Tomorrow, maybe, accepting

I find myself list in so many cases. I have tried to fit in but none of me conforms to people's views. Sometimes it is so hard to keep going, yet I do. So many times I am just ready to say my goodbyes and wonder into the darkness, never looking back.

Yes I do feel those days a lot. Most chalk it up as hormones and say it will end soon. Still why does the need to fit in really unsettle me? Why, how does that really matter? Still, at this moment, I still don't ever really know what it is liked to be really accepted as me.

Still I realize settling into the world, I will never be accepted. My entire growing up proved that to me. I pray that I continue to keep moving forward. I so dearly need that motivation. To just consider the somewhere, I am loved by a few. Granted more would be nice but not pressing on there.

Here I sat intertwined with the day to day grind of a secular endless rambling job hoping just once a surprise would hit me. Just something new. Grand possibilities that left me feeling like the extra grasp on the table of Jehovah. Still I fall short of so many things.

The joy is there. Life is just pulling me away. Somehow the days went from being completely filled with utter joy to dark, dreary. How? Why? Oh to dwell on that shouldn't be possible. Yet here I am doing just that.

Ah. Perhaps the standing of other types of work. I must find other things to help me build up. One by one the days have to split and the worries will find new homes.

I take my breath. A slow, deep inhale hoping the reduction of a sighing yawn will find me more calm. Indeed a skipping dream. Something to draw the positive out. Seeking the lessons where I can and nipping all else to a cold silence. Indeed the unsettling vibe of being an outsider has to sit on my shoulders. The weight may be heavy but I must persevere.

Indeed I am. Long week about to come to a close. The day finally folding and the drowning soon to cease.

                          A breath indeed.

Still standing tall. I bend but I straighten out again. Something I must continue to do. Sadness I need to hold at bay for a while longer.

Tomorrow another breath. Inhaling the positive.