Lean and leap

I laid down a life I didn't think I could handle. I even thought about all that the world had given me, what I spit back out. Oh how the mind does these tricks to help motivate us in a direction completely out of the ballpark.

And as I sit here recalling the good and the bad, I just view how grateful I am in the most tedious of ways. Sounds as though I am completely irresponsible for the actions I take. Yet the opposite is the fact. I take total control of all the methods I used/use to gain what I wanted/want. What even now, seems so trivial. In the end the whole lie I lived, was it worth the pain that I divided sectors into? 

As I sit here asking myself numerous questions upon the actions of the heart, the strikes of whips I inhale are ever growing. How do you erase or heal from that? Is there ever really a point that you can finally say, I am not broken anymore? I won't destroy another for selfish gains? 

Although I still find myself a hypocrite walking into sacred spaces, I find myself asking who am I hurting now. I sigh as that question sinks to the core of my spirit. The very demanding pieces of who I am. And how does a response still the mind altogether? 

Why bother even treading on the subject? Yet the bothersome trickles of truth eradicate my very resolution to stand back. Then I find myself laughing at sorts of the back talking I have been doing to give reasons. Whatever for? 

And as the night is closing and the morning time is slipping in I look at the wonders about to fall into place. All I needed to do was walk away from things. Learn about who I am and leap. The biggest score I ever felt was finally beginning to see a full scale of light coming at me. Windows, doors and trees peeling back to give the deepest parts of my prayers and hopes unfolding. Grand expansions displayed. 

Now as I am editing the final moments of today, I entertain the what ifs but not for long and to dwell on the negativity. I am here to just jot down what I need to improve on so that the next time I come across the same situation or something similar, I know how to make the correct response. Just to walk away. Crossing off the ability to overcome.

Sensibility has something to do with it. Not all. So sure there is much to learn. Much to absorb. And now I can just relax. For a moment at least. Then carry forward. So smile.