Perseverance

There is just the ravages of sleep and those of running dreams. The calm within the spirit is there but the mind is overthinking. Sleep, I find, is comforting to avoid the hostility within my home.

Prayers are held in silent and whispers. Even in tears as I strive to be courageous in maintaining a peace within the confinement.  And no I do not mean with the staycation of COVID-19. I mean the four walls in which I live in. 

Saving money to get my mother and I out of this situation is proving to be a bit difficult. And yet Jehovah always finds a way to drop encouragement to me. This helps me stay motivated in not letting anyone get in my way of finding more about Jehovah.

Even when I am extremely overwhelmed with the nastiness projected upon me, I still have to say, somewhere in there is loving person.  And though I have not seen it in the two years I have been here, I STILL must see that there is love in her. 

Oh how my mother says this is my test of humility and patience. Indeed, I would say this experience has shown me a great many qualities Jehovah has for us all.  The level of wisdom Jehovah is showing me, amazing. Yet I know I even fail at times. 

Letting her words and actions break me. Allowing my defensive anger protect me. Yet all I end up doing is hurting myself in the process. Breaking my resolve to see the positive in who she is. Truth she is my family. I thought she needed us. 

And still I prevail in the taunting she daily fires, in multiple remarks. This is this how even as an optimist I still see the reality of her hurt. She has no way else to release the evil remarks but upon me. 

Yet every day that I walk away from her negativity and narcissism, her verbal and mental abuse, my mother hears about how I didn't listen or I walked away. Making her more mad that I just didn't allow her words to soak into me. This upsets my mother greatly. 

This makes me cry in such unjust but I have to let Jehovah take care of it. And as I work towards saving, I must keep clear what is real. Jehovah takes care of his children. 

This weekend I went through a whole lot of nastiness. This level of hatred within her, I just could not bear. And as I strove to watch my convention streaming, she removed my ability to do so. 

All I say, Jehovah is please help her. That is my hope that she sees that I am not her enemy. I am her family who loves her no matter what.

Ah today is my first day of escape in a long while. An eight hour day of work for the first time since April.  I am going to enjoy every aspect of it and continue to hope and trust in Jehovah.

Everything is possible with Jehovah. Believe that because it is true.