Exploration of self
I require this tremendous amount of pressure to make parts of me fade away. The days where I thought I was of the greatest help and inspiration only to realize I was just the mess maker. The true one of disaster.
In the times of drowning thoughts I just wave my hands over the softest of materials. Forgoing any notion of reality. Seeing myself in this watery world as the time ticks away.
No I am not down nor am I lonely. So much of me is open yet no one is here to look inside the doorway. I thought that is what I needed, for such a long time. Yet here I just slammed myself against the rocky shores, realizing it was me that needed to knock softly. Asking entrance to view the beauty of who I am.
Seems strange, in a way, as you explore the crevices of your own life, examining the fine dust particles for the deeper lesson within. With these tiny details finding this new aspect of life, you resurface the wounds that were tightly sewn. In doing so the tears and the pain come.
As you press hard, bouncing off these memories you realize just how imperfect you are. Like I do, as I am reflecting all that has come through my pale blue eyes. I don't dwell that I could have changed things. I search for the lightning inside the flashes. Indeed I acknowledge that I have many weaknesses.
In doing so I look over the tedious escalations that have faded to just snowy powder inside behind my flickering pupils. I recall just how passionate I was in those moments. I see the defined woman I had thought I was. And now I understand the defiant, stubborness that swallowed me up.
I just couldn't be defeated even though I was already slain. That is how I kept going. To recognize if I gave up on any part of me, I would die completely. And to do that would be allowing all others to win, to stake claim on the victory of a victim.
So here I am just talking, praying and rekindling the memories of long ago. Even in the last few months I have recognized my standards of life have drastically changed. And with that, when I walk away, I do it for good.
Jehovah understands me and with that knowledge I regain the insight of verses. I thought I was going to be blank for a long time, over the scriptures. Yet here I understand different depth of Ruth, Naomi, Esther and Job. Rereading their story in my mind the few scriptures that screamed before are mellow and the ones I skimmed over are now vibrant and stinging within my spirit.
Perhaps that is how my life must be.
As I sit here contemplating the answers to prayers I have longed for, I am grateful for the silence too. The reminder of being in a world of vibrations, sights and aromas. None of me is withheld. Although there were specks of me undercover. Now discovered I am giving what I can to fuel this new ride.
An adventure I scream to hold onto. Hoping that all stand away while I regroup with the necessary skills to settle all matters before Jehovah. Yet I know obstacles will approach, I have an understanding within myself now. Hard times will be interesting and challenging but also fun.
And now I am just striving to maintain that calm. A hope.
In the times of drowning thoughts I just wave my hands over the softest of materials. Forgoing any notion of reality. Seeing myself in this watery world as the time ticks away.
No I am not down nor am I lonely. So much of me is open yet no one is here to look inside the doorway. I thought that is what I needed, for such a long time. Yet here I just slammed myself against the rocky shores, realizing it was me that needed to knock softly. Asking entrance to view the beauty of who I am.
Seems strange, in a way, as you explore the crevices of your own life, examining the fine dust particles for the deeper lesson within. With these tiny details finding this new aspect of life, you resurface the wounds that were tightly sewn. In doing so the tears and the pain come.
As you press hard, bouncing off these memories you realize just how imperfect you are. Like I do, as I am reflecting all that has come through my pale blue eyes. I don't dwell that I could have changed things. I search for the lightning inside the flashes. Indeed I acknowledge that I have many weaknesses.
In doing so I look over the tedious escalations that have faded to just snowy powder inside behind my flickering pupils. I recall just how passionate I was in those moments. I see the defined woman I had thought I was. And now I understand the defiant, stubborness that swallowed me up.
I just couldn't be defeated even though I was already slain. That is how I kept going. To recognize if I gave up on any part of me, I would die completely. And to do that would be allowing all others to win, to stake claim on the victory of a victim.
So here I am just talking, praying and rekindling the memories of long ago. Even in the last few months I have recognized my standards of life have drastically changed. And with that, when I walk away, I do it for good.
Jehovah understands me and with that knowledge I regain the insight of verses. I thought I was going to be blank for a long time, over the scriptures. Yet here I understand different depth of Ruth, Naomi, Esther and Job. Rereading their story in my mind the few scriptures that screamed before are mellow and the ones I skimmed over are now vibrant and stinging within my spirit.
Perhaps that is how my life must be.
As I sit here contemplating the answers to prayers I have longed for, I am grateful for the silence too. The reminder of being in a world of vibrations, sights and aromas. None of me is withheld. Although there were specks of me undercover. Now discovered I am giving what I can to fuel this new ride.
An adventure I scream to hold onto. Hoping that all stand away while I regroup with the necessary skills to settle all matters before Jehovah. Yet I know obstacles will approach, I have an understanding within myself now. Hard times will be interesting and challenging but also fun.
And now I am just striving to maintain that calm. A hope.
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