A slap
You know I thought faith is not what I needed. I even stepped away. Using sickness as my barrier and my protection. Only to realize going away from my faith is what made me understand just how supportive my faith is to me.
I did not want to admit it. As I am saying many prayers, I am hoping that one day I can come back. But today the courage is just admitting I need Jehovah. I need that guidance and protection.
I thought talking to someone about it was going to carry me along, only I realized all I was doing was upbuilding that other person and sinking myself. Then when I asked to be reinstated I did not get the answer I wanted. What was even more is that I allowed myself to fall into a deep depression.
Wallowing in my self pity and finally allowing myself to just get sick, thoroughly. Mind, spirit and soul. Truth be told I got slapped today. Not physically but I got this rude awakening in the core of me. My inside were churning.
Although they churn, I still am not motivated to read anything. So that is the next step. Attendance too. See I made and allowed so many excuses to run through my mind, so much that I believed them to be true. Then I plummeted.
What is even better is in doing this drowning of myself I lost everything I thought was important up until last month. Yet now I see that I am letting go of baggage. Is that not a wonderful feeling?
So sure I wiped clean some friendships and cleared out the remaining cobwebs of doom. Now the first step has been completed. Many more steps to come. Sure at times they will be baby steps and then a few backward ones, yet all times will be worth finding a place at Jehovah's table again.
So here I go. Tonight there is a meeting. I do not expect much to soak in but my presence will be in Jehovah's house. That is the most important step towards the best life ever.
I will not add anymore steps because I want to make sure not to overwhelm myself. Just simply putting my life BACK into Jehovah's hands.
I admit I did some major wrongs in my life. So much that I don't think I am worthy of any seat at Jehovah's table. I am just hoping somewhere down the road, Jehovah sees something pure in me.
For now it is just finding a seat in the kingdom hall with many prayers. Maybe one day I will be reading regularly again. Oh how I hope.
I did not want to admit it. As I am saying many prayers, I am hoping that one day I can come back. But today the courage is just admitting I need Jehovah. I need that guidance and protection.
I thought talking to someone about it was going to carry me along, only I realized all I was doing was upbuilding that other person and sinking myself. Then when I asked to be reinstated I did not get the answer I wanted. What was even more is that I allowed myself to fall into a deep depression.
Wallowing in my self pity and finally allowing myself to just get sick, thoroughly. Mind, spirit and soul. Truth be told I got slapped today. Not physically but I got this rude awakening in the core of me. My inside were churning.
Although they churn, I still am not motivated to read anything. So that is the next step. Attendance too. See I made and allowed so many excuses to run through my mind, so much that I believed them to be true. Then I plummeted.
What is even better is in doing this drowning of myself I lost everything I thought was important up until last month. Yet now I see that I am letting go of baggage. Is that not a wonderful feeling?
So sure I wiped clean some friendships and cleared out the remaining cobwebs of doom. Now the first step has been completed. Many more steps to come. Sure at times they will be baby steps and then a few backward ones, yet all times will be worth finding a place at Jehovah's table again.
So here I go. Tonight there is a meeting. I do not expect much to soak in but my presence will be in Jehovah's house. That is the most important step towards the best life ever.
I will not add anymore steps because I want to make sure not to overwhelm myself. Just simply putting my life BACK into Jehovah's hands.
I admit I did some major wrongs in my life. So much that I don't think I am worthy of any seat at Jehovah's table. I am just hoping somewhere down the road, Jehovah sees something pure in me.
For now it is just finding a seat in the kingdom hall with many prayers. Maybe one day I will be reading regularly again. Oh how I hope.
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