Regrouping thoughts
I sat here rereading all the pieces of the past, glancing only back long enough to take that deep sigh. Its as though the mind inside of me felt this suppressed release. The welcoming exhale that finds no bars to hold back in. No tiny cage is the emotions.
All parts of me just escaped in the nicesest of ways. And as I sit here just thinking over the bits that left me I am well aware it is the kindest gift from Jehovah. That just warms me thoroughly. As the night follows the daylight hours I find myself becoming more and more quieted.
Just this complete sense of calm. Have you ever experienced that before? Even the thought of the eye of a storm. People say it is a cool stillness that makes security real. Yet instead of the roaring storm to follow I am experiencing the sublime effect from the love that Jehovah gives his children.
Even as I say this I still feel this slight hypocritical expression inside of me because I am still a disfellowshipped person. Although ever second of my life has been brought back to Jehovah's sights by Jehovah. How can I not feel anything but that?
And even though I am thinking that hypocritical moments arise I still do the research Jehovah gives me to understand. See that is the beauty of making a new bond with an old friend.
I walked away from Jehovah while I was learning about the damage inside of me. I had to because I was so unknown. I didn't even like to look in the mirror. And to see myself now, well, I am definitely not an open book. Yet I do not have any dark corners. I have plenty of eraser marks on pages and still some words or memories remain. Yet I must say that I am not scared or frozen by them.
They are stains that don't wash away but I don't try to. They make up pieces of me that help me learn. Always a positive light where darkness coveted for decades. See that is how I have to see a day, a moment or even seconds on shadows.
I lived many decades in darkness. So many lighted fakeness smiles I held for thousands. I must say walking away from Jehovah and find the hatred I had inside and destroying it, well so much rewarding. Though I did not rely on myself. I always understood that my prayers were out there. Not sure if Jehovah heard them. Although when the crease of white light start to seep in, I understood ONLY Jehovah could be doing that.
It is those moments that make peace, calm and contentment so real. Those times even make my faith stronger and I lean deeper into Jehovah. I don't know who will have the deep insight of these experiences but I only know the travels I have made to place myself with Jehovah again. My effort to have Jehovah look at me and I have hope of strengthening my faith further.
And as I sat here just rambling and placing my words, thoughts out for others to read, I am grateful that I am moldable. Grateful that I am flexible enough for Jehovah to still be capable of working with me. A sliver of grain means so much to him. So much that he does not forget.
See I relate to so much but then can others relate to me? I do not know. I only know me and what Jehovah and I work on.
See that is how my past words can impact me. How about you?
All parts of me just escaped in the nicesest of ways. And as I sit here just thinking over the bits that left me I am well aware it is the kindest gift from Jehovah. That just warms me thoroughly. As the night follows the daylight hours I find myself becoming more and more quieted.
Just this complete sense of calm. Have you ever experienced that before? Even the thought of the eye of a storm. People say it is a cool stillness that makes security real. Yet instead of the roaring storm to follow I am experiencing the sublime effect from the love that Jehovah gives his children.
Even as I say this I still feel this slight hypocritical expression inside of me because I am still a disfellowshipped person. Although ever second of my life has been brought back to Jehovah's sights by Jehovah. How can I not feel anything but that?
And even though I am thinking that hypocritical moments arise I still do the research Jehovah gives me to understand. See that is the beauty of making a new bond with an old friend.
I walked away from Jehovah while I was learning about the damage inside of me. I had to because I was so unknown. I didn't even like to look in the mirror. And to see myself now, well, I am definitely not an open book. Yet I do not have any dark corners. I have plenty of eraser marks on pages and still some words or memories remain. Yet I must say that I am not scared or frozen by them.
They are stains that don't wash away but I don't try to. They make up pieces of me that help me learn. Always a positive light where darkness coveted for decades. See that is how I have to see a day, a moment or even seconds on shadows.
I lived many decades in darkness. So many lighted fakeness smiles I held for thousands. I must say walking away from Jehovah and find the hatred I had inside and destroying it, well so much rewarding. Though I did not rely on myself. I always understood that my prayers were out there. Not sure if Jehovah heard them. Although when the crease of white light start to seep in, I understood ONLY Jehovah could be doing that.
It is those moments that make peace, calm and contentment so real. Those times even make my faith stronger and I lean deeper into Jehovah. I don't know who will have the deep insight of these experiences but I only know the travels I have made to place myself with Jehovah again. My effort to have Jehovah look at me and I have hope of strengthening my faith further.
And as I sat here just rambling and placing my words, thoughts out for others to read, I am grateful that I am moldable. Grateful that I am flexible enough for Jehovah to still be capable of working with me. A sliver of grain means so much to him. So much that he does not forget.
See I relate to so much but then can others relate to me? I do not know. I only know me and what Jehovah and I work on.
See that is how my past words can impact me. How about you?
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