The check list

           Did I say too much now? Did I open myself
up too widely? Oh why does it matter? This is only
a part of who I am, who I have become.

           Oh still the words sit at the tip of my tongue.
Oh how I seriously don't know how to deal with
any sort of sentiment, compliment nor the
overwhelming joy.

             So antsy with those kinds of emotions.
Moments where I am curious how anyone is capable
to help me see through them. So I often find myself
talking out loud to Jehovah. Most times that is
all that is necessary.

             Ah but who has felt like this? I try so hard
to keep inside, to suppress, hide, eliminate but
eventually all emotions need to be given air.

            Now my face is clearing up. My head
screams but that is my fault for trying to hide
something that didn't need to be hidden. I admit
defeat with that battle.

            I do so dispise moments such as these.
Holding and pressing. Swallowing my pride and
just letting it go. Now that is the hardest thing for
me to deal with, to do. To show any form of
weakness to friends, family.

           I even got myself into negative thoughts
of stating I wasn't  worthy of any friend I hold currently
close. Yet you must know there are few that claim
me. Mostly, firstly is Jehovah.

         Soothing my mind with breathes of meditation,
back to reality of the situation, of life. Ah the breeze
comes by once more. Lifting and tickling my eyes,
my soul and pinching my spirit. Oh all I needed
was my talk with Jehovah.

         My solo mind needed Jehovah's love. Ah yes
and the warmth of his kindness. Oh today would
have played out better had this tumbling over
had occurred a few days ago.

        The onsaught of turbulence was, perhaps,
necessary so acceptance of the new rules. For me
to stand firm in my faith once more. Not allowing
the struggles to pull me.

       Hmm the mind checks off the rollercoaster
ride for the season. Oh once more I pray that my
role down this narrow path is correct. The hope
I am included in others. Nearby standing and
observing.

       Holding onto the hope that all loving kindness
extends. I hope, once more, arms open wide, when
willing, to embrace my paled soul. For now I am
understanding the meaning of distance of a glass
window.

     Laughing, smiling to only those who seek for
this Mary. Pardon my dust as I circle, looking and
hoping for family who want me near. So much yet
has to break free. Still there is time.

       Jehovah will heal his daughter. He will bind,
bond friendships firmer in their due places. Oh
I so look forward to those days. Soon, one day
nearby.

       I stand waiting for now. Just watching.
Hoping. Loving. Holding patience and kindness
inside.

                   Yes I am smiling with this hope.