A bit brighter, wiser
Sudden tones left by the washing of my soul brings me to wonder where was I ever going to fit. Where was I going to be a part of your life? Was it even possible to be seated beside you, breathing with you but not even meaning anything? Can that be real?
Here I thought my life was going down the right track. Just when I thought I was doing you right, I found that I had been so lost. Where was I going to go to find me again? How could I?
I travelled so far to learn of ways to please you, to hold you to me. But somewhere in the mix, the rush of being what you wanted me to be, I lost meaning of who I should have been since day one.
I lost all of me trying to be this special image of a woman, who as I know now, never existed.
I cried a thousand tears as I realized that nothing, NOTHING I do will ever see me as the fit of you, of us. I had to go back with just dust in my hands.
Weighed down by efforts of muck. Only to see that the reality of life was I NEEDED to be me. To find who I was supposed to be, all before I could be someone -- ANYONE to you. And when I was learning just the significance of that, just when I was finding what I needed, I lost it all.
I fell down.
I fell down so hard that the skin of my knees were gravel infused. So stained with earth and blood that I could only curl inside myself. Just cry. Just release what was harming me.
Such darkness I held. Those moments where the blackest of the abyss still had lots of light, I knew, somehow, I could make it. I had this pressing understanding of just how deep I could feel and how trashed I could be. How well I could destroy myself. Just how far I could kill a single dream, a single hope.
I learned so well.
I learned so deep that I turned myself around. Pushing. Daring. Barking out encouragement just so I could hold my head against the storm. So to this moment where I am standing, I place my crusted knees to the ground. My scars dig and remind me how far I have come.
And even..
In my weakest moments I press my mind to the stars and say thank you. Because the blood that boils inside of me presses the oxygen to low maximum. And I gasp for all I can steal. Just one breath that is mine. I asked for it. I made it clear how strong I can be.
And when I am no longer there..
I will be still me.
Me. The one you couldn't love. But many have seen the courage. The one that begged only twice to be in your life. And even when I recall just how happy I was in the turbulence of our entanglement, I will remind myself of the importance of me standing here.
Alone.
Confident of my place in life. Troubled with my life challenges and the roller coaster I have been dealt. I know just my place.
Where I stand is without you. On my own. In my own rooms. With my mind finding creative ways to express every part of my difference.
And that is why we, us never could work passed those walls. I was too far from what you could handle. And so I am grateful for the lessons from a teacher, from a friend and a lover.
For that I thank you for leaving my life. Hard pressed but I am happy. Just now, even though I swim in storms I still find myself above the water. No longer drowning, fighting to see where I belong.
Where do I belong?
Here. Toughened. Free. Wise.
Here I thought my life was going down the right track. Just when I thought I was doing you right, I found that I had been so lost. Where was I going to go to find me again? How could I?
I travelled so far to learn of ways to please you, to hold you to me. But somewhere in the mix, the rush of being what you wanted me to be, I lost meaning of who I should have been since day one.
I lost all of me trying to be this special image of a woman, who as I know now, never existed.
I cried a thousand tears as I realized that nothing, NOTHING I do will ever see me as the fit of you, of us. I had to go back with just dust in my hands.
Weighed down by efforts of muck. Only to see that the reality of life was I NEEDED to be me. To find who I was supposed to be, all before I could be someone -- ANYONE to you. And when I was learning just the significance of that, just when I was finding what I needed, I lost it all.
I fell down.
I fell down so hard that the skin of my knees were gravel infused. So stained with earth and blood that I could only curl inside myself. Just cry. Just release what was harming me.
Such darkness I held. Those moments where the blackest of the abyss still had lots of light, I knew, somehow, I could make it. I had this pressing understanding of just how deep I could feel and how trashed I could be. How well I could destroy myself. Just how far I could kill a single dream, a single hope.
I learned so well.
I learned so deep that I turned myself around. Pushing. Daring. Barking out encouragement just so I could hold my head against the storm. So to this moment where I am standing, I place my crusted knees to the ground. My scars dig and remind me how far I have come.
And even..
In my weakest moments I press my mind to the stars and say thank you. Because the blood that boils inside of me presses the oxygen to low maximum. And I gasp for all I can steal. Just one breath that is mine. I asked for it. I made it clear how strong I can be.
And when I am no longer there..
I will be still me.
Me. The one you couldn't love. But many have seen the courage. The one that begged only twice to be in your life. And even when I recall just how happy I was in the turbulence of our entanglement, I will remind myself of the importance of me standing here.
Alone.
Confident of my place in life. Troubled with my life challenges and the roller coaster I have been dealt. I know just my place.
Where I stand is without you. On my own. In my own rooms. With my mind finding creative ways to express every part of my difference.
And that is why we, us never could work passed those walls. I was too far from what you could handle. And so I am grateful for the lessons from a teacher, from a friend and a lover.
For that I thank you for leaving my life. Hard pressed but I am happy. Just now, even though I swim in storms I still find myself above the water. No longer drowning, fighting to see where I belong.
Where do I belong?
Here. Toughened. Free. Wise.
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