Remembering a promise
Random as life is right now I have this structured plan of three years out. So many things I have moved aside so that I can achieve something else. Not for the sake of not wanting to but the factor remains that I am not ready to go down that path yet.
I still need to into place a few more items and then the clarity rings true. I have already set up a contingency in hopes that all aspects fall into line. And as the days are checked off the tiny victories are shouted.
I cannot expect anyone to understand me but I am looking forward to the good parts of a day and down to the seconds that tick by. Sure I have all these plans but at this very moment I am grateful that some things in life have walked away or shut out. This kindness in a protection is grandness on a scale only I understand.
Today is such a big day. Ordinarily I would be in a rush around mode but I have come to realize the hypocrisy I would be proclaiming. Truth be told that is something that rubs me like sandpaper. I do not want to just give a viewing as though I am a celebrity out on an appearance. I don't like to be fake anymore. That used to justify so many aspects of my life, yet not now.
I claim only to be me, Mary. All that people knew of me in my past, has faded. I am only talking to whoever listens but most importantly talking my thoughts out loud. The best conversations I can have right now.
No, I am not crazy. I have only been labelled that by people who do not understand me. By that, I mean there is the core of my spirit that makes no sense to them, nor will it ever. In the past, that used to make me so upset. The need to explain, more like exploit myself to those who thought I was so insensitive.
But now the idea of asking if they like my changes, seems inappropriate. How so? Well they don't know anything about me. And for me to submerse myself back into their live, why? I mean I didn't mean much to them before, and to this date none have inquired. So I stay with the reservations I have upon my hopes and dreams.
Attainable goals. No need for attention nor that of gossip. I am just me. I have gotten to where I am because I believe I am strong, that I am loyal. Perhaps my loyalty laid to the wrong direction in the past but I still trust in so many people. That is possibly a negative part of me. So gullible. Yet I find myself seeing the positive in that piece.
And as I sit here looking over the whole scale of plans being gullible is not so bad. Also learning that I would rather sit at home and pray than to appear somewhere only to not show up again. To me I am all in or not at all. Frankly, I am just not ready.
And my last prayer was understood. So much has been given as a gift to me. I am grateful for the constant changes. Everyday, I am finding that bits and pieces of life produce the most magnificent joys that burst within your soul and spirit.
I don't expect anyone to have experienced that feeling but if you have, you must tell me. So today is about remembrance. Today is about the beauty of a gift. And for me it is about being loyal and trusting. If you are listening, what is today about for you?
Are you really feeling the truth settle inside or do you need a few more years to grow? Me, only my redeemer knows my requests and my pursuits. My heart is not closed but it is guarded. By means of being confined to the mind's restrictions. That is how I move along. Perhaps even how I walk away from all that is green and dangerous.
Yet all I hope is one day the importance of remembering isn't plagued by making my "appearances" and disappearing. I hope that I stay and embrace what I know speaks to my heart and demands my mind to think.
For now I will just keep praying and slowly inch towards what is to be confirming. Assigning myself to this promise. One I intend to keep for me. And right now, all I can do is be grateful that questions still come to mind. Also how to live day to day, approaching each subject as I have been instructed.
With that, life moves. I breath. I feel joy. How about you?
I still need to into place a few more items and then the clarity rings true. I have already set up a contingency in hopes that all aspects fall into line. And as the days are checked off the tiny victories are shouted.
I cannot expect anyone to understand me but I am looking forward to the good parts of a day and down to the seconds that tick by. Sure I have all these plans but at this very moment I am grateful that some things in life have walked away or shut out. This kindness in a protection is grandness on a scale only I understand.
Today is such a big day. Ordinarily I would be in a rush around mode but I have come to realize the hypocrisy I would be proclaiming. Truth be told that is something that rubs me like sandpaper. I do not want to just give a viewing as though I am a celebrity out on an appearance. I don't like to be fake anymore. That used to justify so many aspects of my life, yet not now.
I claim only to be me, Mary. All that people knew of me in my past, has faded. I am only talking to whoever listens but most importantly talking my thoughts out loud. The best conversations I can have right now.
No, I am not crazy. I have only been labelled that by people who do not understand me. By that, I mean there is the core of my spirit that makes no sense to them, nor will it ever. In the past, that used to make me so upset. The need to explain, more like exploit myself to those who thought I was so insensitive.
But now the idea of asking if they like my changes, seems inappropriate. How so? Well they don't know anything about me. And for me to submerse myself back into their live, why? I mean I didn't mean much to them before, and to this date none have inquired. So I stay with the reservations I have upon my hopes and dreams.
Attainable goals. No need for attention nor that of gossip. I am just me. I have gotten to where I am because I believe I am strong, that I am loyal. Perhaps my loyalty laid to the wrong direction in the past but I still trust in so many people. That is possibly a negative part of me. So gullible. Yet I find myself seeing the positive in that piece.
And as I sit here looking over the whole scale of plans being gullible is not so bad. Also learning that I would rather sit at home and pray than to appear somewhere only to not show up again. To me I am all in or not at all. Frankly, I am just not ready.
And my last prayer was understood. So much has been given as a gift to me. I am grateful for the constant changes. Everyday, I am finding that bits and pieces of life produce the most magnificent joys that burst within your soul and spirit.
I don't expect anyone to have experienced that feeling but if you have, you must tell me. So today is about remembrance. Today is about the beauty of a gift. And for me it is about being loyal and trusting. If you are listening, what is today about for you?
Are you really feeling the truth settle inside or do you need a few more years to grow? Me, only my redeemer knows my requests and my pursuits. My heart is not closed but it is guarded. By means of being confined to the mind's restrictions. That is how I move along. Perhaps even how I walk away from all that is green and dangerous.
Yet all I hope is one day the importance of remembering isn't plagued by making my "appearances" and disappearing. I hope that I stay and embrace what I know speaks to my heart and demands my mind to think.
For now I will just keep praying and slowly inch towards what is to be confirming. Assigning myself to this promise. One I intend to keep for me. And right now, all I can do is be grateful that questions still come to mind. Also how to live day to day, approaching each subject as I have been instructed.
With that, life moves. I breath. I feel joy. How about you?
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