been long. Even at a stand still for a whole month and half. And now it's just in prayer. I keep holding onto a hope but I am not wanting to let it scare me.

So life has had its ups and down but the best parts was me finding the hand, the help Jehovah was giving me to search once more.  Cancer can be a road of turmoil if you let it be, or you see the light in the journey.

For me I saw the darkness but I chose to live in the light. Today I say I am cancer free because so much was removed. Yet the what if lingers, and as much as it may assault my senses on certain days I still have to say I am alive, awake and alert.  Breathing.

So I look at the good, the positive. And because of Jehovah I soar.

So deaden all parts of you so you too can be walking with Jehovah. I am there though I am praying for the right time.

Jehovah will let me know. Until then this is my journey with Jehovah.