I am empty but not blackened

I once was concerned about the deep weights of love hanging over my head and raging within my spirit. Was it even possible for me to forgive all those who battle against me? Would I even let them remind me of how imperfect we all are? Would I be light on the heart and yeilding in the mind over our differences?

Those are questions I roll daily over my mind. The allowances of pettiness to cease inside my heart. As truth rings I see that I have much to work on, over before the shrinking becomes nonessential. That takes a bit of time, and knowing time is short, the race is on.

There will always be times when I feel a bit lost, but it is because I haven't related my situation to God. And as those days find me weakened to the core, I have to search for the right pieces of light. Those slivers of time that help me go forward again. 

And as I step away again to learn about who I am, putting a perspective of me, back into sight I will stumble and grumble but persevere. I know in my darkest times I must search for God. Find my place with him again. 

Yet today, I am empty. Not lost. Not wandering. Not heavy. Just empty. 

I hold deep inside of me a hope. That is how I am starting. Learning. Leaning. I only believe God is the answer. And as I trek down my path I recognize my flaws but also the strengths. 

Thankful that I did step away to gain perspective. Grateful to recognize I am nothing without the truth of God within me. Yet I need to find my connection again. 

That is what I mean when I say I am empty. I am not emotionless nor bleak. More likened to a clearing. Yet blocked to the defined techniques used to make my life blackened, dark and desperate. 

In those moments I see the hope in the truth. With that I look forward to the pressures and the torments that I may face, because of them I am made stronger in faith. 

So sure the weights of forgiveness, repentance, sorrow and love bury me. I still know they help me grow too. The lessons are there, I just have to reach out and search within the light of the truth. Finding my place at the grand table. 

Time is the essence. Yet what is my day to God's? Who is to know what comes in the next second but God. So I must be always seeking. Returning when the space is right. Not determined by me, but I must make effort. 

Soon. Not so lost. Not so wayward. Not heavy. Not dying. Just searching. Living. Breathing thanksgiving. Hoping in the details and watching the overall picture explode. Indeed in time. 

The peace can be found. Just reach. Hope.