Loaded eyes

The day is loaded. One more day I opened my eyes. Several times in fact. Too many thoughts. Nightmares found roaming in my mind.

One by one I gave time to ease back into sleep. Finding today will be that day of rest.

My mind finds the thoughts and feelings overwhelming.  Enhancing a pain to tingle in temples and ears.

I must make sure not to dwell on things I cannot change. Looking for new ways to go forward.

Not seeking out venues that the doors are shut. It saddens me but I cannot remain there at the welcome mat when I am not welcome.

So onward I go. Leaving the dust on the ground. Realizing the hardest part is moving. Yet I do. Some days fast and other days molasses slow.

Still to breathe without a tear. That is another task at hand but it's fading faster these days.

Repeatedly finding joy and losing it again is becoming annoying. Soon the cycle will be done and I will leap to the next bit of happiness Jehovah helps me experience.

Only true, deep sadness is not being able to make myself talk. Not diving into a dark corner just not opening like I used to. Finding out that one or two that were thought to want learn of you really weren't even listening.

It hurts. But I am not a victim. I do not dwell. It will take time to heal but I know I will because Jehovah is caring for me.

All I ask for now is calm. Wisdom to remain calm. And Jehovah gives me it.

Walking in my haven is even not so safe. Alas, though I realize that the place I thought was comforting can be broken. I should have realized that sooner. Built a better wall.

Now the stones cast I am building my wall. Finding the firm ground Jehovah built me on and growing my own little garden inside the harsh walls.

Is that what I wanted,no. Yet it is what I am taught. Some people just aren't meant to know about me, the depth of me. Only Jehovah.

I have learned. As always I will be growing more  into me. Sure I struggle but I am imperfect me. Only way I ask for acceptance is through Jehovah.  I have gained that. That is all I can ever hope for.

So my schedule for the day isn't planned. The service to Jehovah is through my witness, my studies and my words.

Depth of wisdom is there and I am gaining patience, strength and calm. All I will be looking forward to. Nothing and no one else.