How did you view my morning
There are days were I can do absolutely nothing. Not for the thought of laziness but that of swollen joints. My skin rises to the resemblance of the marshmallow guy in Ghostbusters.
My skin hurts but beneath it all I am still breathing. I still am around people who may not understand my dilemma. So I force myself with stiff hands and slow movements to enjoy being in company. I even give a grand show.
My fire of burning nerves pinched or otherwise. I still smile. Why? Because I need not to bring others down into my darkness. Today is my only day off this week and I intend to do whatever I must to help.
Even though my legs are jelly and my arms feel like puffy bricks I have to show a grand smile. And most of the time it works.
You must understand this of me. I am not one that likes to draw self pity nor one to ask of sympathy. It is one thing for me to feel your pain but it's another for you to feel or even understand mine.
Not that I don't want you to understand but how I feel is a part of me but parts I can't even comprehend. So to try to explain it to someone is hard. So I move to silence or joy. Either way it's easier to deal with the levels of pain.
For me the greatest trick is not to pass out nor show my weakness to people. But there are the few real people who can see passed my façade and tell me to slow down, lay down or just rest. Those people are like me. Readers. Observant.
And that is what my roughest days are like.
Yet this morning I laughed at waking with puffy marshmallow hands. Even more so trying to write poetry with them. I couldn't help but laugh and roll right back over to sleep.
Sleep is what I did for two more hours. This time just stiffness and slowness. Much better. A smile graces my lips and silence is my mood.
I let the drowning of the television corrode the mind until some sort of sanity is reached. Movement from chair to standing and walking. The greatest triumph I am going to achieve at this hour. I aim to get there.
The the findings of looser clothes and warmth. Still smiling because there is air in my lungs and a brightness about the steps I make. So sure I brought you through the turbulence in my thoughts.
Now here I am standing with clothes that semi match but feel so loose that the puffy skin can breathe. I cannot ask for anything better.
Oh save a frou frou coffee. Indeed goodness there. Caramel brulee latte. Yeah I think that will give me the extra push to state any kind of sanity needed to keep going.
Yes I sometimes buy my affections or strive to "charm" the enemy within. Every little bit helps. Plus in doing so I am making myself get out to enjoy sunshine and walking, greeting people with smiles. It helps. It helps.
And today will begin a different tactic to maintain a focus on no pain. Oh the strategies I go through to just manage myself.
And still I look young and fresh. You would never guess the amount I took to appear that way. These steps I go forward in. No make up. Just chapstick and cool brisk wind.
Best day can be possible if I maintain the fresh outlook of goodness. Even though it started out in darkness and sarcasm.
Do you understand why I am silent on so many levels? Why no need to speak when people tell me I have no idea of something? Oh, did you walk in my shoes Today? Did you feel where I came from Today?
No. But it is okay. Assumptions are made because the way I shine and the way I dress. But if you peeled back a few layers would you feel bad for what you saw? Would you recant? Would you coil back and be surprised?
I really can't answer what you would do or say. All I know is what I am experiencing. And since I can stand in this torture of a dying soul with a vibrant positive spirit I can only move as I should.
So all I can say to you is never judge. For you know NOT what people are experiencing just to make the day go by.
Just your glimpse inside my morning. Today a tough one but so very manageable. And the worst of them, I sleep for days. And the best I put forth 200 percent of me. So just heed how you look at me.
See that I too struggle and I choose to see the best of every moment. How else should life go?
My skin hurts but beneath it all I am still breathing. I still am around people who may not understand my dilemma. So I force myself with stiff hands and slow movements to enjoy being in company. I even give a grand show.
My fire of burning nerves pinched or otherwise. I still smile. Why? Because I need not to bring others down into my darkness. Today is my only day off this week and I intend to do whatever I must to help.
Even though my legs are jelly and my arms feel like puffy bricks I have to show a grand smile. And most of the time it works.
You must understand this of me. I am not one that likes to draw self pity nor one to ask of sympathy. It is one thing for me to feel your pain but it's another for you to feel or even understand mine.
Not that I don't want you to understand but how I feel is a part of me but parts I can't even comprehend. So to try to explain it to someone is hard. So I move to silence or joy. Either way it's easier to deal with the levels of pain.
For me the greatest trick is not to pass out nor show my weakness to people. But there are the few real people who can see passed my façade and tell me to slow down, lay down or just rest. Those people are like me. Readers. Observant.
And that is what my roughest days are like.
Yet this morning I laughed at waking with puffy marshmallow hands. Even more so trying to write poetry with them. I couldn't help but laugh and roll right back over to sleep.
Sleep is what I did for two more hours. This time just stiffness and slowness. Much better. A smile graces my lips and silence is my mood.
I let the drowning of the television corrode the mind until some sort of sanity is reached. Movement from chair to standing and walking. The greatest triumph I am going to achieve at this hour. I aim to get there.
The the findings of looser clothes and warmth. Still smiling because there is air in my lungs and a brightness about the steps I make. So sure I brought you through the turbulence in my thoughts.
Now here I am standing with clothes that semi match but feel so loose that the puffy skin can breathe. I cannot ask for anything better.
Oh save a frou frou coffee. Indeed goodness there. Caramel brulee latte. Yeah I think that will give me the extra push to state any kind of sanity needed to keep going.
Yes I sometimes buy my affections or strive to "charm" the enemy within. Every little bit helps. Plus in doing so I am making myself get out to enjoy sunshine and walking, greeting people with smiles. It helps. It helps.
And today will begin a different tactic to maintain a focus on no pain. Oh the strategies I go through to just manage myself.
And still I look young and fresh. You would never guess the amount I took to appear that way. These steps I go forward in. No make up. Just chapstick and cool brisk wind.
Best day can be possible if I maintain the fresh outlook of goodness. Even though it started out in darkness and sarcasm.
Do you understand why I am silent on so many levels? Why no need to speak when people tell me I have no idea of something? Oh, did you walk in my shoes Today? Did you feel where I came from Today?
No. But it is okay. Assumptions are made because the way I shine and the way I dress. But if you peeled back a few layers would you feel bad for what you saw? Would you recant? Would you coil back and be surprised?
I really can't answer what you would do or say. All I know is what I am experiencing. And since I can stand in this torture of a dying soul with a vibrant positive spirit I can only move as I should.
So all I can say to you is never judge. For you know NOT what people are experiencing just to make the day go by.
Just your glimpse inside my morning. Today a tough one but so very manageable. And the worst of them, I sleep for days. And the best I put forth 200 percent of me. So just heed how you look at me.
See that I too struggle and I choose to see the best of every moment. How else should life go?
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