Truth of a child
Always this child in me that runs a bit scared of all that was my past. Yet today I don't let her hide. I don't allow the fear of my past to grasp hold hard. I allow the reality of it all to settle before me. Not being afraid of what humans can do to me, harm nor scar me.
That is the beauty of trusting, of having faith. As simple as that may be for some others it may be the biggest triumph in their lives, the biggest obstacle they have to overcome. For me it was trusting and forgiving.
If only some had truly understood the real depth, I am sure they would have torn me to pieces. Yet even as now, I am not sore from their exposure. I am actually grateful. What a grand lesson and discipline I learned from the waves of the storm.
As I learn from the past and learn from the pain, as I learn from the scars and wounds that have healed I am capable of saying that I love every part of me. I wouldn't have traded the paths I have gone on because they have taught me greatness about Jehovah. And as I am finding out who I am, then and now, I am grateful to say that I sing in joy.
Yes I am happy because I recognize all the imperfections in myself, even see the weaknesses I hold and cannot scratch away. I also understand the ways to change what I can, and when I cannot I must ask for help. I am happy for I know I need my spiritual food.
And even in those times when I feel scared or insecure about a piece of my pathway I know who to turn too. Jehovah. The past is who I am. Yet only a sliver. I am not the same as I was just a week ago. Sure the outside looks the same but a few added gray hairs. Though the spirit and mind are different and by far the heart is being silenced in the aspects necessary to continue moving forward.
Sure I do have moments of trickery of the heart, emotions that pull me or even try to sway me. Yet I recognize I am weak here. This is something I am working on. Hoping that I can build strength so when that emotion hits again I will know how to overcome it. Certainly a cheer when I do but also a warm, sincere thank you.
A tiny whisper.
I used to be frightened of what may be lurking in the darkness I held within myself. I used to be unaware of the depth of fear that struck me, a child's view of monsters. Yet all that was there was me. To think that all this was holding me back from what was real.
To explore the distance of hollow thoughts and racing heartbeats, I had to walk away. Separate me from what was the glass case of protection. I had to search for all that terror inside of me. I had to seek all that was hindering my movements. When I did that the can of worms I opened just overflowed with maggots and gangrene. Truly in the end of exploiting myself to the wrong people I just found what I was missing.
The blocked pieces of my life. Today, well, much is gone from the can. The limbs or memories of the dissected and diseased parts are cut off. So much of me is grateful for the rude awakening I have experienced. Yet in the stare down with the sun, I have found that much of my life I had been blind and erased.
Yet today, I can honestly say that those times are washed and released. Unveiled, if you will. Interesting how all that can be undone to be made clean again. Truly.
Today I find myself hugging my waist only for a brief moment. Just to wonder how much light really can be given. Truly a good prayer to lean into. Wouldn't you agree?
Truth really can set you free. If you are willing.
That is the beauty of trusting, of having faith. As simple as that may be for some others it may be the biggest triumph in their lives, the biggest obstacle they have to overcome. For me it was trusting and forgiving.
If only some had truly understood the real depth, I am sure they would have torn me to pieces. Yet even as now, I am not sore from their exposure. I am actually grateful. What a grand lesson and discipline I learned from the waves of the storm.
As I learn from the past and learn from the pain, as I learn from the scars and wounds that have healed I am capable of saying that I love every part of me. I wouldn't have traded the paths I have gone on because they have taught me greatness about Jehovah. And as I am finding out who I am, then and now, I am grateful to say that I sing in joy.
Yes I am happy because I recognize all the imperfections in myself, even see the weaknesses I hold and cannot scratch away. I also understand the ways to change what I can, and when I cannot I must ask for help. I am happy for I know I need my spiritual food.
And even in those times when I feel scared or insecure about a piece of my pathway I know who to turn too. Jehovah. The past is who I am. Yet only a sliver. I am not the same as I was just a week ago. Sure the outside looks the same but a few added gray hairs. Though the spirit and mind are different and by far the heart is being silenced in the aspects necessary to continue moving forward.
Sure I do have moments of trickery of the heart, emotions that pull me or even try to sway me. Yet I recognize I am weak here. This is something I am working on. Hoping that I can build strength so when that emotion hits again I will know how to overcome it. Certainly a cheer when I do but also a warm, sincere thank you.
A tiny whisper.
I used to be frightened of what may be lurking in the darkness I held within myself. I used to be unaware of the depth of fear that struck me, a child's view of monsters. Yet all that was there was me. To think that all this was holding me back from what was real.
To explore the distance of hollow thoughts and racing heartbeats, I had to walk away. Separate me from what was the glass case of protection. I had to search for all that terror inside of me. I had to seek all that was hindering my movements. When I did that the can of worms I opened just overflowed with maggots and gangrene. Truly in the end of exploiting myself to the wrong people I just found what I was missing.
The blocked pieces of my life. Today, well, much is gone from the can. The limbs or memories of the dissected and diseased parts are cut off. So much of me is grateful for the rude awakening I have experienced. Yet in the stare down with the sun, I have found that much of my life I had been blind and erased.
Yet today, I can honestly say that those times are washed and released. Unveiled, if you will. Interesting how all that can be undone to be made clean again. Truly.
Today I find myself hugging my waist only for a brief moment. Just to wonder how much light really can be given. Truly a good prayer to lean into. Wouldn't you agree?
Truth really can set you free. If you are willing.
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